Every breath is heavy tonight. I feel your rage from miles away. I wonder, do you feel my fear? You’ve wandered a road I refused to take. I left that decision with you. I stopped begging you to seek treatment. I conceded the fight.
Understanding that I couldn’t control you, there was one thing left to do- let go. It took months of anxiety, counseling, insomnia, and heartache. To move forward in my future, I spent many days revisiting the past. The solemn lessons broke through the barriers of failure and defeat.
In all my education, there was never an entire release. That’s not what letting go is. I surrendered intervening in your choices. You, as an adult, are free to make your life what you want.
I know I did too much, and I apologize. All my help stopped you from coping and learning to handle your affairs, finances, relationships, and consequences. My overreaching mothering was devastating to your mental and spiritual growth. While you should have been exercising your mind, I’m the one who ran your race.
You weren’t the fragile being I thought you were. You were tough and capable. It was your manipulation that drug me toward interfering. My goal was to shine a light on your strengths, but all I did was elevate mine. By playing your offense and defense, I allowed you to sit out. I was active in the game while you played Russian roulette on the bench.
I vomited my fears the day you revealed your track marks. Traumatized by the ease with which you shared, I came home physically ill. I wonder what the goal was when you pulled up your sleeve to show me. Were you looking for a shock? Did you find it? I stayed calm on the outside, but inside, my heart sank. What mother wants to see such evidence of brokenness?
Watching you live your life was evidence enough for me.
Slowly, we began to drift apart. You continued on your path of destruction. The further you went, the distance tore at the seams of our bond. If addicts thrive through connection, why do they do everything to push loved ones away?
I stood by you for years. I encouraged you and gave you so much of my time and energy. It was never enough. I was never enough. Letting go taught me that hard lesson.
What you search for will never be found in bottles, pills, needles, men, or me. Your feet follow the corridor of darkness on a one-way path. You only need to turn around to glimpse the light. But there is Satan, enticing you with every thought. If you begin to turn your eyes, he captures your attention with his lies.
We do love you. We believe you are worthy of abundant life. The devil has weighed you down with doubt, hatred, deceit, and shame. That’s all that flashes on his side of addiction. His conniving ways deter you from seeking truth. It was his plan in the beginning and continues today.
While waiting for what I don’t know, I always think of you. I remember better days. I cherish my memories as gold. My children bring joy and laughter to my soul. Even if today is filled with sorrow, happiness does exist. I will not allow my treasured memories to be overwhelmed and silenced by today’s pain.
I pray on. May God above reach you where I could not. May there be a divine appointment when you least expect one. God is working to bring you out on the other side. I see the light you left behind, but He is the light that lives all around. It is in Him that you will experience freedom. He will never give up on you.
Signed,
A Tired Mother
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Authentic Truths
Featured Image by Dillon Shook on Unsplash
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