This blog is entitled ‘One step forwards, two back’ because this is our infertility journey currently feels.
But whilst we are discouraged we are not without hope, and I’ve written this to share what I’m learning with anyone else wrestling with those worrying what’s ifs, why nots, and when’s in life.
One step forwards, two back…
We finally got a prescription for a fertility drug called clomiphene (Clomid) last week as our recurrent miscarriage clinic has reopened after being shut since lockdown began.
‘Hooray!’ I thought. ‘We can finally start trying to conceive again next month, and with new fertility drugs that might give us an extra boost too!’
But oh no…
Because lately I have had also an issue with some irregular cycle patterns, and our consultant says it’s a concern – especially now that I’m of an ‘advanced maternal age’ (as medical professionals so delicately refer to being 40+); concerning enough to warrant some further investigation.
So now we’re back to waiting again…
Waiting for another referral, then another appointment to come through. And that will almost certainly be followed by an inevitable wait for test results, then a further appointment to discuss our next steps…
So right now, it really does feel like we’re moving one step forwards, then two steps back.
What if?
We’re told that this should all happen within a few weeks, and after already having our plans ‘on hold’ for months during COVID-19, I figure it’s hardly worth getting stressed about a little bit more waiting now. But I do feel apprehensive about what they might find.
What if the tests unmask another unexpected, and as yet undiagnosed fertility issue? And what if it can’t easily be fixed?
Equally, what if everything is fine and we try using Clomid but it doesn’t work? What then? Where does that leave us?
What if, what if, what if…
It’s a small, simple phase, but it carries a lot of weight. Uncertainty. Fear. And a lack of control.
But really, what is the point of asking ‘what if’, or worrying about all of the possible worst-case future scenarios before they even happen? It doesn’t change anything at all. Instead, it’s much better to wait and see what happens, and then respond to what unfolds.
And I don’t mean that in a ‘bury your head in the sand’ kind of way. I’ve found that pretending that everything is fine by ignoring your emotions only tends to make them come out sideways. Instead, I’m trying to acknowledge them but keep them in check, through daily reflection and honest journaling about how I feel.
Even if not…
Do you know what I’ve realized recently as I’ve tried to identify and manage all of those little anxieties, fears, and ‘what if’s’? Often those small fears and worries are all just masking over our greatest fear of all.
And I think that my greatest fear in this situation is this: What if’ things don’t improve, or don’t ever work out the way I hope? What if God doesn’t come through for us? Where will that leave us, and what will it do to our faith?
I guess it’s a pretty natural worry to have, whenever we feel out of control and out of our comfort zones when it comes to trusting in God.
But here’s what also struck me this week: What if we could switch up our biggest ‘What if’ for an ‘Even if not’?
You see, ‘what if’ is about fear, anxiety, and trying to hold onto control, but ‘even if not’ is about choosing a posture of openness and trust instead.
The best example I can find of this mentality is in the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, from the Book of Daniel. If you ever attended Sunday school it will probably be a familiar one; these three zealous men of faith are thrown into a blazing furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar because they refuse to bow down and worship his false gods.
And right before they are thrown into the flames, this is what they say:
If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it… But even if not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.
(Daniel 3: 16-18)
But what inspires me about this is not so much the first part of their response, which tends to get focused on as an example of their great confidence in God. Instead, it’s that little phrase that comes afterward which really jumps out at me, ‘But even if not… we will not serve your gods.’
Taking the posture of ‘Even if not’ is essentially about saying, this is what hope for and believe that God can do, but even if he doesn’t, I believe that God is still in control and that there is still goodness ahead for me…
And so I wonder, could our response be the same?
Could I say, ‘Yes I believe that God is able to heal my body and give us a healthy second child. But even if not… I will still trust Him with my heart, my family, and my future?
And could you apply this to whatever situations or circumstances you might need to trust God with right now, or in the future too?
It’s such a challenge, but what I learn from reading this story is that it helps to resolve this question before you hit a crisis in your life, just as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had.
What’s the alternative?
It’s interesting that quite a few times over the past couple of years, people have said to me, ‘Oh I think you’re so strong. I don’t know if I could still believe in God if I had walked in your shoes…
And I know it’s meant as an encouragement. But we have wrestled with our questions and doubts in the face of loss just as much as the next person would. And at times we have felt angry, disappointed, and confused.
But the truth is that choosing to trust in God ‘even if not…’ is really not as hard a choice as you might think. In fact, it’s really not much of a choice at all. Because what’s the alternative?
Whenever you come face to face with loss or suffering of any kind, as a person of faith there really are only two options ahead of you: Either you allow your pain to propel you towards God, or you let it push you away from Him. And either you find a way to keep putting your hope in God as you grieve, or you choose to grieve with no hope at all.
That’s why we have landed where we have. It’s not brave, it’s not strong, and it’s not particularly remarkable either. No one wants to face suffering, but when it comes, trusting God through your pain is the least bad option ahead of you.
Besides, just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we already made a decision to put our trust in God many years ago. So why would we turn back now? Where else would we go with our pain? Or to what else would we turn?
Is there any better place of comfort for today, any better promise of our healing for tomorrow, or any firmer hope for our future than in Him – a hope that even extends beyond the grave?
Right now, I still believe that God is able to give us the family that we hope for… but even if He doesn’t, may I always be able to say ‘Even if not’.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Anna Kettle
Featured Image by Ashton Mullins on Unsplash
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