Loneliness in our culture is at an all-time high. While God designed us for deep intimate connection with Him and closely bonded friendships with others, we’re missing out. While we’re all going to feel lonely at one time or another, it is not God’s will for us to stay in that place.
In light of this new epidemic, we need to ask ourselves the personal questions: Why do I feel lonely? What attitudes or habits have we developed that might contribute to our feeling isolated? As I’ve been thinking about this and doing some research, I’ve landed on 4 habits that contribute to feeling isolated.
4 Habits that Contribute to Your Loneliness
Building Protective Walls Around Our Hearts. Now, let me be clear, I am not talking about boundaries. Embracing our limits and setting boundaries are healthy parts of every relationship. What I’m talking about is when we take offense and build walls to keep others out. Proverbs 19:11 reminds us that it is wise to overlook offense. The story is all too common. Someone is betrayed in a marriage and decides never to trust again. Another gets hurt by a church and decides faith and spiritual community are not important. A friend gets ghosted by another and decides close friendships are too risky. Here’s the thing, Jesus calls us to love one another (John 13:34). We are not to build protective walls around our hearts. Rather, we are to love deeply and trust Him to protect us. Try this: Reach out to someone who has hurt you and encourage them in some way.
Scrolling Our Phones. In the words of author Summer Joy Gross, “Technology and the way we are consuming information is resculpting our brains. It’s slicing and dicing our attention span.”(1) As a result, we are no longer able to be fully present with others. We need to wean ourselves off our addiction to our phones to fully recover our ability to offer full presence to others. Try this: put your phone away for at least 20 minutes per day.
Finding Fault with Others. Whether in our self-talk or our conversations with others, finding fault in others will lead to loneliness. Jesus warned us to not judge or lob criticisms at other people (Matthew 7:1-3). Practice seeing the best in others. Think the best of their motives and don’t seek to “help” them by criticizing. The truth is rarely does it help to offer criticism. If you’re concerned about something, share it with gentleness. If others sense you have a critical spirit, they will back up. It’s human nature. Most people know what’s wrong with them; you don’t need to tell them. Try this: next time you’re tempted to criticize, offer encouragement instead.
Racing Through Life at Top Speed. Hurry is one of the biggest sins of our generation. If you trace the life of Jesus through the Gospels, you will never see Him in a hurry. When you are constantly rushing through life, you don’t have time for other people. In order to enjoy real friendship, slow down. Learn how to be still and present with God (Psalm 46:10). If you can’t be present with God, you likely can’t be present with others. Try this: choose the longest line in the grocery store and ask God to quiet the hurry within you.
Friend, it’s possible that we are lonely because we are sabotaging our own relationships. Be mindful of these 4 habits and ask the Holy Spirit to transform you into someone who can love others well.
Pick up a copy of Becky’s latest book Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World here.
- Summer Joy Gross, The Emmanuel Promise, (Grand Rapids, MI.: BakerBooks, 2024), 163
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