Several years ago I met with a woman who told me, “Becky, I’m so lonely. Why can’t I find a church that has the kind of groups I am looking for?” Long after I met and prayed with this woman, I thought about her question. The answer isn’t simple, that’s for sure. Churches are trying the best they know how to provide safe communities for people. But the problem of loneliness goes way deeper. I’ve wrestled and researched how to best answer the question of loneliness in the past few years.
Just this past week though, as I was reading in the Old Testament book of Proverbs, I was once again reminded that all through the scriptures there are keys to help us live more connected lives. But here’s the thing, we have to put a bit of effort into how we show up as friends if we want to live deeply connected lives.
The question begs to be asked, How do you want to show up?
How do you want to show up in your family?
How do you want to show up in your church?
How do you want to show up with your friends?
How do you want to show up with your neighbors?
I often pause and ask myself that question. I might ask myself before Sunday dinner with my kids. Or I might ask myself on the way to lunch with a friend. Or I might ask myself when I’m going to walk into a room to speak and meet lots of new people. I’ve learned through the years that it is a great question to ask in the privacy of my heart, under the direction of the Holy Spirit.
If we’re going to live the relationally rich, deeply connected lives that we desire, here are a few great ways to show up.
Show up as a listener. There are two types of people who enter rooms. One shows up saying, “Here I am” and the other shows up saying, “There you are”. Those who have trained themselves to be good listeners will always have good friends because their stance speaks, “I want to know you. I want to hear your story.” The wise writer of Proverbs wrote, “To answer before listening – that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). The next time you enter a room, meeting, or coffee with a friend, rather than planning what you will say, give attention to how you will listen. Invite others to share their thoughts and give them your undivided attention.
Show up loyal. Loyalty is a forgotten quality in our culture. People offer their resignation at work after only being employed for a few weeks. At the first sign of trouble in a marriage, spouses opt-out. When friends have a strong disagreement, rather than working it through, they leave the friendship. But this tendency to ditch and opt-out is leaving us lonelier than ever. Solomon wrote, “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). Every relationship will disappoint at times. But if you want to enjoy a relationally rich life, you will put the effort into cultivating loyalty.
Show up gracious. We are a sensitive people who get easily offended. But scripture teaches us, “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9). May I gently ask you, who has offended you recently? A friend? Your spouse? A coworker? Your adult child? How do you want to show up? Those who are gracious and able to overlook an offense will always have close relationships.
Friend, we are living in a time where loneliness is at an all-time high. Why not try showing up this week as a listener, as one who is loyal, and as one who is gracious and forgiving? And if you want more practical tips on how to connect more effectively, pick up a copy of Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World.
