My wife and I homeschool our children. There are many reasons behind that decision, but that’s not the focus of this post. The other day, I walked into the house after work and found our kids gathered around the table working on presentation projects.
My 12-year-old daughter came up to me, excited to show off her work. She had clearly put a lot of effort into designing her presentation board with care and precision. But she was frustrated—she had misjudged the size of her title, and the letters ran onto one of the side flaps of the board. She felt like her effort had been wasted. I took the board, turned it around, and bent the flaps the other direction. “Now you have a fresh side to try again,” I said. She smiled, gave me a hug, and said, “Thanks, Daddy.”
Then there was my son—10 years old, soon to be 11. He was working on his board too. I looked over his project, then looked at him and asked, “What is that?” He stared at the board for a few seconds and said, “What?” I asked, “Is that your best work?” Silence. After a moment, I pressed him for an answer. “Yeah,” he finally said.
So I followed up: “So that sloppy handwriting, the crooked title, and the messy layout—that’s your best?” He started to defend it, insisting it wasn’t that bad. I calmly pointed out the areas he could improve. Eventually, he admitted that he could have done better. I told him he’d be getting a new board and redoing his project. I could see the disappointment in his face. Without another word, I walked out to the garage to start my afternoon workout.
A few minutes later, he came into the garage to grab some supplies. I pulled him aside and said, “My job as your father is to push you to be better and to hold you to high expectations. You might think I’m being mean—and that’s okay—but the truth is, I’m here to help you grow into someone who is strong, capable, and confident.”
Then I asked him, “When I give you a job to do, what do I expect?” He looked at me and replied, “To do it all the way through and to the best of my ability.” “Exactly,” I said. “And that expectation doesn’t just apply to chores—it applies to everything you do.”
I finished by telling him, “I love you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t push you to be better.”
Fathers are not meant to be friends to their children. Their role is to set expectations, instill discipline, challenge their children to grow, hold them accountable, and encourage them to become the best versions of themselves. This does not mean using harshness or criticism—it means providing consistent guidance and support while upholding standards. Fathers are among the most influential figures in a child’s life.
One of the greatest challenges in today’s society is that too many fathers are neglecting their responsibilities. They often fail to model high standards and choose to be liked rather than to lead with purpose. But children don’t need a friend who avoids conflict—they need a father who leads with strength, compassion, and accountability. When fathers fall short in their roles, it’s the children who suffer the most.
I’ve witnessed fathers care more about their children’s approval than about maintaining the standard their kids truly need. If I had given in to my son’s disappointment, I wouldn’t have done him any favors. He needed to feel that disappointment because he knew he was capable of more. As his father, it’s my responsibility to push him to reach that potential and to expect his best in everything he does. It’s my job to set the standard—and hold him to it.
Fathers must lead with love as well as strength. I told my son, “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t push you to be your best in everything you do.” Love isn’t just about warm feelings or being liked—it’s about setting standards and holding them.
True love sets high expectations but offers grace when those expectations aren’t met. It provides both discipline and direction. Love doesn’t waver with emotions—it remains steady in respect, responsibility, and growth.
Fathers are called to lead with this kind of love—not the world’s version rooted in comfort or approval, but a deeper love that says, “You are more than your actions, choices, or words. You were made to grow, to give your best, and to become strong and courageous.”
Fathers, stop seeking your children’s approval. What they truly need is your guidance. They need you to set and uphold standards, to challenge and encourage them to be their best, and to lead them toward becoming the strongest version of themselves.
But that starts with you. You cannot expect more from your children than you expect from yourself. Model the discipline, integrity, and perseverance you want to see in them. Be the example they can look up to. Be strong. Be courageous. Love boldly. Lead consistently. And most importantly, be a father—not a friend.
Although this message speaks directly to fathers, the principle applies to all parents. Your child doesn’t need another friend—they need structure, accountability, discipline, and unconditional love.
Yes, your child may get upset or frustrated. That’s okay. Their feelings about your guidance do not outweigh the importance of it. Stay steady. Stay true. In the end, you won’t just raise happy kids—you’ll raise resilient, respectful, and responsible adults who contribute meaningfully to the world.
Written by Dr. Kristopher Wallaert
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Christian Grandfather Magazine
Featured Image by Pexels from Pixabay
Comments are closed.