*Trigger warning. Some of the following content may be triggering to survivors of abuse.*
For the first, oh probably twelve years of my healing journey, I had no idea there was anyone else who had all these crazy images, flashbacks, and body memories. I didn’t believe myself for that matter – that any of what was surfacing was real.
When you are in the middle of walking through hell and back, you are just trying to make it to the next day.
One thing I’ve realized though as time has gone on and many others have shared their stories is that I’m not an anomaly. Sadly, there are many, many others who have survived the horrors of satanic ritual abuse, and even more sadly, probably two-thirds of the “overcomers” I know were abused in or around ”the church”.
This presents an even more complicated dilemma, a twisted, defiled mess that the enemy of our souls delights in. In fact, he specializes in perverting everything that has anything to do with God. That is why common acts done in rituals are a complete mockery of the things of the Lord.
One example would be what I call ”unholy communion”. The real Lord Jesus set up communion as a way of remembering His precious sacrifice of love given to us: the breaking of bread to symbolize His body broken for us for our healing; the cup of wine or juice to represent His life-blood being spilled out for our redemption, providing the forgiveness of our sins. Yet, in satanic rituals, ”unholy communion” is taken as defilement and perversion of the real thing. What was meant to bring life, in the perverted form now brings death. Animal or human blood and flesh replace the elements of bread and wine. Instead of coming into a holy covenant with True Lord Jesus, it becomes an evil blood covenant with Satan.
If you’ve read my book, then you may remember me describing how difficult it was to even discern the True Lord Jesus in memories. The reason for that is because in ritualistic abuse oftentimes during rituals someone will be dressed up as ”Jesus” or ”God”, and that person will proceed to in many cases rape victims and lead in performing rituals.
As a result, in the ministry times, when I would ask Jesus to come, I would see images of Jesus raping me or abusing me. At the time, I would feel terror and be mortified at the images I was experiencing. I didn’t know that this is a common occurrence for satanic ritual abuse survivors – very common.
In sessions like this, which actually were very often, the prayer leader would take authority over the “false Jesus”, and ask the ”True Lord Jesus of Nazareth” to come forward. My most dramatic experience of that happening was the time I suddenly and unexpectedly saw the real Jesus push the man impersonating Him to the side. He appeared as bright light, but immediately knelt down at my eye level, the eye level of a child, extending the palms of His hands face up in a vulnerable stance, as He gently said, ”My love doesn’t rape. My love never demands you to be the sacrifice. My love sacrifices for you.” At that moment, He extended His hands closer. “See the wounds in my hands and feet. When you see these, you will know that it is really me.”
As I’ve told that story to others, they have confirmed that Jesus has done similar things with them. Sometimes, I’ve wondered if that’s why He left them there – the mark of His love for us – to prove He is the real one because He knew there would be counterfeits.
I would love to be able to tell you that I only see Jesus as good and loving now and see my Father God as a good Papa always, but sometimes, I still struggle.
Lately, I’ve had Jesus tell me of a new layer that needs His touch. It has been daunting to consider what He’s said. It hurts and feels like a dark, sucking life kind of place, but I’ve learned the nature of the real Jesus, that if He says there is a place He needs to take me to or a hurt He needs to touch, it’s not to cause me more pain, though it does hurt sometimes. It is to heal it, so it won’t continue to cause me pain.
Several days ago, as I felt overwhelmed about what He desires to do, I believe the Lord spoke this to my heart. This is not a theological statement here, so bear with me, but I think this may help someone else.
He said, ”Daughter, I was trafficked too.” Time felt like it stopped for a minute.
“How can that be, Lord?” The thought disturbed me, as tears gathered in my eyes.
“I was sold by one of my closest friends to be utterly abused, shamed, and desecrated in every way by Romans.” He paused. ”I allowed myself to be satanically, ritually abused by them, ultimately being hung on a cross naked, tortured to death. I understand in every way the torture my children have endured. But not only for one, but for all. I took the full punishment of it all.”
I had heard before that commonly the Roman soldiers would rape their victims as part of the torture, but I had never seen it in the perspective that the perfect Son of God was ”sold” to be satanically ritually abused, and then in that place willingly lay down His life so that I and others could one day be free. That is true love.
If you ever struggle with knowing the true Lord Jesus or His intentions towards you, then understand this – His love gives. It doesn’t take. He stoops down to love us first. His love sacrifices for us. His love washes dirty, stinky feet, even the feet of the one who would “sell” Him. His love is patient, kind, good, long-suffering, always seeking our good, always lifting us up, full of grace, mercy, believing the best about us. His love won’t fail us – even when we find ourselves walking through the valley of the shadow of death. He will guide, protect, and help us, even carrying us in His loving arms if He needs to.
The evil one will continue to try to pervert, twist, and defile anything that is of the true God. It’s what he does. He will use people who allow him to do so, even pastors, even deacons, even fathers and mothers. Many times these kinds of abuse are perpetuated through family lines. But it can stop with us. We can choose to turn a deaf ear to the enemy’s lies and fix our eyes on the true Lord Jesus, the lover of our soul, who gave it all so that we can be Sons and Daughters of God. I pray we all have the courage to receive such great love of our true Lord and step into all He has created for us to be. He created us to be loved and to love others.
Let the real Jesus step forward.
Featured Image by Henryk Niestrój from Pixabay
