If you have your Bibles, please turn with me to Colossians 3, and we’ll look at verses 12-14.
As you’re turning there, I’ve become more aware over the past couple of years of the true meaning of the word, ‘narcissist.’ It’s a phrase that gets bounced around quite a bit and as I mentioned with the idea of Godly fear last week, the usage of the phrase is reminiscent of The Princess Bride where Inigo Montoya says, “I do not think it means what you think it means.”
We tend to use the word, narcissist towards anyone selfish or conceited but it goes way beyond that. And in fact, I bring it up to you because I’ve discovered that there have been some bonafide narcissists in my life, mostly in my past, and that it is an actual psychological disorder called, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
This trait is not something that people are born with, unfortunately, it’s developed within someone because of the way that they were raised, this disorder stems from a severe insecurity, and this is how they cope–they quite often do whatever needs to be done to get validation. And in doing so, they (sometimes knowingly, sometimes not) overcompensate for their low self-esteem and end up severely hurting others around them, usually through put-downs, scapegoating, gaslighting, manipulation, starting arguments–there’s a whole myriad of traits, but again, it’s developed in someone from a young age by how they’ve been treated and how that treatment has developed into severe insecurity, and now they need validation and they’ll get it any way they can–usually by putting others down so they can lift themselves up.
Why am I saying this to you? What does this have to do with our sermon today? Because people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have no sense of shame or guilt. They won’t recognize their problem, and therefore they won’t turn from it. They’ll gaslight someone who calls them out–in other words, they’ll place the blame on the other person somehow, like laughing at them or making a mockery of them…and then love-bomb them back into a relationship with them where after time, the narcissism starts all over again.
What I’ve learned through these YouTube videos is that there is one way and one way only to deal with a narcissist who is not self-aware or repentant, and that is to set boundaries, and maybe even cut them off altogether.
Again, what does this have to do with today’s sermon? Well, it’s just one example of how some people can be. No matter what they’ve done or how they’ve been confronted, they can still be so arrogant that they are unrepentant–even Christians. They can be adult bullies and put others down as a way of lifting themselves up. You may have been a target–whether it’s narcissism or some other form of verbal or physical abuse.
What do we do with people like this? What does the Bible say we should do? Well, we all know what we would like to do, and once again, if the Bible was man-made, it wouldn’t go against our natural desires.
Let’s take a look at our scripture this morning and find out what it says.
Scripture:
Colossians 3:12-14
(New International Version)
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
It’s easy to read verse 12 and look at the ‘other’ person and point our fingers and say, “There, this is you. You’re the narcissist, or you’re the one treating me badly, this is for you. You need to do this, you need to change.” But as I’ve said before, the Bible is meant to transform the reader, not to arm us with ammunition to shoot at others.
It is meant to arm us with ammunition to shoot at The Devil’s wicked schemes, as said in Ephesians 6, but when we’re tempted to shoot arrows at others, we’re to examine ourselves and how we should treat others, not the other way around.
I think the end of verse 13 says it all–if there is anything we need to keep in the back of our minds when it comes to forgiveness it’s this: Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
I’ll get back to that a little later, but first, looking at verse 12, it starts with ‘therefore,’ and as I’ve said before, when a chapter or a set of verses starts with a therefore, we need to know what it’s ‘there for.’
So preceding that, we get a glimpse in verse 5 where Paul says, “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature” and then he goes on to give some examples. Then in verses 9 and 10 he says, “since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”
So to condense it without the examples in the middle, it reads, “Put to death whatever belongs to your earthly nature…since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”
Then, we can–for the sake of this sermon and keeping it short and simple–skip verse 12, where Paul gives us his ‘therefore.’ So this is a reminder that we need to put into practice a new Godly behavior, again not a natural human behavior that is full of the sin and pride and anger that we naturally have. Even as Christians, we still struggle with and are prone to let out this old self once in a while.
There’s a story of a lady who once came to Billy Sunday and tried to rationalize her angry outbursts. “There’s nothing wrong with losing my temper,” she said. “I blow up, and then it’s all over.”
“So does a shotgun,” Sunday replied, “and look at the damage it leaves behind!”
Similarly, there’s an old Chinese proverb that says, “The fastest horse cannot catch a word spoken in anger.”
So what do we do? I mean, you’ve got to get your anger out somehow, right? Someone has to know they’re in the wrong, and someone has to tell them, might as well be you, right?
