“Suicide survivor.” Two words I never imagined would be part of my story. Yet, during an intense 2.5-year battle with anxiety and depression, I attempted to end my life twice, eventually spiraling into psychosis.
At rock bottom, I found myself in a pit littered with guilt and shame, suffocating beneath its crushing weight. How could a Christ-follower end up here?
But God! Through the relentless love and wisdom of my husband, a faithful group of fasting, praying friends, and a compassionate, merciful Heavenly Father, He took what the enemy meant for evil, and redeemed my story with healing, hope, and divine purpose.
If you are battling anxiety and depression, or gripped by suicidal thinking, I want you to know, you are NOT alone. God designed us in an intricate, wonderful way—body, soul, and spirit. But since the Fall, sin has left its mark, introducing pain and trauma into our lives, leaving dirty fingerprints on a canvas intended to shine, reflecting its Creator.
You may be in a dark spot like I was, unable to understand the insomnia, racing thoughts, and overwhelm. Don’t give up. Even great men of the Bible struggled with anxiety and despair.
Remember the prophet Elijah? He went through a major trial that caused extreme apprehension and hopelessness.
Elijah had just witnessed the almighty power of God on Mt. Carmel. You can read the gripping account in 1 Kings 18. However, the mountaintop was followed by a deep valley. We see Elijah on the run after receiving a death threat from King Ahab’s wife, Jezebel. It conjured up such fear that he took his servant and ran for his life.
When they got to Beersheba, he continued on alone. Elijah began to isolate himself. Pay special attention to what he requested from God:
“But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.” (1 Kings 19:4, KJV)
Elijah asked the Lord to take his life—he wanted to die. I love the Lord’s response:
“And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat.” (1 Kings 19:5, KJV)
He didn’t rebuke or criticize Elijah. In the middle of an intense trial, Elijah was experiencing physical and emotional exhaustion. God met him right where he was and provided for his needs, supplying food, water, and rest.
Elijah ate, drank, and rested again. The angel of the Lord woke him, provided more food, and sustained him supernaturally for forty days until he reached Mount Horeb. When God asked him why he was there, Elijah was still deeply discouraged:
“And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and thy seek my life, to take it away.” (1 Kings 19:10, KJV)
Do you hear his despair? He was convinced he was the last prophet still serving God. After another breathtaking display of divine power—wind, fire, and an earthquake—the Lord spoke in a still, small voice, asking why Elijah was there. Elijah’s response echoed his first answer.
Instead of reprimanding Elijah, the Lord reassured him—he was not alone. Seven thousand remained faithful, refusing to worship Baal. His mission wasn’t over; God still had a plan, recommissioning him with new tasks and a successor, Elisha.
Through Elijah’s valley, God provided for every need—food, water, rest, purpose, and people to support him. He was present through every struggle, offering perspective when Elijah lost sight of His plan.
In the battle with anxiety and depression, our inward focus can become so narrow that we miss God’s presence, His plans for our lives, and the greater story He’s unfolding. Remember how the Lord provided everything Elijah needed for his body, soul, and spirit? He longs to do the same for you.
God is molding you to look more like Him so you can accurately reflect Him to those around you. Let the Lord transform your hard story into a story of hope that encourages others and brings great glory to Him.
Written by Maria I. Morgan
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Jesslyn McCutcheon-Fighting Goliath for Mental Illness
Featured Image by Kiên Trịnh from Pixabay
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