I can easily get caught up in this problem since I’m also a counselor and life coach. I can diagnose an unhealthy attitude or action, and step in with my “trusty counselor’s voice” to bring my husband down a notch or two in nothing flat!
The problem with this approach is “what I believe” because …
- I believe I’m only helping.
- I believe I’m rooting out a problem.
- I believe I’m motivating my spouse!
What could be better than all of that?! And to make matters even more confusing, if I handle the situation wisely, I truly can motivate him. But very often, when I focus on getting my spouse to change, rather than choosing to change myself, what I end up doing is manipulating him.
So what are the differences between motivation and manipulation?
- Motivation involves respect, meaning you allow your spouse the freedom to accept or reject your suggestion.
- Motivation involves coming alongside your spouse—never appearing condescending or competitive.
- Motivation communicates humility on the part of the motivator.
- Motivation puts the other’s interests as the priority over his/her own.
- Manipulation involves deciding for your spouse what is best or right.
- Manipulation often involves some type of coercion.
- Manipulation is often negative and sounds like criticism or nagging.
- Manipulation often projects guilt on the other: “If you don’t do this, then you’re hurting us.”
- Manipulation often involves a sense of entitlement on the part of the manipulator, and therefore, is driven by pride or selfish desires.
The best solution to this confusing problem is to determine what you can change about yourself. For example, Let’s say I want my spouse to spend more time talking with me at the end of the day. Instead of nagging him or criticizing him (which is demotivating) for not doing what should be “healthiest” for our relationship, I should form a game plan to change myself.
What would a game plan include? (The list is not exhaustive!)
- Think about how I want to say something ahead of time, instead of waiting until the moment it occurs and my irritation is showing.
- Ask my spouse for input on how to address the need I have, instead of deciding for him/her.
- Lower my expectations, believing that I’ll get exactly what “I” want. (Marriage is a partnership!)
- Be patient with my spouse’s progress when he/she agrees to the change.
- Commit to praying about this matter, for more than just a day.
All of these strategies involve things you and I can do that don’t include changing our spouses! But very often, I think we’ll find that if we change ourselves first, our spouse will more willingly follow our example!
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Worthy Bible Studies
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