Like it or not, life is ostensibly about conducting relationships . . . and relationships are hard. They are most especially hard if you’re the type of person to place a lot of value on being in control. Because the place where we live, the things that we own, and the people that we know – all place limitations and conditions on us. And how well we’re able to handle these limitations and conditions will invariable define how well we’re going to cope with all of life’s ever-changing rollercoaster ride of circumstances. Because let’s face it, like it or not, life is a stress test, and how we live in relationship to this dynamic world will inescapably reveal all of the many cracks in our psyche.
The question is one of conformity – we know realistically, we can’t make the world conform to us, but we also intuitively know that we can’t completely conform to the world. So then what is the model for how we best live at peace with ourselves, while being at peace with others? Clearly, our sense of control must be negotiated, because tradeoffs are relationally inevitable – again, this is one of the reasons why relationships are hard. Some approach this challenge humbly, while others choose to be manipulative . . . and still others seem to be stuck.
One of the psychological profiles I’ve noticed over the years is the person who finds it hard to say, in a convincing manner, two things: “I’m sorry” and “Thank you”. These two things may strike you as unrelated – but I assure you they are decidedly related . . . as each one of these shares a fear of being exposed . . . exposed for not being in control. To demonstrate shame is to openly recognize your own blame; while to show gratitude is to recognize your own need – each one requiring a measure of humility, i.e., a sign of weakness. And in our fallen state, each of us is susceptible to a form of imposter syndrome, the fear that who we know ourselves to be will somehow be exposed — so instinctively we fear the slightest crack in the veneer of what we allow others to see.
Given that healthy relationships are built upon trust – vulnerability is unavoidably required. But before we’re willing to become vulnerable, we require some measure of assurance that all of the places where we are flawed and broken can be forgiven – before we’re willing to unpack our true selves. But here’s the thing about forgiveness – we won’t experience forgiveness if we are unforgiving of others (Matthew 6:14, 15). Said the other way around – how can I know what it means to be forgiven, if I don’t even know what it feels like to forgive? In this regard, our ability to experience forgiveness is inextricably tied to our willingness to forgive others.
Needless to say, the very nature of forgiveness is central to the Christian faith – but even so, many Christians struggle with knowing themselves as forgiven. And I’m suspicious this is because they struggle with truly facing the shame of requiring forgiveness –which in turn keeps them from being grateful for the forgiveness they’ve received. This is undoubtedly why the spiritual disciplines and liturgy of the Church include the confession of sins (1 John 1:8, 9), and the offering of thanksgiving and praise (Psalm 95:2). For when we habituate these disciplines, we begin to know what it means to walk in the humble path of Christ . . . so that we might know ourselves as being conformed to His image (Romans 8:29).
So let us make our humble confession . . .
This is an updated post originally published on Still Chasing Light
Featured Image by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
Comments are closed.