“Why is this still bothering me?” “Why can’t I just get over this?” I’ve beat myself up many times with these words, complaining to the Lord about it.
I’ve heard the same frustration from many survivors of abuse, but especially Satanic Ritual Abuse Survivors.
Sometimes, it feels as soon as the door slams shut on one level of abuse that you have overcome with the Lord, here comes another one.
In recent months, I’ve felt the pull into another season of my own inner healing, and so, a bit reluctantly, I’ve obeyed. Many times the “Surely, there is nothing else to deal with,” pops in my head, as the Lord puts His finger on another yet area of my heart.
As the Lord opens the places in my heart, I realize there are more things from my past that simply aren’t all the way healed yet, and many times that is why I’m still struggling in an area, though I am reminded I also have an enemy will take advantage of my weakness and play on past fear. Yet, when the Lord says, “Come, let me show you something,” I’ve learned the best thing to do is yield to His leading.
Some things have still been hard to take in, but this time, I do have the sense of I know who I am in Christ Jesus. As more pieces fall into place, it becomes an “Ah-ha!” moment of “Oh, that’s how fits,” or “Oh, that makes so much more sense now why that has still bothered me.”
Many times I have conversed with the Lord Jesus about the fact that it seems to take so long for SRA Survivors, “Overcomers”, to be healed and at peace.
I was asking the Lord, “Why?” again.
I mean He can and does heal things instantly and completely. Yet, I’ve not met an SRA Survivor, especially one who had it happen in childhood, experience the instant healing. Not to say there may be one out there.
Some well-meaning people have told me that a process to healing, especially a long process to healing is unbiblical, that Jesus always heals instantly. SO, basically they have told me that my entire healing experience with the Lord Jesus is invalid. I simply have to just shake my head. There are whole church doctrines on this subject, and they all seem to lack compassion and understanding. I’ve also been told that inner healing counseling is just Christianized psychology or even occult. Again, I shake my head in sadness, for I know how much healing my Lord has brought through several methods of inner healing to me and to others.
Normally, after having one of those condemning conversations with some well-intending person, I go back to the Lord with the questions of “Well, why haven’t you healed me as you did in the Bible? You know Lord, the instant, put my mind and heart all back together in a second way? Why have we gone the fifteen-year way instead?” Oh, He’s heard those questions quite a bit, but He’s always patient in answering me.
The last time I asked Him, He gently showed me some pictures, as He began to speak. I’m so grateful that He is gracious with me, abounding in love, and speaks in ways I can understand.
Here’s what He showed me. I’m sharing this with you because I hope that it will help with understanding, and also that you hear Him speaking to you about your own healing journey wherever you may be on it.
Normally, people who experience trauma or brokenness, which we all do, by the way, have something that they experience that is negatives, causing a negative response. Many times the response is through the nervous system and learned by that system as a first-time response. This is not thought-based, but like knee jerk reaction, as I call it.
Like if someone comes up behind me and scares me, I don’t think, “Oh, I’m scared. I think I’ll throw a punch.” I just automatically go into fight mode and throw the punch. My family has learned, “Don’t sneak up on mom.”
Let’s say there is a snake in the path as a father and son are walking through the woods. The father gently points out the snake to the son and says “That’s a snake, son. Now, you need to be cautious around snakes.” The father shows the son what to look for in a poisonous snake, takes a stick, and then gently moves the snake from the path so they can pass. This is the healthy way the boy learns about snakes, and so when he is older, maybe he has a little bit of anxiety because he knows there could be danger, but he also knows how to confidently handle it.
Second example, (This would be like a trauma survivor.), the father and son are walking through the woods and a snake crosses their path. The father begins screaming at the son to get away from the snake, that the snake is dangerous. He grabs the boy, picks him up, and runs in the other direction. Now, as the boy grows up, he has a traumatic experience that he automatically is terrified of snakes. His heart races if he sees a picture of a snake. Maybe the man goes through some counseling where he learns to modify his behavior, but in the better scenario, the Lord heals him pretty quickly by dealing with the lies implanted at that memory with his dad.
