We tell our husbands what we want or remind them of something we’ve asked about before, and they perceive our comments as nagging. They interpret our repeated comments as an attempt to control them.

If you’re anything like me, you had no idea that your husband would take you telling them how you thought a task ought to be done as an attempt to control him. You only knew he didn’t listen.

Even if they do what we tell them to do, they often respond with comments like, “You’re the boss,” “Yes, ma’am, whatever you want,” or they tell their friends, “Whatever she wants, that’s what I do.”

In your relationship with your husband, does he sound ticked, make sarcastic comments about you, or not respond well to you in a loving fashion anymore? It may be because he feels you want to change him.

So, how do we convey our ideas without sounding disrespectful, sounding like a nag, or having our husbands tune us out? The Bible tells us in Ephesians 5:33 to respect our husbands.

So again, I say that each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. ~ Ephesians 5:33

We fell in love and married strong, intelligent men. They might have blonde hair and blue eyes or blue hair and black eyes. Perhaps he has a fun and outgoing personality, or responds to life in a more introverted, studious, and quiet manner. 

Maybe the man you met is passionate about sports, music, or gaming. I don’t know what you loved about this guy, but you married him because you liked him and wanted to spend time with him. You loved the qualities he possessed and admired the attributes that made you feel special.

Thought You Could Change Him

Many of us believe or hope we can change a few of our husbands’ habits once we get married. You might think to yourself, “I don’t like his language, his sloppiness, his fixation on cars, or how long he works.” You name it, you still don’t like it, and you may feel frustrated that you haven’t gotten him to stop.

However, pestering them or striving to change our husbands doesn’t make for a happy marriage. Instead, it does a great deal to break marriages apart. As a result, our men become quiet and retreat to their favorite escape, whether that is playing games, watching TV, tinkering in the garage, or going fishing.

One of the lessons I learned in my more than four decades of marriage is that I can’t fix my husband without causing resentment. He might swap one behavior for another because he wants to change, feels convicted by God, or in response to my adjustments.

Is Nagging in the Bible?

Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse. ~ Proverbs 21:9 MSG

You might say that’s not my favorite version. Then how about this one? 

Better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman. ~ Proverbs 21:19 NKJV 

Or how about this?

A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious or quarrelsome woman are alike. Whoever attempts to restrain her criticism might as well try to stop the wind.  ~ Proverbs 27:15 16 AMP 

He Won’t (Fill in the Blank)

I’m excited to share practical, everyday experiences that demonstrate how we can respect our husbands while cultivating more love and affection in our relationships. Transformation occurs when we stop nagging or dictating what our husbands should do. When we attempt to control them, many of us feel frustrated. This often leads to exhaustion, weariness, and anger when they don’t meet our expectations.

With over thirty years of experience serving in women’s ministry, I’ve gathered many examples from my life that illustrate the results of our attempts to control someone else. During a marriage Bible study I taught, I wrote on a whiteboard, “He won’t _______,” and invited the participants to fill in the blank. I then asked what they wished their husbands would do or not do, without mentioning names or providing further details.

What would you put in the blank if I asked you the same question? Let me share some examples from my life and from women who have shared their stories with me. Hopefully, some of these will resonate with your situation, and together we can learn how to communicate our needs without coming across as a nag.

Problem: Kids Ate Too Many Donuts

One mom repeatedly emailed her husband about the hazards of junk food for kids. She asked him not to feed their kids junk food because the sugar was too high. Despite sending multiple emails outlining the adverse effects of excessive sugar on children, she didn’t convince him to stop giving them junk food.

She felt frustrated. When I asked about her relationship with her husband, she thought for a moment and described it as feeling strange. She was angry with him, and he seemed reluctant to spend much time with her, just as she felt hesitant to be with him.

The relationship suffered due to a disagreement over donuts. When I framed it that way, it sounded silly, but are donuts or the slight differences we disagree on worth the strain they cause in our interaction with our husbands?

I suggested she refrain from sending him any emails about donuts or junk food for the next three weeks. I encouraged her to focus on preparing healthy meals at home. If her husband wanted to give the kids donuts or cookies when he spent time with the kids, I advised her to let him do it without saying a word.

She returned to class three weeks later and shared how her husband stopped giving the kids junk food because he realized it wasn’t healthy for them. Remember, she hadn’t mentioned the excessive sweets for three weeks—he decided on his own. Even better, their relationship improved as a result.