The Abused Become The Abusers
The Beginning of the End
The phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hey Barbara, this is Richard. I have a quick question for you. I was wondering why you guys didn’t call Elizabeth and I earlier today when everything started going down.”
“Oh, well, you’re going to have to call Debra about that.”
“OK. I’ll give her a call right now. Thanks, bye.”
The phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Hey Debra, it’s me, Richard. Hey, I heard that you and the other leaders got together earlier today after you found out what was going on with Paul. I was wondering why you guys didn’t call Elizabeth and I to be a part of that meeting.”
“Oh, hi Richard. Well, I mean, we didn’t do it on purpose. I think with the news that we got, things were just so crazy that we forgot to call you guys.”
“Really? I mean somebody had the time and forethought to call the others but no one thought to call us? I have to let you know, it really hurts that you guys didn’t call us. This isn’t some little thing. This is huge. This is the kind of thing that can ruin a church. I really wish you guys would’ve called us. Nevertheless, we all need to get together. If there’s gonna be any chance for us to make it through this we as leaders need to get together and pray and come together in this time and not get more divided. Can you talk to Nancy and see if her and Bob can come to the church tonight to pray? I’ll call Steve and Barbara and ask them to join us as well.”
Those were the conversations I had the night we found out the founding pastor of our church was leaving and he was leaving with his personal assistant/the church secretary. Do you know what the terrible thing is? Him leaving with her was really one of the least painful things he had done, to the congregation, throughout the years.
Dear friends, I had been eagerly planning to write to you about the salvation we all share. But now I find that I must write about something else, urging you to defend the faith that God has entrusted once for all time to his holy people. – Jude 1:3
In this instance, the four leaders I’m referring to all got together to talk about what they thought should be done immediately as a result of this leader leaving. There was some justifiable fear and great concern along with some deep mental programming that he had put in place.
You see, those four leaders got together and in the midst of a very traumatic situation, they didn’t forget to call my wife and I. They purposed not to call us because, for years, the leader, the one they had all gotten together to talk about as a result of him leaving, had planted the thought in their minds that I was completely untrustworthy and in fact would one day try to take over the church. They simply responded to the programming that they willingly received because they trusted an untrustworthy person.
20 years in a toxic church hurt everyone. None of us really knew each other because we always had masks on in order to protect ourselves. Deep down, no one really trusted anyone because, after all, how could we trust people that let this abuse go on. In a toxic environment, everyone protects themselves even when putting on the facade of love. It is a terrible situation.
We were all guilty.
We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. – Romans 6:6
Welcome to Crazy Town
My family and I were part of a cult. We were part of a church that didn’t just have some bad leadership. We were involved in a group that was controlled by a narcissist who wanted to one day go down in a flame of glory much like the Branch Davidian cult in Waco, Texas. He said as much in a handful of meetings over the years.
He talked about buying up all the property in the surrounding area in order to create a town. We would have houses, apartments, a market, and even a small airstrip for all the trips we would be taking. He had a million and one ideas and almost none of them came to pass.
That’s the power of a narcissist.
They cast tons of vision but are like clouds without water.
When these people eat with you in your fellowship meals commemorating the Lord’s love, they are like dangerous reefs that can shipwreck you. They are like shameless shepherds who care only for themselves. They are like clouds blowing over the land without giving any rain. They are like trees in autumn that are doubly dead, for they bear no fruit and have been pulled up by the roots. –Jude 1:12
The problem with this particular cult leader is that he had such a poverty mindset, there was no way we would ever accomplish anything amazing. Sure, he was charismatic but he was also lazy and had no follow-through. He changed his mind so often that projects would just sit around, unfinished, while he pressed into the “new thing” that the Lord was doing.
Paul (not his actual name) thought he was a prophet that didn’t need any accountability. He would often say things like, “There’s no one I can go to for counsel because they don’t have the revelation that I have.” He really tried to make everybody believe that his connection with God was something special that none of us could ever achieve. Some of us believed him and some didn’t.
