Psychological abuse is a very damaging and insidious form of abuse that is usually very hard to pinpoint even if you are a highly observant person. A victim will often have a sense that something is wrong but may struggle to identify the real cause of the communication issues in their marriage and the true source of their unease.
Most times, psychological abuse does not involve outwardly controlling behaviors such as raging or threatening. Instead, it usually involves the disorienting tactic of abuse called gaslighting. This tactic of abuse is used to bully a victim into silence, to cause them to lose trust in themselves, and to keep them questioning their reality.
It’s important to note that the relational goal of an abusive person who gaslights their spouse is very different than the victim’s goal.
- A victim of psychological abuse is often seeking to resolve misunderstandings and restore peace and harmony to the relationship.
- A psychological abuser is often seeking to confuse, control, and brainwash the victim.
Below is a great example of what gaslighting looks like, written by Elle Renee Arters.
A Role Play Exercise in Gaslighting, a Psychological Abuse Tactic
Wife: Did you spend this $195 I see in our account?
Husband: No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
W: The $195 to Dick’s Sporting Goods? Your favorite store? You didn’t buy something? Because we hadn’t talked about it and now we’re under in our account.
H: I told you no. How did we go under? You’re supposed to be the one balancing our account. How did you let this happen?
W: I wasn’t expecting this expense.
H: Have you been checking our account every day?
W: Well… mostly, I didn’t check it yesterday, but I’ve been up on it every day this month.
H: Well, that’s the problem then. You should have checked it yesterday. You better call the bank right away & find out what happened. And you need to get this fixed – you know I’m going to the football game this afternoon and I’ll need money.
W: I’ll call the bank and see if we can get it reversed.
H: Maybe I need to take over handling the finances again. We really need to be able to depend on you tracking everything. Did you pay the internet bill? Or did you forget that too?
W: What? No, I paid that.
H: Are you sure? Or did you pay that because you’re always on the computer so you care about that, but you just don’t care if I hang out with the guys and go to the football game just even one time.
W: I don’t think that, of course I care, I’m glad you’re going today. I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened. I’ll see what I can do to fix it right now.
********************
H: what a great game! (cleaning out the back of the truck & bringing in the tailgate gear to the garage)
W: did you have fun? (just finished cleaning up cereal dinner with the kids and notices some new items in the garage) wait… are those chairs and cooler new?
H: what?
W: I’ve never seen those before. Did you buy those?? They’re not from Dick’s Sporting Goods, are they?
H: (greatly offended) I can’t believe you’re even saying that. Do you think I’m a liar?! I told you I didn’t buy anything.
W: Well, where did those come from?
H: What are you talking about? We’ve had these forever.
W: What?? No, I’ve never seen those before. These are brand new.
H: You’re crazy, you know we’ve had these. I told you. Greg gave them to us.
W: What??? You’ve never told me that. When did Greg give them to you? Why would he do that?
H: You know Greg, always buying the next bigger and better thing. He bought these earlier this year and then decided to get something else, so he gave these to us. They’re not even that nice compared to what he got.
W: He just gave them to you? You didn’t have to pay him anything for it? How come I haven’t seen them before?
H: (offended and angry) I don’t know why you haven’t seen them, they’ve been in the garage the whole time. Why are you asking me 100 questions? I didn’t do anything wrong. Greg’s wife doesn’t harass him when he buys stuff. I didn’t even buy anything and you’re nagging me. Not my fault you’re irritated at me for getting a night out while you were home with the kids. Stop taking out your anger on me.
W: (frustrated, confused, and emotional) Seriously?! That’s not what I was doing! I’m not angry! I’ve never seen them before and I was just trying to ask you a question!!
H: Geez, chill out, why do you have to get so hysterical all the time? I’m not even the one yelling even though you’re accusing me. I was just kidding with you. (calm and suddenly sweet and smiling. Walks over to give her a kiss). You take everything so seriously all the time. You didn’t even give me a chance to show you what I brought you. (hands her football memorabilia from the game). You act like I’m just this terrible monster who never does anything for you.
W: (confused and tired). I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know you do stuff for me, I don’t think that. I’m sorry, thank you.
********************
Wife doing laundry later that week and folding her husband’s clothes. Notices receipts in his pocket and pulls them out. There’s a receipt for Dick’s Sporting Goods for $195. Confronts husband.
W: What is this? You told me you didn’t buy anything at Dick’s. I called the bank to file a fraudulent claim and get the charge reversed because you said you hadn’t made that purchase!!
H: (Snatches the receipts angrily). Why are you going through my stuff?
W: I was doing your laundry for you! Why did you lie to me?!
H: I didn’t lie.
W: Yes you did! You told me you didn’t buy anything!
H: I never said that.
W: What are you talking about?! That’s exactly what you said!
H: Well, what was I supposed to do? You never let me spend anything that I need. I work my butt off all day so sue me that I didn’t want to come home to you nagging and yelling at me about one little purchase for me for a change.
W: Wait, you also told me that Greg gave you these things for free! What the heck – you just made up a whole story?! I knew I wasn’t crazy, that I hadn’t seen those chairs before! Oh, my word!!!
