Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay, ”says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” ~ Romans 12:17-21
When Anger Holds Our Hand
I see the word anger, and I see red. In the center of rage is heat, frustration, confusion, reminders of being wronged, deception, lies, manipulation, and pain. It remains deeply rooted no matter what I do. Every other part of my spirit is gentle, humble, and kind. But there, in the center, is a stronghold brought on by others’ worldly behaviors and circumstances that I didn’t choose or desire for my life.
Since I was a little girl, Satan has used the destruction of others against me. This destruction, often in the form of hurtful actions and words from those in the grip of addiction, has enticed me to feel it fair to hold onto anger that appears justified. The darkness clings to my heart like the fangs of a snake in its prey. Poison flows through me in the intrusive thoughts of unforgiveness. I long to live free from this self-inflicted sickness. When I try to let go, it flares once again.
Addiction is a mastermind of evil, a force that can tear families apart. The pain it causes is unforgettable, etched into the very fabric of our being. It’s not only the individual who suffers but also those around them. People lose themselves to addiction, and in the process, it can bring out the worst in them. It escalates the darkest parts of their being. In its wake, it leaves families broken, children abandoned, and an abyss of emotions and feelings that seem to have no end. The weight of this issue is heavy, and we need each other’s support to bear it.
My belief in God, Jesus Christ, and the power of the Holy Spirit is unwavering. Yet, every day, I find myself grappling with the aftermath of family addiction. For every step forward, it feels like I take two back. The journey of forgiveness is not a straightforward path. It’s a struggle, a battle with oneself. We’re told to forgive for our own well-being, to amplify grace and tender mercy in the face of wrong. But sometimes, despite our best intentions, we find ourselves unable to follow through.
I wish I could forget. I do not want to remember this journey. The vision of drunken fits in the street, police lights in the night, children crying, adults screaming, hospital visits, and ambulance rides haunt me. The fear of silence as addiction took over in the brokenness of chronic substance use. I wish I had never gathered all the bottles or needles. There are so many pieces I would remove forever. Yet, they all remain jagged pieces, shattered in my mind.
These memories flood me daily, whether I want them to or not. I want to shout from the mountaintop, “Look what you did.” I want to get it all out and let go. Hearing someone say, “I’m so sorry for …” and understanding their actions would be freeing. It’s selfish of me to want that laundry list exposed and spoken out loud. That’s the darkness coming out. Vengeance is not mine.
There was a time when I could forgive and move on. When the wall of anger erects its towers, it becomes a challenge. I don’t feel closure to the hurt because it’s not closed. Every day I wake up is a reminder of the consequences addiction has played in all our lives. I live with this hate of Satan, the spiritual force behind addiction. He got a grip on my loved ones. Why didn’t they fight? How did this happen? Substance use rips through your brain and mind.
Guard Your Heart
Scripture tells us to guard our hearts- a gentle reminder to be mindful of our thoughts and emotions. It is our innermost thoughts that guide our actions and behavior. The heart is the pulse of life. Everything flows from it. To guard it builds up resilience and strength. We must accept that the fight against addiction starts in the mind. So does the fight against anything evil, including anger. They seem so far from one another. People want to place sin on a scale. Sin is sin. It all separates us from God.
I keep pressing in to work out the sorrow and anger in the aftermath of addiction. I know God is with me. He comforts me as I wrestle in a tug of war within myself. Pulling at the rope of wrong and right, anger and forgiveness battle to win. One day, I hope to surrender fully. For now, I confess there are days I’m holding on and refuse to let go. It is a choice.
Unhealed yet healing, I know I am on the path I must follow. God is working in me and through me every day. Even in my brokenness, He guides me toward restoration and wisdom. Our walk never ends. He never leaves. That’s the goodness of God. His presence in our healing process gives us hope and reassurance.
Featured Image by Joshua Choate from Pixabay
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