A page from my journal
Sharing entries straight from my journal is the best way I know how to be authentic. What you are about to read is a snapshot. Some of these snapshots represent the way I was feeling on a single day. Others bring together my meditations over the course of days, weeks, or months. Whatever you are about to read, I hope you can find something relatable.
It feels like I’ve been alone for years now. I don’t know what to do. I try talking to Jesus, but he doesn’t seem to answer. I listen and don’t hear anything. I can hear for others, at least I think I can, but nothing seems to come through for me.
I’m not sure what to do.
I can talk about feeling empty, or alone, or wishing I’d never been born but all of that is pointless. God can show up anytime and say to me, “Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself like a man because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.” I know God can do anything he wants. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it easy for a hurting person looking for a loving father.
God’s nature is hard enough to comprehend when things are going well. But when everything hits the fan, it’s even harder to see a good God in the middle of all the crap.
I guess it comes down to perspective and how I perceive expectations.
A toddler encounters their parents in a very one-sided transactional manner. The child doesn’t think about what makes mom or dad happy or fulfilled, or content. They only think about their wants, needs, and desires.
A toddler can’t imagine a world that exists beyond their immediate needs. Every created thing must BE in order to meet their expectations. The sun rises and sets with only that goal in mind.
So what happens when the child’s expectations aren’t met or are met in a way that falls short of their perceived end? Usually, the child will then fall into some kind of tantrum. It can actually be quite entertaining to watch a child fling themselves to the floor when things don’t go their way. But it’s an entirely different thing when an adult responds like a child. I know, Lord. I’ve done this too many times.
Job 38:19-21
“Where does light come from, and where does darkness go? Can you take each to its home? Do you know how to get there? But of course, you know all this! For you were born before it was all created, and you are so very experienced!
God showed up to speak to Job in the middle of a whirlwind. A raw display of his power. How can I argue with a spinning funnel of death. And yet I do. But not for long. The fear of the Lord comes even when he is silent because his silence amplifies my selfishness.
I’m sorry I let myself lose sight of you, Lord. I’m sorry I allow myself to fall back into my flesh nature and act the fool. Please forgive me. Please do not take your Holy Spirit from me. Give me a soft heart, a broken heart, so that I will never turn my back on you again.
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