The battle rages on.
Enabling. Co-Dependency. Rock Bottom. Tough Love.
People outside of addiction use these terms to help their family and friends with a loved one in addiction. Those with loved ones often feel shame, ostracized, and judged when they hear these words.
Why?
In my long-term journey through addiction with a loved one, they all hold some truth. I don’t feel shame or judged. Watching and living in addiction has been one of the most significant challenges of my life. It encouraged my impossible obsession -to save someone against their will and try to control something I could never control.
We ask not to be labeled as enablers. However, I concede the reality- I’ve made choices as a fearful mother who helped addiction by handing over money, paying bills after their money was used for drugs, and making excuses when I knew the truth. The reality was- I assisted addiction (enabling). My actions very well could have provided the final high. That’s the fact. I couldn’t have lived with that myself.
It hurts deeply to hold boundaries that go against what addiction desires- which is control of my life along with my loved one. But truth be told again, that power over me did exist at one time. I jumped when addiction said jump and became mentally obsessed with the impossible task of saving my children. So, yes, co-dependency was possible in my life and achieved quickly. I took my control back.
I had to experience tough love to gain myself once again. Tough love was not an expectation to change their behavior; it helped to change my own. We reach the concept of tough love (strict boundaries on our actions to change ‘our’ behavior) when we move into the recovery of our lives and realize the role we played. Here, we find another theme in control. We are attempting to manage our loved one’s choices and consequences in hopes of saving them. It’s a control we never had. I’m afraid I have to disagree with the popular definition.
My son admitted to hitting ‘his’ rock bottom- a place he found after “falling through one trap door after another and finally choosing to climb out.” (His words) I didn’t allow him to hit that place. He decided he was there and chose to help himself.
He’s been working in recovery for three years now- his rock bottom was simply the lowest place he allowed himself to go. I’m very proud he recognizes that and knows and chooses not to return. It was a destination he’d like to avoid. He may bounce through relapse, but he remembers rock bottom; he hasn’t been there again.
I found the most incredible support came when I was honest- about the severity of their condition and the severity of my mental attachment, fear, anger, loss, and living grief. I was able to support others when I accepted that every parent has their journey and way of handling their child’s addiction crisis. I never judge those who do this differently than I do. Why would I? I have one fighting to maintain recovery and facing those challenges, but there is still one homeless in active addiction.
All the methods in the world don’t point to the answer. If one way were perfect, we’d not have this crisis. If love could cure it, people wouldn’t be dying every single day. If anything we could or couldn’t do were the answer, we wouldn’t be here.
We grow stronger when we accept there will be pain through every decision we make and every compulsive decision they make. There is no way to walk this journey without hurting. But I hope I can be here to help.
There should be no shame in managing the impossible situation of working through addiction. Please don’t dwell on changing how society perceives our actions. Stay focused on how you survive. That’s what matters.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Authentic Truths
Featured Image by Warren on Unsplash
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