The believers became his inner circle. Everybody else may have had access but they didn’t have the same access as the inner circle. It’s normal cult 101. Find the ones that really buy-in and give them a sense of power so that they will help you control the rest of the crowd. It’s hard to imagine that “normal” folks could fall for this but it happens to “normal” folks all the time. Businessmen, highly intelligent moms, and gifted artists are all susceptible to the charms of the charismatic cult leader.
When The Abused Become the Abusers
After 20 years of being under this authoritarian dictator, you would think the oppressed would run to freedom once they heard he was gone. But that’s not what happened. Unfortunately, the inner circle, those that were among the most hurt and deceived, didn’t get healed. That simply responded to the programming that Paul had instilled in them over the years.
The day we found out Paul was leaving, the four inner circle leaders got together and began talking about what needed to get done in order to secure the peace and safety of the congregation. However, when you are the one that has been the protector of the king, it’s hard to see clearly and make the best decisions for the rest of the abused flock.
Paul used to always talk about a fog that was coming. It’s interesting that he was the one bringing the fog, i.e., confusion.
When you take the lack of clarity and add confusion to the mix along with very real hurt, you have the perfect recipe for disaster. Not only was the inner circle not equipped to handle this circumstance, but they also needed to take some time to just experience the love of Jesus.
These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren. – Proverbs 6: 16-19
Paul spent a lot of time teaching that God’s love was not unconditional. The entire congregation needed to relearn that not only is his love unconditional but that regardless of what we do, we can’t make him love us more or less.
Unfortunately, we weren’t able to make it to that place of unconditional love. Instead, more fear and distrust crept in. Like I said earlier, Paul programmed the inner circle to believe that I was completely untrustworthy and would try to take over the church one day. That’s why on the day he left, they didn’t even have to think about what to do. They immediately knew that I could not be involved in whatever came next.
If they would have just told me, “Richard, we don’t know that we can trust you. Paul spent so much time telling us you were going to try to take over this church that we just don’t know how to think,” I would have understood. I would have been sad but at least the truth would have been out.
That is not what happened.
When I called people from that inner circle, they lied to me. They told me they didn’t think about it and that with all that was going on, it slipped their mind. Elizabeth and I could have even let that one go but things didn’t stop there.
That evening, when we got together as a group to pray, several of the ladies from the inner circle told us that we were petty and selfish for even asking why we hadn’t been included in their meeting. I guess I could see their perspective if they had actually just been so overwhelmed by grief that they forgot.
But that’s not what happened.
Later, one of the inner circle members told me, in tears, that the inner circle had purposed to not include Elizabeth and I in that meeting and that they said we should probably be excluded from other meetings as well. The person telling me this also said that when they saw the other inner circle folks accusing us of being petty and selfish, they knew something was wrong and felt convicted about the choice they had made so many months ago.
Here was an opportunity for a new beginning but instead of taking it, the abused became the abusers. The inner-circle could have seen this as a fresh start but they chose the most hurt, the most abused person to become the leader of the church; the inner circle made the pastor’s wife the leader of the church. Now instead of having a charismatic narcissist, we had a scorned, hurting, angry person that saw me as the enemy just as much as her husband.
Lessons Learned
If you are part of a church that is controlled by a narcissist, it’s important to understand that he or she has not been placed in your life by God to control your life. They work so hard to get you to think that you are always the problem and that they are so gracious for putting up with you that, eventually, you become willing to do whatever they say. In fact, you go to them to get input for every aspect of your life.
Only God should have that much control of your life. No church leader should ever have control over any part of your life. We are not the Holy Spirit. We can give input but, ultimately, you have to decide what God is telling you to do.
You might not even know if you are in a toxic church run by a narcissistic leader. If you are wondering, you can take this little quiz to determine if you are in a toxic church environment.
If you have encountered a toxic church environment, have been made to feel like you are the problem at your church, or just aren’t sure about some other kind of hurt you have experienced, Elizabeth and I would love to chat. Feel free to email [email protected] and we will get back to you pretty quick.
Featured Image by Sammy-Sander from Pixabay
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