Truth is, I have no clue what I am doing.
What I do know is that I am doing my best. I am doing my best to be a decent mother, a loving wife, an honorable daughter, a reliable friend, and everything else in between. Juggling the different expectations of who people needed or wanted me to be became exhausting. Before finding the adequate adjectives of all the roles I play in my life, I was doing my best to live up to the standard to be “good”.
A good mom. A good wife. A good daughter. A good friend.
The word was filling my thoughts and journals so much that it started to not even look or sound like a word anymore.
Truth is, I am not and cannot be good, for only God is good.
No one is good — except God alone.” Mark 10:18, NIV
For years, I believed the lie that many of us believe: that we can be good. That it is possible to achieve and obtain good, here on earth, with earthly things. I thought I found a good and decent job… many, if I’m honest… but that good job, with good pay, still left me feeling empty.
The moments where I think I am doing good seem to precede silence, with depression not far behind. I would be at what looked like the top of my game, but the truth was I was the lowest I had ever been. Before becoming a Christian, this looked like making a ton of money, traveling as often as possible with what little money I did have, smoking weed and drinking excessively, and sleeping with many different people.
Now, as someone who gave their life to Christ, the top of my game looked a little different. I was reading my Bible, going to church, serving in church, going to small group, praying to God, and then falling flat on my face. While good can come out of these things, numbness was all I felt.
I do not believe there is no good in this world. That is not the point I am trying to make here. I do believe that there is good inside of each and every one of us. And that good that is inside you is a gift from God.
I do believe that where we do see good, we can also see God. I believe that His goodness and the goodness of His Kingdom are right in front of our eyes, hidden in plain sight.
Jesus Christ is our example. It’s His life we want to model, right? But what is not emphasized enough is that we cannot live up to the life of Christ. It is impossible. Being a good Christian is not the goal, nor is it the Gospel, but it can often become the gospel we hear.
The Gospel is the good news that no matter who you are, what you do, or what you have done, God loves you. He loves you now. He loved you then. He loved you when others did not, yourself included. He loves you right now, whether you even believe in Him, let alone love Him. He will still love you tomorrow and every single day after, regardless of what you do in your life. He loves you.
Where you think you fall short, you do. I do. We all do.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38–39, NIV
That is the point. The love of God is not something you can obtain by works or good deeds. It is just there. In the lowest valley, there is love. In the dirtiest city, there is love. In the most broken life, there is love. His love is not something that can be escaped or separated, regardless of any circumstance.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?” Psalm 139:7, NIV
Truth is, we are running a long and tiring race, with the “good life” being the finish line. The desires we may be chasing after are things that are draining us; they are the weights on our ankles preventing us from running full speed. We are not running free. Even the ones who believe in the freedom Christ gave freely to us, when He died on that cross, we too find ourselves running the race.
Truth is, it is not easy. After we commit ourselves to Jesus, this world and everything in it does not simply go away. We start to fix our eyes on things other than Jesus. We may be on a walk with Christ, but as soon as we see that shiny thing in the store, we tie Him to a pole outside and tell Him to wait there.
I have done this.
I have tried to leash Jesus and drag Him into places He has told me not to go. I have forgotten that I am the sheep and He is the Shepherd. I forgot Who called me. I forgot why I was called.
While life after salvation may still have its challenges, and we may still wander into stores we maybe shouldn’t, and we may strap those ankle weights back on, Jesus is still there.
Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11:28, NIV
Believers and non-believers alike, this is all we can do when we rechain ourselves to the cuffs of worldly lives. The hardest, yet easiest thing in the world to do is to turn to the Lord.
For as long as we are on this earth, this will be the reality. We will have to continue to lay our lives down and make room for the Lord to do His work in our lives. Not just once, not twice, but many, many times.
This is nothing to be ashamed of. This is the battle that each and every one of us faces, believer or non-believer. Some may try and present themselves otherwise, but it is a lie. The battle, though already won, is still happening here on earth; here in our minds and hearts. The enemy is still deceitful, still lying, and still preying.
The finish line, the destination we are all trying to make it to, is to be in that perfect place, and that perfect place is not here; it is with the Father.
This is the truth that I discovered only about a year and a half ago. It is this truth that has set me free from the shame and guilt of a life I once lived. It is this truth that the Holy Spirit has spoken into my life and shown me the good gifts of God. It is the truth that we all need a Savior. There is no religion or denomination that will save you; it is Christ alone.
This is the truth. It is this truth that must be told.
It is this truth that I will dedicate my life to tell… with burning passion.
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