Third case, (This would be like an incest/rape survivor or satanic ritual survivor, where the abuse is repetitive.), a father and a son are walking down a path that leads to a pit of snakes. The father grabs the son and intentionally/methodically holds his son over the pit of snakes and lets them bite him, just enough that the boy is absolutely terrified, but survives the bites. The father knows they are on a part of the foot that no one will see. He tells the boy if he ever tells anyone about the snakes, he will let the snakes kill him next time or that his mom whom he loves will be next. Now the boy is trained to be terrified of his father and to do whatever his father tells him to do without question.
This same situation happens every time the father takes the boy down the path, so there are layers of traumatic abuse, so much so that the boy’s mind can’t handle it and the boy creates little child parts to hold the trauma of what happened so that he can function in daily life, without sharing the secret. If he sees anything that resembles a snake, a path, or his father as an adult, he goes into complete fight or flight, or shut down mode, and has no idea why.
I’d like to say here, that in almost every case I’ve ever heard, it has been a father, mother, or close relative who has been the primary abuser in SRA abuse. It’s almost always someone who should be trusted by the child.
There is one last level, and unfortunately, the longer I go through my own journey and hear other’s stories, this last is coming becoming more common than you would probably believe.
The father and son repetitively walk through the woods to a cabin, where they are met by the father’s friends who not only have tanks of snakes, they have other people that they are forcing into the tank for the snakes to bite and kill.
The boy is tied, gagged, and forced to watch. Then, they also take snakes that will not kill the boy and repetitively force the boy into a separate tank, where the boy will be bitten, but not to the point of death.
They study the boy to see how far they can go with it, keeping track of the parts of his mind they create, and the responses they get. They record the triggers they use, and the method of programming. They make the boy think he is also an abuser, by forcing him to tie up someone else to force them into the tank.
The boy’s mind is completely disassociated at this point, and he can’t even remember as an adult ever walking down the path. Yet, if he is ever walking a path through the woods, hears a rustling in the woods, he either goes into fight or flight and or shut down mode. Many other things in his life are also falling apart emotionally as he gets older. He’s not necessarily thinking anything bad. He may have a high-paying job and successful in every other way, yet if he sees a cabin, hears another fatherly voice, etc., he feels he is going crazy, off the deep end. He has a hard time functioning with normal daily activities, and fears he may hurt someone.
I’m including this dialog with the Lord so that hopefully it will speak to you as well, as it wasn’t just for me.
After showing and explaining this to me, the Lord Jesus very gently said, “Sweetheart, all of this is trauma at different levels. Most people either experience the first or the second one, which I can heal quickly and easily if they will let me.”
“I still heal every time I encounter my children, even though it may not seem like anything is really happening. In the last two cases, there is just much more damage to heal, and it takes time. It takes time for you to trust me, as trust has been completely stripped in every way. It takes time for your mind, nervous system, emotions, body, and spirit to heal, and there are many levels for that to happen on.”
“I could instantly show you everything at once, and deal with it, but it would so overwhelm you, that it would break you further, possibly beyond repair.”
“So, I am faithful to heal, again and again and again. To build relationship, again and again and again. To build trust again and again and again.”
“This is why it feels long and slow, but it is the needed way, so don’t be discouraged. Don’t be frustrated with yourself. You are healing and experiencing little miracles every time I meet you, every time you bring to me the next part, or I show you the next place that needs to be healed. Be patient with yourself, for I am patient with you.”
I hope this helps those of you who are survivors out there to let go of the pressure to push through, to love yourself well, to be patient with yourself, and to trust the true Lord Jesus with your healing journey.
I also hope it helps others to understand maybe a little bit better what another has gone through in a less threatening way and to understand more of why the process may take longer than you think it should.
My prayer is that we will all experience the true love of Jesus Christ in whatever way we need, for whatever level of trauma we have experienced, and may we react to each other in love, compassion, and patience, as Christ Jesus does with us.