Even though one of the characteristic signs of narcissism is an abject lack of empathy, narcissism is not the most prevalent reason people lack empathy. To be honest with you, narcissism isn’t that common.
What’s far more common is stress, and stress is a more common cause of a lack of empathy, especially in people who are capable of empathy (for narcissists aren’t).
Stress does something to us, and over the longer term, it changes us. The body’s physiological response to stress is interesting. Stress causes us to gear up for a struggle. It causes readiness in us to deal with the threat—in feeling threatened, we fight or take flight, or we freeze, or fawn (which is probably most like denial).
When the body is threatened, it prioritizes whatever is needed to alleviate the threat.
When the body is threatened, it makes room for what will help it survive. Survival, when we’re feeling threatened, takes immediate precedence.
Even the kindest, most thoughtful person, when they’re threatened, are capable of reacting selfishly, because their psychological and physiological responses take over.
Think of what has swept the world over the last 18 months. It is what has caused a massive degree of hypervigilance in many who would otherwise not be.
Everyone is feeling more vulnerable than they normally would.
Maybe in reading this you might lament that you’re not as empathetic as you’d like to be. Perhaps this is a reason and not an excuse. It could be that you’re exhausted. Maybe it’s compassion fatigue for caring deeply for too long. Perhaps it explains why you’re feeling more than a little irritated and angry, or sad or even fearful; you’re feeling like you’ve carried a lot of stress for a long time.
Then our minds are caught up in mercy for others now that we’ve felt some mercy toward ourselves.
Let’s have empathy for those who lack empathy because they’re so beyond stressed, they’re imminently threatened. Worst of all, it’s those who don’t even recognize how stressed and threatened they are who are most at risk of harming others and themselves.
It’s hard to have empathy for those who don’t show any skerrick of empathy. They may come across as narcissistic. Just hold out the possibility that they’re so stressed as to be in a continuous state of feeling threatened.
Why is it important to have empathy for these people?
Simple. If only we can have empathy, we ourselves are less threatened, we have a way of dealing with our own stress for feeling threatened, simply because we have some understanding of WHY a person is the way they are.
Empathy nurtured toward others converts into empathy for us. There’s healing in it.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Tribework
Featured Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay
