Before I walked out the door I asked the Lord for revelation in His word, and I knew He would not disappoint. The Lord knew I was ready to understand something I could not understand before this day.
Wrestling with God
That was the sermon in church this day.
I wrestled with God for almost 3 months.
This “woman of great faith” had her faith shipwrecked.
Back in April of 2023, I had a pretty traumatic experience. I spiraled. I rarely left my bed unless I was working. I struggled my way through it and then went right back into bed.
Why did God allow this to happen? It doesn’t really matter the details other than to say…
It was the single worst experience of my life.
Why?
How?
I did what God said to do and THIS was the outcome?
Why?!
I had no praise in me.
No worship.
No desire to be in His word.
I had only one prayer….
“I can’t hold onto you, so please hold onto me.”
For three months I lay in darkness.
Full-blown anxiety attacks.
Nightmares.
Anger.
At times, the inability to breathe.
I would lay in my bed most days, tears burning my face…wrestling with God.
But I wasn’t the first to wrestle with God.
Genesis 32:22-32
22 And he arose that night and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven sons, and crossed over the ford of Jabbok. 23 He took them, sent them [a]over the brook, and sent over what he had. 24 Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the [b]breaking of day. 25 Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He [c]touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. 26 And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks.”
But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!”
27 So He said to him, “What is your name?”
He said, “Jacob.”
28 And He said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but [d]Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.”
29 Then Jacob asked, saying, “Tell me Your name, I pray.”
And He said, “Why is it that you ask about My name?” And He blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the name of the place [e]Peniel: “For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.” 31 Just as he crossed over [f]Penuel the sun rose on him, and he limped on his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the children of Israel do not eat the muscle that shrank, which is on the hip socket, because He [g]touched the socket of Jacob’s hip in the muscle that shrank.
Jacob was left alone.
God got me alone.
Jacob wrestled with the Lord.
I wrestled with the Lord.
Jacob held onto the Lord.
The Lord held onto me.
The Lord could have crushed Jacob with one touch, but He didn’t. He knew Jacob had some things that needed to be worked out.
I had some things that needed to be worked out.
Is God still good in the midst of darkness?
Is God still good when I can’t understand?
Is God still good when the world seems like it’s going to swallow me whole?
Is God still good?
And the answer is…
YES
In His great love, and mercy Jesus didn’t allow me to die under the weight of my disappointment.
He didn’t allow me to drown in the darkness.
He didn’t allow the anxiety to overtake me.
He blessed me.
Today I see God in the crushing. I know He will hold me when it all comes crashing down. I know when I can’t breathe, He will be my very breath. I see all that He saved me from.
In the midst of chaos, He kept my mind, and when I stopped fighting Him…
He restored my peace.
Walking with Jesus isn’t the absence of conflict, disappointment, hurt, and even chaos.
Walking with Jesus is Him walking you through it, and then being grateful for the limp.
I never thought my faith could be shaken.
Never in a million years.
I was a woman of great faith after all!
Until I wasn’t.
I now have far greater empathy for those who walk through the shaking.
I know how to minister to their heart.
I know when to be quiet.
I know when to speak.
I know when they need me to pray silently in the background.
I know when they just need to weep.
Empathy can’t be fully understood unless you have walked through the darkness.
The gift of empathy…
That was the blessing.
*limps away….
To learn more about Heidi and her Kingdom passion, visit Kingdom Come Home
Featured Image by Molly Blackbird on Unsplash
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