God speaks to me through music. Combine the power of good music with the power of God’s Word and the result is mood-altering, perspective-shifting, and life-changing.
Christian music is my saving grace when I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed. It centers me when I’m out of alignment, calms me when I’m anxious, and gives me the words to pray when I don’t have them. (Before I “learned” how to pray, I often used song lyrics to communicate my feelings to God.)
In times of trial, Christian music shifts my focus off my problems and onto Him, the source of my strength, hope, and healing. It’s what I listen to in the car with my kids, while I work out, and when I simply want to praise God for his faithfulness.
But it wasn’t always that way. There was a period of my life when I struggled tremendously and wondered where God was through it all.
I felt a loss of identity as a stay-at-home mom and questioned my purpose and direction in life. My marriage was hanging on by a thread, and nothing I could do felt like enough to save it. I struggled with feelings of loneliness, bitterness, unforgiveness, and letting go of control. I suffered from anxiety that crippled my thoughts, kept me up at night, and made me physically sick.
Throughout it all, I longed to hear God’s voice. But in those still, quiet moments, the silence was deafening.
Lament
At this point in my life, I had begun to read God’s Word and knew that a personal relationship with Him was possible. In John 10:27 (KJV), Jesus says, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”
If this was true, I wondered, why couldn’t I hear Him? What was wrong with me? Was it not one of His?
The shame of the possibility that I wasn’t worthy of a close relationship with God, coupled with feeling like a failure in my marriage, came to a head in 2015. But for the five years prior to the moment I first felt His presence, I felt restless, dissatisfied, and disconnected from God. The song Lament by Audrey Assad accurately describes this time, torn between the life I once knew and the direction God was calling me to go. Take a moment to listen to these lyrics:
I’m Mary and I’m Martha all at the same time.
I’m sitting at His feet and yet I’m dying to be recognized.
I am a picture of contentment and I am dissatisfied.
Why is it easy to work but hard to rest sometimes,
Sometimes, sometimes
I’m restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees
I’m twisting and I’m turning in an endless daydream
You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You
But try as I might, I just can’t catch You
But I want to, ’cause I need You
Yeah, I need You
I can’t catch You, but I want to
Ooh, how long, how long until I’m home?
‘Cause I’m so tired, so tired of running
Ooh, how long until You come for me?
‘Cause I’m so tired, so tired of running
The Middle Lane
In my previous post, I shared how God gently nudged me out of the left lane so He could steer me in the right direction. The slower pace of life in the “middle lane” did not come naturally to me. There were many times I was tempted to rev my engine and return to what was comfortable – to the fast-paced world where I felt noticed, important, and productive.
My response was to tighten my grip on the wheel, sandwiched between societal norms and spiritual wholeness that could come only through a personal relationship with Jesus. I didn’t understand that then, and with both hands on the wheel, I couldn’t fully embrace following Christ. I struggled to let go of control and put up walls to block the pain that prevented God’s love from pouring in. The result was tremendous anxiety.
In the middle lane, I received peculiar looks from people. They made comments that led me to question my decision and feel less than for choosing a simpler way of living. I took those comments personally, believing they were a reflection of who I was rather than a reflection of where they were in their own journey. As a result of my spiritual immaturity, I allowed the opinions of others to take root and grow, affecting my mental and emotional stability.
As I slowed down, others continued on, living their seemingly happy lives and leading me to wonder whether a change in pace was really necessary to find my calling, realign my priorities, and fulfill my God-given potential. (It was.)
For me, the “middle lane” was marked by internal conflict. I was grateful for the opportunity to be home with my children, yet felt guilty for wanting to go back to work. I posted smiling pictures on social media, but struggled with self-doubt and insecurity. I was driven by a desire to go and do, but wanted to be a devoted follower of Jesus. God showed me this meant setting my drivenness aside, but being still felt unnatural and unsettling. Can you relate?
I poured my time and energy into what I believed were meaningful activities. I signed up for classes, served in my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group, and became a Beachbody coach to encourage women to care for their health. I spent hours helping others at the expense of spending time with the Lord. The stress and anxiety continued.
Why is it so hard for us to rest?
When did we decide we must take care of our to-do lists, but time with the Lord can wait?
What will it take for us to let go of our fast-paced life so we can fully embrace a spirit-filled one?
Mary & Martha
In the Bible story of Mary and Martha, Martha becomes so caught up in preparations that “need” to be done for Jesus’ visit that she neglects to spend time with Him when He arrives. Her sister, Mary, is sitting at His feet listening to His teaching while Martha is in the kitchen frantically fixing the meal. Martha becomes angry and resentful that her sister isn’t helping her and calls out to Jesus, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” (Luke 10:40).
Jesus gently rebukes her, saying, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things. One thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the better part. It won’t be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42 CEB
In a world where our attention is divided by so many things, God reminds us that only one thing is necessary. He encourages Martha to set her to-do list aside to come spend time with Him.
Will we do the same?
As a society, we search far and wide for meaning in life when God invites us to simply seek Him. In Him, we find our purpose, and in fulfilling our purpose, we find meaning. When we focus on Him, our anxiety fades. When we come to Him, He gives us rest.
In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Yet we struggle to sit still, quiet our minds, and silence our surroundings long enough to spend time in His presence. We keep running, chasing, and questioning why God isn’t speaking to us.
When we can’t “catch God,” perhaps the more appropriate question is, “How’s my quiet time?” Am I sitting at His feet? Or, like Martha, am I worried and distracted by many things? Instead of trying to catch God, perhaps we need to slow down and stop running in a million different directions.
As a whole, we turn to other people and things to find acceptance, security, purpose, and identity, but they disappoint. They simply can’t satisfy our deepest desires because they weren’t designed to. We were created to be in a relationship with our Creator. We are complete through our union with Christ (Colossians 2:10).
We will remain restless until we find rest in Him. We will remain dissatisfied until we stop turning to things of this world to fill the empty places that only He can fill. We will remain disconnected until we make a conscious effort to connect with our Creator.
Call to Action: The struggle to live a Christ-centered life in a self-centered world is real! If you’re feeling restless, dissatisfied, or disconnected from God, let those feelings serve as an invitation to turn to Him rather than things of this world. Invite God to speak to you through songs, scripture, promptings, people, and prayer.
In the midst of my struggles, I listen to specific songs on repeat to alleviate my anxiety, lift my spirits, and find comfort in God’s promises. Two of my favorites are Sound of Surviving by Nichole Nordeman and Unraveling by Shelly Moore.
Dear God, I don’t understand why this is happening, but I trust that in bringing my pain to You, it will be used for a greater purpose. Help me learn how to know You better, let go of control, and find comfort in Your presence through my trials. Fill me with Your peace and patience to wait this out, holding on to Your promises for strength, restoration, and a return to a firm foundation (1 Peter 5:10). In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
“They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator – who is forever praised. Amen.” Romans 1:25
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Jen Roland
Featured Image by Unsplash
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