Well, sometimes, but not all the time.
Abraham Lincoln’s secretary of war, Edwin Stanton, was angered by an army officer who accused him of favoritism. Stanton complained to Lincoln, who suggested that Stanton write the officer a sharp letter. Stanton did, and showed the strongly worded missive to the president. “What are you going to do with it?” Lincoln inquired. Surprised, Stanton replied, “Send it.” Lincoln shook his head. “You don’t want to send that letter,” he said. “Put it in the stove. That’s what I do when I have written a letter while I am angry. It’s a good letter and you had a good time writing it and feel better. Now burn it, and write another.”
On a similar note: Many years ago a senior executive of the then Standard Oil Company made a wrong decision that cost the company more than $2 million. John D. Rockefeller was then running the firm. On the day the news leaked out most of the executives of the company were finding various ingenious ways of avoiding Mr. Rockefeller, lest his wrath descend on their heads.
There was one exception, however; he was Edward T. Bedford, a partner in the company. Bedford was scheduled to see Rockefeller that day and he kept the appointment, even though he was prepared to listen to a long harangue against the man who made the error in judgment.
When he entered the office the powerful head of the gigantic Standard Oil empire was bent over his desk busily writing with a pencil on a pad of paper. Bedford stood silently, not wishing to interrupt. After a few minutes Rockefeller looked up.
“Oh, it’s you, Bedford,” he said calmly. “I suppose you’ve heard about our loss?”
Bedford said that he had.
“I’ve been thinking it over,” Rockefeller said, “and before I ask the man in to discuss the matter, I’ve been making some notes.”
Bedford later told the story this way:
“Across the top of the page was written, ‘Points in favor of Mr. _______.’ There followed a long list of the man’s virtues, including a brief description of how he had helped the company make the right decision on three separate occasions that had earned many times the cost of his recent error.
“I never forgot that lesson. In later years, whenever I was tempted to rip into anyone, I forced myself first to sit down and thoughtfully compile as long a list of good points as I possibly could. Invariably, by the time I finished my inventory, I would see the matter in its true perspective and keep my temper under control. There is no telling how many times this habit has prevented me from committing one of the costliest mistakes any executive can make — losing his temper.
“I recommend it to anyone who must deal with people.”
So how must we deal with people? Verse 12 once again says,
“Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” It’s not that sometimes things should be glossed over, that’s not how to correct a situation. If you must correct a situation, there’s a Biblical way to do it. You’ll notice it has a lot to do with our self-control. According to a book on leadership, 90 percent of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice.
I, when dealing with a narcissist, have been dragged down to their level. Solomon, in The Book of Proverbs says, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, and he will be wise in his own eyes.” Some people just love to argue, they make a sport out of it.
Don’t fall for it. Mark Twain famously said, “Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”
So again, what do we do? Well, quoting Abraham Lincoln again, he said, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” Think about that. I’m sure Abraham Lincoln got that precept from The Bible.
How do you destroy your enemies the Abraham Lincoln way…or should I say, the Biblical way?
Verse 13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
You’ll notice there is no fine print with that. There are no terms and conditions. We are to forgive…Who? When? Where? Why?
The answer to that is in one simple half of a sentence: We are to forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.
Writing for Focus on the Family, Emerson Collins reminds us that you can only control yourself, not others.
Think about how important forgiving one another is. Forgiving someone should take precedence before asking God to forgive us. Jesus talked about this in Matthew 5 and 6.
He said, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24 (ESV)
He also said, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:14-15 (ESV)
Going back to Focus on the Family again, Emerson Collins said, [Jesus’ commands to forgive others] reminds us that holding onto that pain not only prevents us from making things right with others, it can also keep us from experiencing full fellowship with God. But what if the person who hurt you isn’t seeking forgiveness? Ultimately, the only people we can control is ourselves and we can still honor God by choosing to forgive, whether or not it’s acknowledged or accepted by the other party.
Forgiving an offender–whether they’re sorry or not, is not only the characteristic of being a child of God, but it is also physically and emotionally healthy for us.
Frederick Buechner, who was a Presbyterian author and pastor said, “Of the 7 deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back–in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.”
