My name is Lisa. I began sharing my story only after my child shared hers. She and I would share each other’s writing when things were brighter. I plan to take the stage with her one day as we describe this journey to others.
For now, I write solo. I do this for two reasons. First, many parents are stepping into the world of addiction for the first time. They are lost and worried. The words I share bring hope and a reminder they are not alone. Second, I write as part of my recovery (from the trauma) and peace. There are days I read my own words to remind myself! What we endure could easily take us down.
I am a Christian mother of four with six grandchildren. I raise two of them.
As a Christian, I declare my life belongs to the Lord. I love God, and I love others as I love myself. However, I make hard decisions daily. My choices feel counter to God’s calling on my life.
“I cannot pay for a hotel” sounds cruel when someone is homeless.
“I will not send you money” sounds selfish. (I’ve sent food instead)
“You can’t live with us” sounds heartless.
None of it felt Christian or motherly. All of it shattered my heart.
I tried to stay in contact, but trust wained.
“You don’t love me.”
“I hate you.”
“I can’t believe you won’t help me.”
“I hope I die, and you have to live with that.”
My words became empty and fell on deaf ears. Our deep and cherished connection is gone. My heart screams, even to this day, for a recovery I cannot force. Healing would come if my love were enough. Dear child, I do love you; I always will.
Substance abuse continues to wreck lives. The devil sits on the shoulders of our loved ones, whispering and relishing the devastation. Evil is behind the brain-altering pandemic outcome of addiction. God warned us about keeping our thoughts pure and focused. Thoughts race at the speed of light, but we can take control. God knew the struggle and gave us a way to act (or not act) on them through His Word.
The weight of letting go crushed my heart. Breathless at times and ridden with fear, I accept the results of long-term substance use. Those who are ready will detox and go to treatment, end up in jail, or we, the family left behind, will have to bury our beloved.
That’s it.
The Harsh Reality
Faith is a funny thing. There are moments I believe and seconds I don’t, not in God, but in His power. There is no forced reconciliation with God. In His wisdom, he gave each of us free will. Blessed, we have the human ability to choose. I cannot fix addiction. My words will not change the broken mind that cries out for more. Pleading for treatment won’t fix a thing. Their life begins recovery only when they cry out for change and sobriety.
Maybe you are there today, alone in a space of darkness. Wordless groans echo through your soul. Tears leave permanent trails down your face. Your heart is racing with constant worry.
The solid grip of fear is crushing. I know. I’ve lived it.
I said enough in a moment of bitter solitude a few states away. I carried the weight of doom for too long. I chose to be free. I trusted God and said, “Here you go.”
I never thought life would be the same today.
He waits. How does he do it? How does the world’s Creator sit back and watch us be so careless? Why does he come back for us? Love. That’s why I stay rooted in my faith, grounded through prayer, and planted in the Word.
The God who listens to me whine carries me through. He always has and always will. Moving on to live my life doesn’t make me an evil Christian. Giving my child the space to live her life doesn’t make me a bad parent. I am in a place of rest. I will not aid addiction. I will not be the one who provides a means to get high. I know the pain of contributing to death would kill me. I no longer support the lifestyle in any way.
I love my children. The hope remains. I pray and think of them all fondly. Even in a strained relationship, my love flows. They may not believe me, but it is true. I await the day to hold my child again. For now, the grip of addiction is ahead. I think in the end, she will win.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Authentic Truths
Featured Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay
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