As older people near the end of their lives, it is common for them to look back and see the mistakes they made and how they cannot fix them. It’s also common for older people to want to warn younger people in their families not to make the same mistakes they did.
As older people look back on their lives, they will think not about how much time they worked or how they provided, but about all the care and love they gave to their families. However, as they think about death and what that means, they may have some regrets about how they spent their lives. Here are four regrets older people may have near the end of their lives:
I Worked Too Much
Older generations interacted less with their children than current parents do today. Dads were less interactive with their children and often referred to it as “women’s work.” Older men missed out on important life events because of work. In older generations, people held more traditional values. Fathers went out to work and were the primary breadwinners.
Moms often stayed home to care for the children. Their primary role was housekeeping, cooking, and caring for the children. In generations past, those values changed. Parents who are millennials now have more equal responsibility when it comes to how fathers and mothers interact. Both fathers and mothers share household chores and child-rearing responsibilities.
Because of this, older people may look back and wish they had interacted or played more with their children. It is tempting in the younger years of life to get caught up in making money, acquiring possessions, and keeping up with the neighbors.
Parents, no matter the age, may feel guilty about forsaking their opportunity to develop a deep relationship with their children. But when older people get near the end of their lives, they may question how much of that work was necessary and how much they could have spent with their children.
As a child of an older adult, thank them for the ways they sacrificed. Parents often report that they could not make ends meet based on the current economic standards at the time. Some had to scrimp and save and could only do a few fun things because there was no money. Encourage them by letting them know you are grateful for what they provided. This assurance will help ease the regret and allow them to feel more comfortable about how they spend their lives.
I Wasn’t a Good Parent
Today, kids’ opinions matter. Kids are allowed to make choices on many of the family activities, including where to go on vacation, what to do with time off, etcetera. Kids of older generations, however, had very little say. The saying that “children should be seen and not heard” was prevalent during that time. Kids often had little say in what was going on in their household.
Children were not able to make new rules, and they were not able to break the established rules, or else it was seen as disrespecting the parents’ authority in the household. Parents commanded respect, and they expected nothing less. This may have made a child feel undervalued or not like a member of the family.
However, those values have changed in today’s world. Kids often have much to say about how the family household is run. Although some may argue they have too much of a say, it’s way more than what children in older generations had in the past.
This perspective shift may make some elderly regret not caring more about children’s thoughts. While society looked down upon that, parents didn’t have to follow what society did. They could have taken the time to have intimate conversations with their children and allowed them to express their opinions about school, life, etcetera. Older people may think they were not good parents because of how kids are raised today. It’s because they have regrets about their parenting style.
If you are the child of an older adult nearing the end of their life and regret this, highlight what they did positively. They may not have been there as much as you would have liked, but highlighting the things that they did well as parents eases their regret. Let them know that although they made mistakes, they did the best they could.
I Could Have Been More Forgiving
Not only is it common for older people to look back on how much time they spent with their families, but they will also take an honest look at their relationships. As people age, they find they have fewer friends. Partly, this is due to people passing away as they get older.
However, as people’s lives change, they can experience different seasons, including transitions like moving and friends coming and going. It’s easy to break contact with friends or even allow some friendships to go stale simply because of bitterness or pride.
An older adult may regret not reconciling with the people they love. Whether it’s family or friends, they may wish they had different people in their lives. Sometimes, they even need to remember what they are arguing about and what is causing the spoiled relationship.
If you know an older adult struggling with relationships, reassure them that you are in their lives and love them. Go the extra mile and see if you can get them in contact with people who may be unreconciled. Encourage the person to reach out to older people at the end of their lives and offer forgiveness. Not only will this help the older adult find solace in death, but they will also feel they can tie up loose ends regarding their relationships.
I Should Have Loved More
In past generations, older generations felt that discipline was how to parent children. They often used harsher disciplinary measures because they believed that just sparing the rod was to spoil the child. However, Christian parents have learned to parent with grace. Society today allows kids to express themselves freely and explains the rules of why things are done the way they are.
In past generations, however, it was frowned upon to allow a child to speak into the rules of the household. Parents set rules, and they were to be obeyed at every cost. A child would be viewed as disrespectful if they disobeyed a rule or went against the authority of the household. Today, kids can express themselves even by expressing harsh opinions.
Parents no longer use physical disciplinary measures to discipline their children. Older people may wish that they had been kinder in different situations.
As a child of an older adult, thank them for instilling discipline in you. Although you may wish they were more gracious and loving at times, let them know you respected and loved them the same—the things the older adult did well. Even if they didn’t get along well with others, their values, such as honesty, integrity, and morality, were highly valued in years past. Thank them for instilling those values into you. Let them know you are a better person for their discipline.
Although it is common for the elderly to look back on their lives and reflect on all the ways they failed, you can provide a great perspective on their lives. Honor the elderly in your life as they near the end by encouraging them, supporting them, and letting them know they made a difference in your life.
Love them and let them know that they did a good job. Help them ease into the end-of-life transition by easing their conscience. Most importantly, make sure that they know their salvation and that they know Jesus so that they can make the most comfortable end-of-life transition possible.
Written by Michelle S. Lazurek
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Christian Grandfather Magazine
Featured Image by Richard Sagredo on Unsplash
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