30 years ago, Doctors from Coral Gables, Fla., compared the efficiency of the heart’s pumping action in 18 men with coronary artery disease to nine healthy controls. Each of the study participants underwent one physical stress test (riding an exercise bicycle) and three mental stress tests (doing math problems in their heads, recalling a recent incident that had made them very angry, and giving a short speech to defend themselves against a hypothetical charge of shoplifting). Using sophisticated X-ray techniques, the doctors took pictures of the subjects’ hearts in action during these tests.
For all the subjects, anger reduced the amount of blood that the heart pumped to body tissues more than the other tests, but this was especially true for those who had heart disease.
Why anger is so much more potent than fear or mental stress is anybody’s guess. But until we see more research on this subject, it couldn’t hurt to count to 10 before you blow your stack.
I understand first-hand that forgiveness isn’t easy, and that it could take years, perhaps decades to forgive just one person for one thing they’ve said or done. But we have to, with God’s help, try to set this hurt and anger aside. Every single time the memory comes up.
The end of verse 13, I think, helps put this into perspective: Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Going back to Emerson Collins again, he said: Someone may have hurt us deeply. One way to put things into perspective is by thinking about all the things that God has forgiven us for. We have each hurt God through our sin, but he is always willing to forgive. If God can forgive us for what we have done, can’t we extend that same forgiveness to someone else?
And look, God hasn’t forgiven us just once, has he? How many times have we said, “Lord, forgive me?”
I thought I was going to be able to do a whole sermon without Gotquestion.org, but they have a really great post about this, let me read it to you.
It says:
Peter, wishing to appear especially forgiving and benevolent, asked Jesus if forgiveness was to be offered seven times. The Jewish rabbis at the time taught that forgiving someone more than three times was unnecessary, citing Amos 1:3-13 where God forgave Israel’s enemies three times, then punished them. By offering forgiveness more than double that of the Old Testament example, Peter perhaps expected extra commendation from the Lord. When Jesus responded that forgiveness should be offered four hundred and ninety times, far beyond that which Peter was proposing, it must have stunned the disciples who were listening. Although they had been with Jesus for some time, they were still thinking in the limited terms of the law, rather than in the unlimited terms of grace.
By saying we are to forgive those who sin against us seventy times seven, Jesus was not limiting forgiveness to 490 times, a number that is, for all practical purposes, beyond counting. Christians with forgiving hearts not only do not limit the number of times they forgive; they continue to forgive with as much grace the thousandth time as they do the first time. Christians are only capable of this type of forgiving spirit because the Spirit of God lives within us, and it is He who provides the ability to offer forgiveness over and over, just as God forgives us over and over.
Jesus’ parable of the unforgiving servant follows directly after His “seventy times seven” speech, driving home the point that if we are forgiven the enormous debt of sin against a holy God, how much more should we be eager to forgive those who sin against us, who are just as sinful as they? Paul parallels this example in Ephesians 4:32 where he admonishes us to forgive one another “even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” Clearly, forgiveness is not to be meted out in a limited fashion but is to be abundant, overflowing, and available to all, just as the measureless grace of God is poured out upon us.
Paul concludes this set of verses very simply, yet very profoundly. He says, “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
When you look at what we have just read and studied, it once again goes back to the first and second greatest commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Just as an aside, this is what Jesus meant when he said his ‘burden is light.’
In forgiving one another, we are loving God by fearfully (in the appropriate context) obeying his command to forgive; and we are certainly also loving one another.
As I was thinking about how forgiving one another is a form of loving God, I was reminded of this verse at the end of Ephesians 4 which says, “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”
Again from gotquestions.org: “Do not grieve the Spirit” appears to complement Paul’s opening exhortation to “live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1–3). Believers grieve the Spirit when they do not maintain peace and harmony in the body of Christ.
So as you can see, forgiving one another is not just part of the command to love one another, but also part of the command to love the Lord your God as well. And we are to take the example of God’s unending and unconditional love and forgiveness towards us to others as well. This is where true ministry begins; this is where we–as The Body of Christ–has historically failed. If we want to be true salt and light to the world, we have to forgive.
Think of prison ministry. Think of how prison chaplains have to look past a person’s egregious sins in order to love them towards the Love of God. God can and will forgive anyone. I have a screenshot on my computer of a former mafia captain, a prison chaplain, and The Son of Sam serial killer holding hands in prayer. If God can forgive anyone, it’s hard–but we can too.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on First Baptist Church of Watkins Glen
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