I hear a lot about Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages and I believe this book is very helpful. But Dr. Chapman (along with co-author, Jennifer Thomas) also wrote The Five Languages of Apology and understanding these five are equally as practical and necessary, yet they often overlooked.
Gary Chapman’s 5 Apology Languages:
- Language #1: Expressing Regret or “I am sorry.”
- Language #2: Accepting Responsibility or “I was wrong.”
- Language #3: Making Restitution or “What can I do to make it right?”
- Language #4: Genuinely Repenting or “I’ll try not to do that again.”
- Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness or “Will you please forgive me?”
When I’m hurt, it’s as if a huge chasm develops between me and my husband. So what my husband says to me in his apology is very important to bridge the divide. It helps me to drop my guard and gives me the desire to move closer to him once again.
My husband can get angry very quickly, but he’s also very quick to apologize. His emotional responses move at lightning speed compared to mine—being slower to get angry and, unfortunately, slower to apologize. So when my hubby apologizes I’m always wondering if he’s really sincere because it seems impossible for me to “get there”—to jump that chasm—as fast as he has. I need specific words or actions that remove my doubts.
You probably have a preference for what you need to hear in order to move more quickly toward embracing your spouse’s apology as well.
Additional questions to help clarify what your language is:
- What do I expect the person to do or say?
- What hurts most deeply about this situation? (What do you want to receive from your offender?)
- What language is most important when I apologize?
You might want to hear more than one of the Apology Languages to feel satisfied. I know, I do. I appreciate hearing Language #2 “Expressing Regret” and Language #3 “Making Restitution” when someone, especially my spouse, apologizes.
If you are able to express and hear the appropriate apology language being spoken, you and your spouse will more quickly move toward healing your wounds and regaining emotional closeness—bridging that gap caused by the offense. Consider getting the book and discussing this important aspect of good communication with your spouse today!
He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Proverbs 28:13
What about you? Which of the languages do you feel you most need to hear?
What makes that language important to you?
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Worthy Bible Studies
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