H: See, you’re freaking hysterical, I can’t even talk to you right now. You’re so controlling. (grabs the keys and heads to the door)
W: Where do you think you’re going?! We need to talk about this! You lied straight to my face. Again!
H: There’s nothing to talk about. You don’t know what you’re talking about and you’re not even open to listening to my side. You think you know everything. I don’t even know why I’m still with you some days. Just use me for my money and you don’t even give me sex every day either. (slams door and leaves).
********************
In counseling appointment with pastor/counselor.
PC: So did you guys read the assignment and work on your communication this past week? Can you give me an example of how you’ve shown love to your wife, and how you’ve shown respect to your husband?
H: (jumps in immediately) I think this week has gone really well. (smiles at W and reaches to take her hand. W is sullen and weary & irritated by his sudden affection. H keeps pursuing and she reluctantly lets him hold her hand while he also snuggles up closer and puts his other arm around her)
PC: that’s great! I’m so pleased that you’re taking this seriously & working on your marriage. Was there any specific way you showed her love this week?
H: I went to a game with the guys this past week, and I knew she was probably tired & maybe a little jealous that I got to go out while she stayed home with the kids. Even though we were tight on money, I made sure to bring her back her favorite new tumbler that she’d been wanting.
PC: that’s great H! W, how did that make you feel to know he had done that for you?
W: (weary and quiet). Fine.
PC: (puzzled and disappointed) Just fine? He was considering how you must have felt at home by yourself and wanted to know he was thinking about you. Sounds like he was looking out for your heart, helping you know you didn’t have any reason to be jealous. That just seemed… fine, to you?
W: (realizing she had given the wrong answer) No, I wasn’t even jealous. That’s not it, it was… (sigh) very sweet, yes, it was very thoughtful of him.
PC: (pleased, affirming, and smiling) Good! And W, how do you feel about this week? Was there a specific way you showed him respect?
W: (trying to figure out how to explain the lying situation. Lets go of H’s hand). Well… I did want to bring up one thing…
H: (interrupts) Well, PC, there was one more thing I wanted to talk about actually. Now, I know I shouldn’t have gotten upset, but we had a little misunderstanding about this one small purchase I made without asking her earlier this week. I know she likes to be in control of all our finances and I’m trying to do a good job leading her in how to budget and manage. She made a little mistake & our account went under. We got a little angrier than we should have at each other and I even had to leave for a bit to cool down so I didn’t say anything I’d regret. And I know I need to do a better job at that. I take full ownership for my part. But I think we did a good job working through it. Everyone makes mistakes, I’m not mad at her, we just have to keep working harder through these kinds of things. I love her, our marriage is worth it and I’m committed to making us work. (leans over to give her a kiss while she’s visibly upset).
PC: Absolutely, I’m so happy to hear you say that. Not enough good men and women take this seriously enough these days. Sounds like you guys handled it well. You owned it and apologized. I’m assuming W, you did too?
W: What? No, I didn’t apologize. That’s not what happened.
PC: (puzzled, disappointed & a little irritated). Well, he just told me what happened. You never asked him for forgiveness for your part in the misunderstanding?
W: There wasn’t a misunderstanding. He lied to me about a purchase he made. He told me he didn’t buy anything at Dick’s and then he brought home chairs and a cooler that he said Ryan gave him and then I found this receipt, and…
H: (interrupts) I never said Ryan gave me those things.
W: (flustered) I meant Greg. It was Greg, right? You said he had bought those things for you because…
H: (interrupts) I never said Greg bought me those things.
W: (frustrated and flustered) Yes you did! Oh wait, I meant he brought you those things. It doesn’t matter. The point is…
PC: (interrupts) Hold on! I don’t think we want to drag all this back up. The details don’t really matter. The point is you guys had worked through it, H apologized and even gave you a gift. If you forgave him, then we really don’t need to be bringing this backup. Are you ready W to apologize so he can also extend forgiveness to you and we can move beyond this?
W: I didn’t do anything wrong!
H: (exchanges knowing look with PC and heaves a heavy, victimized sigh) I just don’t know what else to do some days. It’s like nothing I do is ever enough. I want this marriage to work, but I just don’t know if W does.
PC: (scrutinized, disapproving look at W while he takes some counseling notes on his pad of paper)
W: I’m… I’m sorry. I just, I was wanting… I don’t know. I guess… I’m sorry.
H: I forgive you. (charming smile) See, that wasn’t so hard? (light laugh and kisses her on the cheek)
W: (bewildered and silent).
********************
Gaslighting. Minimizing. Blameshifting. Denying. Triangulation. Intimidation. Just to name a few of the tactics seen above.
This scenario plays out in relationships every.single.day.
Chronic lying will make a person feel crazy because her reality and judgment are being assaulted – the abuser demands her reality and judgment be whatever he needs it to be to get what he wants. There is simply no respect for the other person’s truth, perspective, or facts.
There Is Healing, Hope, and Freedom
If you have experienced the harmful effects of gaslighting, I am praying for God to clear the fog of confusion and give you great clarity and sharp discernment. I am also praying that God would heal your heart, restore your trust in yourself, and bring safe people alongside you to walk through this healing journey with.
You can also visit our Esther Company resource section to find more helpful articles, books, and podcasts.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Esther Company
Featured Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay
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