Why I’m Not a Miscarriage “Survivor”

I can battle through the toughest of challenges and still find a way to hold onto hope and grow in my faith.

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Okay, for anyone who isn’t already familiar with my story, technically I am a ‘miscarriage survivor’. After all, I have experienced not just one, but three consecutive pregnancy losses over the past couple of years, following the birth of my first (and only) living son Ben who is now five and a half.

Experiencing three or more miscarriages in a row is termed as ‘recurrent miscarriage’ and it’s a condition that affects less than 1% of women. What’s more, despite endless screenings and medical tests the cause of my recurrent miscarriage remains ‘unexplained’, which means that there’s no clear road map for treatment or cure ahead.

So having lived with the slow creeping grief of unexplained recurrent miscarriage for almost three years now, I more than qualify for the label of ‘miscarriage survivor’… except that I have begun to really hate this term.

 

Why I hate this term

I know that the term ‘miscarriage survivor’ is well-meaning and fairly commonly used in infertility circles, but there are several reasons why I don’t like using it.

Firstly, I think it’s an ill-fitting phrase because I am not a ‘survivor’. I didn’t overcome a life-threatening illness like cancer, heart failure, or stroke. I lost a baby in utero (well, three in fact). And in that sense, miscarriage really isn’t about survival at all. It’s about accepting death and working through grief.

But secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I don’t like using the term because I don’t want to be defined by what I have lost, or even what I have emotionally journeyed through and ‘survived’. You see, I’d much rather be defined by what I have ‘overcome’.

 

Facing hard things

I recently finished reading ‘Untamed’ by Glennon Doyle, and my biggest takeaway from her book was this: Life can be really hard sometimes, but I am capable of doing hard things.

I am capable of doing hard things”- Glennon Doyle

I already knew this at some level of course, long before I read this book. We are all capable of doing hard things – and many of us frequently do. Human resilience is an incredible thing.

But hard things also mark you too and leave you permanently changed. So today the world around me feels less sure than I was ever taught to expect, and the ground beneath my feet less firm. My body feels more broken than I ever imagined, and my human disposition feels more real. And any spiritual certainty that I once held to firmly, also now feels much less formulaic and sure.

 

How I am left changed

But although this hasn’t been an easy part of my journey, one positive take away I have is that I am also stronger and braver for walking through it.

I now know that I can walk through the hardest of heartbreaks, and although it might hurt for a time, I won’t be consumed by the sadness. I will learn to laugh again.

I can have my dreams shattered not just once but again and again, and although I will feel disappointed for a while, I won’t be broken beyond repair. I will dare to dream again.

I can face endless uncertainty and exist in a state of emotional limbo, not just for months but for years and years, and although it feels uncomfortable, I won’t be completely unanchored by it. I will practice gratitude for today.

I can sit with others in the midst of their pain, and even when their suffering lingers, know that I don’t need to fix it or have all the answers. I have learned to listen and relate.

And most of all, now I know that I can face my very worst fears, and even stare death in the face more than once, and yet it won’t kill me. I know that death doesn’t get the final say.

I can battle through the toughest of challenges and still find a way to hold onto hope and grow in my faith.

I had always hoped that these things were true about me, but now I know it for sure. Life is hard, but I can do hard things. I am stronger and braver than I ever dared to imagine.

 

Not a survivor, but a warrior

As Andy and I approach the end of our fertility journey this autumn, I remain painfully aware that life can sometimes it can throw you the most unexpected curve balls. Bad things do actually happen to good people, over and over again. And it seems so damn unfair.

But as humans, I think we each have an incredible capacity hard-wired into us for doing hard things. And not for just surviving life’s knocks, but actually being changed and reshaped by them, becoming braver and more resilient for them.

This is why I am challenged not to talk about myself or any other woman as a ‘miscarriage survivor’ anymore, because I am not just a survivor; I am a warrior.

I have battled recurrent miscarriage for almost three years, and have not been defeated by it.

It may well have defeated my body, but I am not a victim because I am not passive in the face of my suffering. I didn’t choose unexplained miscarriage to rob me of my plans to grow a family, but I do get to choose what I do with that experience now.

So whether or not we ever get our rainbow baby, I know that I have already fought the hardest battle – which is the one inside of myself – and have won. And I will continue to fight alongside others who walk this same path of brokenness too.

Life can be really hard, but we are all capable of doing hard things.

 

 

 

This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Anna Kettle

Featured Image by Ashley Walker on Unsplash

 

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About the Author

Anna Kettle is a christian writer & blogger. Her first published book, ‘Sand Between Your Toes: Inspirations for a Slower, Simpler, More Soulful Life’ releases in Spring 2021 under Tyndale House, and is available for pre-order now. You can also find her regularly blogging at www.annakettle.com Anna is a coffee lover, bookworm, travel enthusiast, live music fan, a keen foodie, a gatherer of people, and a big believer in the healing power of words. She is married to husband Andy, and mum to their son Ben (aged 5). They live in the beautiful waterfront city of Liverpool, England. You can follow Anna on Facebook or Instagram at @annakettlewrites