It was past midnight as I starred at the ceiling in our bedroom. Just hours before I was exhausted but when the time finally came for bed I couldn’t sleep.
My mind raced from conversations I had earlier that day, disappointing news I received and horrifying updates of COVID-19. Fear was lurking in every corner of my heart keeping me awake.
But I knew it was more than just fear that was keeping my eyes from closing. It was the same feeling I felt nine years ago shortly after I lost our baby in a traumatic way.
The feeling that was present weeks after my miscarriage and now just a few days ago was anger. I was mad at the situation and, if I’m being completely honest, I was mad that God didn’t intervene.
I’m embarrassed to admit it but I was giving God the cold shoulder in my heart.
When we go through challenging seasons in life it is normal to question many things, including God. I often feel sorry for God, not that He needs my sympathy because He gets blamed for things that do not have his fingerprint on them. Can you imagine if someone accused you of murder for something you had no part in bringing to pass? I think God faces that kind of judgment from mankind daily.
When I made the connection that this anger was similar to what I experienced nine years ago, God reminded me to deal with it the same today as I did then.
When I felt this same resistance to God after the loss of our child, I had to make a hard decision to open up my heart to him again.
I decided to start talking to God again and I admitted how I was feeling. I told him how mad I was that He allowed it to happen and asked Him where He was through it all.
God does what He always does with me: he listened quietly while I vented my feelings and frustrations. When I was done speaking, He gently replied, “Rachael, I was not in that loss. I never planned for your baby to be taken before his time. Would you like me to redeem it for you?” I melted into a puddle at His feet and said, “yes, please.”.
The next year our only son was born ten days “late” on my birthday. While his presence does not take away the pain I felt of losing a child, our son servers as a reminder that my God is a redeemer and restorer of all things.
As I went for a run a few days ago, God impressed on my spirit to share this simple yet powerful truth with you today. He wants to hear from you and He really wants to redeem what the enemy has stolen.
What have you lost in this Coronvirus pandemic? A job? A business? A relationship? Or worse…a loved one?
While the pain is real and can never be replaced, I believe God wants to restore and redeem every single thing we’ve lost in this time. Just ask him.
It is OK to feel fear, anger, doubt, worry, and other emotions that rise up. But instead of processing them alone, lay them at the feet of Jesus. Tell God how you really feel. He already knows and He cares for you.
God sees you, my friends. Lean into him. He is waiting to listen and restore.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10