Why we fear failure
Failure is such an ugly word. It evokes fear in all – both rich and poor, young and old, big and small. It will cause even the most confident of people to second-guess their choices.
But what are we really afraid of? Do we fear failure itself, or is it something else entirely?
Brenee Brown has spent most of her adult life researching the concept of guilt and shame and said,
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
You may not automatically associate failure with love and belonging, but in reality, the two are very closely related.
What are we really afraid of?
When we think about failing, our minds naturally spiral into a world of what-ifs, followed by a flood of emotions and fear.
- Shame
- Embarrassment
- Judgement
- Imperfection
- Family, societal, or self-rejection
- Starting over
Maybe we fear being human.
Whatever it is, the fear that failure evokes is real.
But what does it really mean to fail? Does it define who we are? No. Of course not.
In 2021, I worked with a trauma therapist who was helping me overcome my anxiety. And one of her favorite tools to use was called an ABC worksheet, which helps to uncover the underlying fears.
For me, catastrophizing was my frenemy. When I worried about something, it was always the worst-case scenario and ultimately would end in tragedy. If I dropped my son off at school and didn’t watch the door to the classroom close, click, and lock – it meant that he would somehow wander back out of the classroom looking for me at the exact time a kidnapper happened to be lurking in the school, and he would be gone forever.
Yes, I know. Highly unlikely, but due to my trauma brain, I was always convinced that I would be the 1%.
So while I hated it, I also felt that it saved me. Somehow.
As we’d work through the ABC worksheet, we would identify my presenting fears, the emotions, and then the likelihood of that thing actually happening. In some cases, I struggled to rationalize that the event was very unlikely. So she would ask me hypothetically,
“Okay, let’s say this happened. What would you do?”
I would answer, and she’d follow with,
“And then what?”
Again, I would answer, and she would again follow with,
“And then what?”
This would continue until we finally reached the bottom of my “and then what?” bucket, where I’d say,
“I guess I will pick myself back up and keep going.”
And in those moments, I realized something. No matter how awful the event or trauma, God had given me a beautiful gift…
Free will.
And with that gift, I have a choice. I keep going and risk failing again, or I could quit.
However, quitting is never an option in my mind.
WHAT HAPPENS IF WE FAIL?
CHOOSE ADVENTURE AND RISK FAILURE
In the 1990’s when I was a kid, Choose Your Own Adventure storybooks were incredibly popular. And as an avid reader, I would tuck myself under the covers with my book at bedtime and dive in.
With each page came a new choice, a new adventure, and a new plot twist. But, on occasion, I would make the wrong choice and those dreaded words – “YOU FAILED” – would arrive.
That’s life, isn’t it?
I’m sure, like me, you’ve felt the words “YOU FAILED” come and smack you in the forehead a time or two.
Which led you to ask yourself, “Now what?”
IS FAILURE REALLY WHAT IT SEEMS?
By societal standards, failure is a lack of something – whether accomplishment, status, career, or family expectation.
- If you lack a husband, you’ve failed at relationships.
- If you lack enough money to make ends meet, you’ve failed at managing your money.
- If you lack the ability to overcome challenges and bring your dream business to fruition, you’ve failed as a business owner.
But is that really what that means? Usually, no.
As you well know, there are plenty of contributing factors to why we fail.
- If you don’t have a husband, it could be due to infidelity, death, or maybe you were focusing on your career.
- If you struggle to make ends meet, perhaps you live in an area where the cost of living is very high and your wage is lower.
- If you struggle to bring your business dreams to fruition, maybe you just haven’t had the right direction or clarity.
Or maybe, when we fail, there is something else at work.
THE TRUTH ABOUT FAILURE
Failure is not something to be feared, like society says. Rather, it’s an invitation to keep learning, growing, and improving.
It’s an opportunity to build resiliency and dedication.
Let’s pretend for a moment that you could do anything without the fear of failure…
- Without fear of judgement
- Without fear of expectation
- Without fear of the unknown
What if you knew you would succeed?
What would you do?
For me…it’s this. Writing is my passion. My gift. My calling.
Helping is my blessing. And knowing I’ve won someone for the kingdom of God is my prize.
