In my last years of high school, my family bought a big house. It had a formal front room with plate mirrors on the far wall, a fancy dining table, a white baby grand piano, and a couple of nice couches. That’s the first thing we wanted visitors to see, and how we wanted them to think of us.
But if you walked through the center of the house and down the stairs, you would find our den. That’s where the real Myer experience was—comfy sofas, television, video movies, bookshelves, and a fireplace. There was also a coin-operated gumball machine that we kids managed to rob of its gumballs, without paying.
The Potential Crisis in Your Den
Every Christian has a front room and a den. The front room is the “you” that you want everybody to see. But the den is the “true you.” Hopefully, these two aren’t too different from each other. Unfortunately, though, only the most serious believers place an emphasis on their interior life. The rest tend to focus on maintaining a behavioral status quo—mostly things other people can see.
A lot of what goes on in the den, however, needs attention, especially when it comes to emotions.
Emotions are a legitimate part of our God-created makeup, but when they’re not under the lordship of Christ, they can become like a loaded pistol in the hands of a child. For instance, fear is healthy until it paralyzes. A little anxiety—concern—is normal until it becomes a disorder. Happiness is great until it turns irresponsible and narcissistic. Sadness is appropriate until it becomes a trap of hopeless depression.
The Most Dangerous Item in Your Emotional Inventory
For now, we’ll concentrate on anger, since it is potentially the most hazardous emotion human beings have. Our world is full of road rage incidents, ruined relationships, estranged families, marital troubles, church splits, and homicide. Those are only some of the places anger can go when it’s turned loose. When the Apostles speak of anger, they don’t simply offer tips on how to manage it, they call us to submit it under the lordship of Christ.
Before he became a Christian, the Apostle Paul had a bit of an anger problem himself. Recall how the book of Acts describes him—“breathing threats and murder against the disciples” (9:1). Once he was on the other side of salvation though, he wrote this:
Eph. 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.
Anger is often defined as “temporary displeasure.” We can see Jesus “temporarily displeased,” and severely so, in several places in the gospels. It’s a legitimate emotion, and normal. When I hear about a particular person never getting angry, I wonder if that’s healthy. At times, indignation is called for.
Paul says to be angry and not to sin. That’s because the two are separate items. Here’s the rub: our anger is supposed to have an expiration date. The sun isn’t supposed to go down on it. Strictly speaking, that means anger needs to be resolved, diffused, not fed.
In fact, Paul warns in 4:27, that if you hold onto your anger, at some point the devil will have opportunities in your life he never had before.
For one thing, unresolved anger and unforgiveness always turn into something else. Anger becomes bitterness (smoldering resentment), then judgment (a permanent displeasure upon someone), and then hate. When hate is present, it usually expresses itself in either slander or physical violence. These are exactly the opportunities the devil hopes for in a person’s life.
Back in the days when I didn’t know anything about cooking, I put a potato in a microwave oven for 25 minutes and then went outside to do some chores. When I came back, the house was full of smoke. I found that the potato, due to overcooking, had basically become a coconut. Anytime anger appears, a clock starts ticking. Beware that you don’t let it burn until it turns your heart into a lump of charcoal.
What’s an Angry Person to Do?
In Ephesians 4:31, Paul sounds like he’s giving orders to take out the trash:
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”
We’re told to let it be put away, implying we often want to keep it. We feel entitled to our anger. Someone else is wrong and you don’t want to let them off the hook. You want to punish them for a while. Although it seems like this is an effective way to inflict pain on the offending party, doing it can be costly for us. Human beings are simply not built to exact such revenge.
Matt Woodley recounts a conversation between himself and a man named Steve.
Steve told him, “Nineteen years ago this guy stole my wife away from me. They got married and moved to Florida while my life unraveled. After I was arrested for assaulting a police officer, this guy smirked through the entire court hearing. When I was convicted, he flipped me the finger. I’ve hated him for nineteen years. He’s coming up here next week. I have a 32-caliber pistol strapped around my ankle, and when I see him I will kill him.”
Then he chillingly concluded, “I’ve thought all about it. I’m 63-years-old. I will get a life sentence, but I’ll also get free medical and dental, a warm bed, and three meals a day. All of this bitterness and resentment feels so right; forgiveness seems weird.”
Woodly then recounted, “After Steve told me this story, I paused for a long time before I finally stammered, ‘Well, I guess it doesn’t matter if you go to jail, because you’re already in jail. The guy who stole your wife and smirked at your hearing isn’t in jail. You are. That guy is free, but you’re a prisoner of your own hate, and you’re slowly killing yourself. Unless you forgive, you’ll remain trapped for the rest of your life.’”
A week later, Steve called Woodly back, and said, “You know, I get your point. I put the gun away. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail or enslaved to my own hate. Will you pray for me that Jesus will release me?”
Some folks, like Steve, gain a weird sort of strength, focus, passion, and articulation when they’re angry. Others swear they’ve never seen things more clearly than when they’re burning with rage. I’ve witnessed it in church members who were barely involved in the Christian life but became “missionaries” when they were angered by something in the church. Suddenly they were visiting the homes of other members several nights a week, sowing discord under the guise of “being concerned.”
But along with this energy comes a burden of darkness. This is why we so often feel a sense of relief, a load coming off our shoulders when we forgive someone else. According to Jesus in Matthew 18, a person who refuses forgiveness ends up in a personal jail, paying huge spiritual and emotional costs.
Keep Grace in Your Face
Naturally, forgiveness is easier said than done, and all but impossible when we’re in the heat of anger. From where does the strength come in order to do it? The apostle further writes,
32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
This verse not only tells us how we should forgive—”As God in Christ forgave you”—but calls us to the remembrance of our own forgiveness. Therein lies the secret to forgiveness power. Thankfully, we’re not told to make excuses for the offending person or to lecture ourselves on being the bigger person. Instead, we’re reminded to hold onto the vivid knowledge that God forgave us.
You’re called to remember afresh that bloody, horrible death on the cross for things you did, and how that death extends to your dirty thoughts and motives and wrong deeds every day, allowing God to cheerfully accept you in His Son.
We’re supposed to look at the offending party through the scene of our own redemption. Never let the person who sinned against you block your view of the cross. Otherwise, they and their offense will swell to gigantic proportions, will define you, even own you. Make sure the payment for your sins stays in your face. That’s where the grace for forgiveness emanates.
“God. In Christ. Forgave. Me.”
Dwell on this theme in prayer until it leads to a devotional experience. Meditate upon the work of Christ on the cross, until the Holy Spirit gets involved and freshly applies that truth to your heart.
My story is, that I often become upset and disappointed with people to the extent I despair of ever getting over it. And you know what? I’m right. They’re wrong. If you listen to my case, you’d agree with me. But the more “righteous” indignation I indulge in, the more exhausted I become. I have never felt joyful after recounting the sins of others. Just more forlorn.
Literally, the only thing I’ve been able to do has been to drink repeatedly from the deep, sweet well of the gospel.
I’ve tried arranging the front room of my life to look appropriately religious, upbeat, and happy. Appearances don’t work for very long. None of us can afford to settle for a tidy front room. Not when there’s a fire in the den.
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This is an updated edition of a post originally published on John Myer
Featured Image by Beazy on Unsplash
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