Uncertain but Hopeful: The Emotional In-Betweens of Early Pregnancy

It comes in waves. Numb now but bursting with tears soon. It’s been like the ebb and flow of the tide lately. Hope. Grief. Hope. Grief. Maybe. Maybe not.

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I truly don’t even know how to begin. My heart is pretty broken.

I am pretty broken.

Miscarriage is usually talked about after the fact. Once the final verdict is in. But for all the moms out there who experience early first-trimester miscarriage, you know the struggle. The back and forth. The testing and retesting to see if hormones are still there. The emotional ups and downsand mostly downsthat this experience can be. The questioning what you’ve eaten the past few days. Your level of stress and physical exertion. Did I cause this? Could I have prevented this and not known? It’s really easy to beat yourself up about the unknown.

Sometimes miscarrying happens quickly, and sometimes it’s a three-to-four-day journey where you hit your knees before the Lord, pleading and begging. You let your tears stain your shirt and don’t care to wipe them. Why bother? Only more will come to take their place.

This is the third time I’ve been in this no-mans-land, this wilderness where you don’t know which way is up, and I am hoping beyond all hope that this little bean stays. I’ve heard so many stories of women who felt like they were losing their babies and then birthed healthy newborns eight months later. I think to myself, maybe that will be methis time.

Loss and grief are one thing, but trying to maintain hope in the face of possible loss–how do we do that? Especially when emotions are heavy and the not knowing is weighing down on you. Honestly, I don’t know, but I think I am learning.

As I sit here typing, there may be a wee tiny baby bursting with life inside me or there may be the remnants of what could have been life. It’s hard to say. The in-between is the hardest place to feel certain.

There are some things I am certain of, and when I pray, I remind God that my heart still knows He is good. Baby or no baby, God is kind. Pregnant or not, He is faithful. My circumstances do not define His posture of love toward me. His eyes are always on me, watching me with the most tender gaze. My pain is not unknown to Him. My inability to steady my emotions is not news to His ears. He is with me in the “I don’t know.”

I cannot say that I am at peace, although I am not anxious. It could possibly be peace, but it feels an awful lot like numbness. It comes in waves. Numb now but bursting with tears soon. It’s been like the ebb and flow of the tide lately. Hope. Grief. Hope. Grief. Maybe. Maybe not.

For those of you who are lost a little bit, I won’t go into too much detail, but bleeding in early pregnancy is not necessarily a sign that you’ve lost your baby. A good 20% to 30% of women experience first trimester bleeding. So it’s hard to know if you’re in that window or not. Only time will tell.

I cannot change what I cannot change. It seems obvious to say that, but knowing it helps to calm my heart. It’s a releasing of expectations. It’s a surrendering of my hopes and dreams to the King. In His arms is safety. He knows my heart’s desire, and He will be my loving Father through whatever happens over the next few days and weeks. I am blessed to know that His character is unchanging. He truly is the most faithful Father to us. Through good and bad He is there. He will never leave us or forsake us. I think it is my most favorite thing about Him. Unwavering devotion to His children. Such a good Daddy!



I trust in your goodness and in your heart for me. I believe that You want what’s good for me. I give you this little bean and trust that You will be faithful to him or her. I pray you keep them here with me. That I can love them and hold them and sing them to sleep. I ask that You give my body exactly what it needs to hold this pregnancy and sustain a new life. May you bless this vessel with prosperity and life. You are the Maker of all things, including what’s going on inside my body, and I believe in Your nature to heal and give life. I ask for that life. I ask for that healing. I ask all these things in the name and power of Jesus Christ. Amen.


In times where we are uncertain, and the not-knowing can crush uswe must remember to run to Abba. Psalm 91:4 says, “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings, you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” His wings are large enough for us all. They will shelter us. They will shield us. He is the safest place, and in His presence, we can know the fullness of His love no matter our circumstances.


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About the Author

Dawn King is a Carolina native with a Neverland heart. She's an Enneagram 4 that believes beauty can be found even in the darkest of places, light is always bright enough to outshine darkness, and love is stronger than any madness or evil. She values kindness and honesty more than most anything else. She will always believe that to change the world you must first change yourself.