But let me tell you that the fear of failure is real. Having a “real career” and being recognized as a writer is hard.
For years, I let that hold me back. And then one day I found this quote:
“You only fail when you quit writing.”
So, I started. And I refuse to quit.
I know I will make mistakes, I’ll adjust, and I’ll learn. I may even pause to hear God’s voice more clearly. But I’ll never quit.
Proverbs 24:16 says,
“Though a righteous person falls seven times, he will get up, but the wicked will stumble into ruin.”
Meaning, we only fail when we quit trying.
IS THERE HOPE WHEN WE FAIL?
Before humanity was even a twinkle in the universe, God saw us. He saw our future. Our disgrace.
Some would even go on to call all of humanity a failure (cough Satan).
Because, for thousands of years since the seeds of doubt and sin were planted in the hearts of Eve and Adam, humanity has metaphorically—and not-so-metaphorically—spit in the face of God.
Despite the fact that He’s only ever tried to love us, humanity disobeys him.
Yet, His love endures.
And then, the culmination of our indignation was placed upon the gentle and loving shoulders of our savior, Jesus – who should have been met with love, gratitude, and rightful worship – was met with mockery.
As Jesus, our King of Kings and Lord of Lords, hung bleeding and torn upon the cross, passers by fell to the ground in mock worship, saying,
“He saved others; Himself He cannot save. Let the Christ, the King of Israel, descend now from the cross, that we may see and believe.” (Mark 15:31-32)
Talk about failure on humanity’s part.
Imagine…
The heartache of our loving God, as He watched His Only Begotten Son be crushed to the point of death on behalf of such a sinful and ungrateful race.
But God…
Instead of ending the suffering of His own Son – He poured out His wrath, turned His face, and allowed Jesus to bear the burden of sin and death owed to humanity.
Any human parent who loves their child would protest. “Not my child. Especially not for them!”
But God…
He didn’t look at humanity as a failure. Instead of cleansing the earth, saving His Son, and starting anew, He continued with His plan of redemption.
Just about 3 pm on that fateful day, Jesus cried out and drew His last breath. He was dead.
The enemies of God rejoiced, thinking they had finally defeated the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Proving once and for all that God was everything he accused Him to be. Ultimately, thinking he proved God a failure.
But among all uncertainties of life, of one thing we can be sure…
God never fails!
GOD’S MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING
That Sunday was no different.
Luke 24:5 tells us, when the women arrived at Jesus’ tomb, the awe-inspiring words of the Angel sitting upon the stone rang out…
“Why are you looking for the living among the dead?”
Mic drop.
Phil Whicham’s Sunday’s Coming sings,
“He’s alive! He’s alive! Hallelujah! He’s alive!
Give Him praise! Lift Him high!
Hallelujah! He’s alive!”
Satan, sin, and death – defeated once and for all.
IS THERE HOPE?
That’s why I no longer fear failure. And why you don’t have to either.
It’s not because I am perfect. It’s not because I know the way.
It’s because of that heart-wrenching, yet glorious day where we were redeemed! And because of that, there is no failure big enough to remove God’s love for you. Or me.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)
That’s why I’m certain healing from loss and grief is possible. Despite losing my husband and only brother, I have hope in the future. I place my trust in God.
That’s why I am unashamed of the many things I’ve tried in my life, along with the failures I’ve faced. Because I know that I am redeemed, and as long as God is with me, I cannot fail.
And neither can you. So, let me ask you again,
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? What would you try?
Would you continue to allow the toxic thoughts and daggers of the enemy to tell you, “you can’t.”? Will you continue to believe when he says, “You’re not good enough; You’re too broken to make a difference”?
Or, are you going to triumphantly shout back:
“I am REDEEMED!”
“I am a daughter of the true King.”
“I am made in His image.”
“I cannot fail, because… I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.”
The choice is up to you. What will you do?
FINAL THOUGHTS
Fear of failure can keep you stuck, but God never calls us to perfection—only to faithfulness. Even in your weakest moments, He is there, guiding you forward. Failure isn’t the end; it’s often the beginning of something greater when placed in God’s hands.
Written by Dionna Lee
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Amy Wadlington
Featured Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
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