One of the best biblical stories of friendship can be found in 1 Samuel 18-19.
It is the friendship between King Saul’s son Jonathan and David.
Their connection is so strong, that they make a covenant with each other.
This friendship is one that is referred to as a virtuous friendship.
Jonathan’s Covenant with David
18 When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was bound to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 2 Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. 3 Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as his own soul. 4 Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that he was wearing, and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt. 5 David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him; as a result, Saul set him over the army. And all the people, even the servants of Saul, approved.
According to Aristotle, there are three types of friends—but only one that actually adds real value to our lives.
Sometime around 350 B.C., the Greek philosopher named these three types of friendships: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and friendships of the good or virtuous
The first type, utility, encompasses those people who are convenient to our lives. Think of the friend who signs up for the same yoga class as you and assists you in warrior pose. Or, maybe these are the people that you just work with during the day.
Pleasure-based friendships help you stay light-hearted. You meet up with them on Friday nights for a drink or casual gossip—but things are never about anything serious. These are usually people we just hang out with to have some fun. These friendships tend to be short-lived.
Finally, we have the ultimate goal: the friendships of the good or virtuous. This is the friendship David and Jonathan had. These types of friendships only come along a few times in the course of our lifespan. These friends embody a quote from Emily Brontë: “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
These people are able to talk about everything from the small details of life to the deepest depths of our souls. We share the same dreams, and we are bound to them because we share the same common goal. We are both captivated by something that is way bigger than ourselves.
“In a friendship of the good/ virtuous, we value who that friend actually is, strengths and weaknesses alike, and there is sufficient trust between the two that the relationship’s quality and depth outshine those of other types of friendship,” writes Suzanne Degges-White, PhD
This kind of friendship recognizes that God has great plans for each person. There is no room for jealousy or envy.
Friendships of virtue take time and trust to build. They depend on mutual growth.
Rather than being short-lived, such relationships endure over time, and there’s generally a base level of goodness required in each person for it to exist in the first place. People who lack empathy and the ability to care for others seldom develop these kinds of relationships. Their preference tends toward pleasure or utility. Furthermore, friendships of virtue take time and trust to build. They depend on mutual growth. They depend on God.
We’re much more likely to connect at this level with someone when we’ve seen them at their worst and watched them grow — or if we’ve endured mutual hardship with them. This is why people who go through a traumatic event together become very bonded.
Beyond this depth and intimacy, the beauty of these relationships is in how they include the rewards of the other two types. They are beneficial and pleasurable.
When we respect people and care for them, we gain joy from spending time with them. If they’re a good enough person to warrant such a relationship, to begin with, there’s utility there as well.
These virtuous friends help maintain our mental and emotional health. These people are the ones you can call when you are at your worst.
These relationships also require time and intention, but when they blossom, they do so with trust, admiration, and love.
They bring with them some of the sweeter joys that God has to offer us here in this life.
This is something to give praise over.
There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.”
– St. Thomas Aquinas
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Holy Beautiful Life
Featured Image by Shane Rounce on Unsplash
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