Some people call them “parts”. Some people call them “insiders”. Some people just refer to them as “littles”.
One of my favorite stories growing up was about a family called “The Littles”. They were little people who lived behind the scene in the house of “The Bigs”. I guess there were reasons I liked that story so much.
So, in my book, “For the Silenced Ones”, I hinted at what I called “parts” in the books by describing what my mind felt like, but I really didn’t expound on disassociation on purpose. Mainly, because I felt for the reader, it would have made the story confusing. So, I described it as “an anthill kicked over”. Things like that. That’s what my mind felt like back then: a million little ants running around, a train out of control, bees buzzing around a nest that someone stirred up with a stick.
I’m not a counselor or medical professional, so if you want more information, please feel free to seek that out. In fact, earlier in my life, I was afraid of psychologists because I was afraid of my own mind, and I certainly didn’t want anyone else finding out what was in there.
What I am is one who has experienced that extreme brokenness of the soul that Jesus said He came to heal. I had a very broken heart. I’m a survivor of satanic ritual abuse.
I’ve never met another SRA survivor who has not had some form of Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I will continue to call DID.
That term would have terrified me 20 years ago, so if it makes you a little squirrely, I get it.
So, let’s talk about it a little bit to take some of the weirdness out.
There are some great resources out there, some I’ve listed in the resource section of this website. Yet for the sake of this blog, I’ll keep it pretty simple so that anyone can understand. This is taken from my own understanding at this point and from various counselors.
Disassociation is something pretty much everyone has experienced on one level or another because there are different levels of it.
At the most basic level, it is things we do to get our mind off of something. Maybe it’s pacing in the hospital hall while waiting on a report for a family member or twisting up a piece of paper when in a deep conversation with a friend or doodling on a sheet of paper while listening to a speaker or shaking your leg/rocking back and forth to comfort yourself. All those are examples of your body/ your nervous system trying to help you deal with something going on inside of you that is bothersome or even keeping you more present.
DID, on the other hand, happens when a child goes through something their system deems as so traumatic that they can’t function in day-to-day life remembering, so the mind encapsulates that painful traumatic event into “parts” or compartments. It is a gift from God to survive and how He created our brain/nervous system to help us live.
I say “child” because most specialists in this field say that we have the ability to created parts from an early age till about 10. By then, we are pretty much mentally who we are going to be. Of course, trauma happens to adults, but it is dealt with differently, like in PTSD.
DID could happen for different reasons. A parent is murdered in front of a child, a horrible car accident nearly kills everyone in the vehicle, or a child is raped nightly by her father are all examples that could cause DID.
Then there are more severe cases where long-term, repetitive, and many times intentional abuse happens where a child splits into different “little people”, and each “little” then begins to take on a job for the person that the child couldn’t handle. For example, if a child is repetitively raped by the father, then the child creates a part that has sex with her daddy so that she doesn’t have to ever remember that happening and is able to function in daily life and have normal interaction with her father in other circumstances.
In cases where Satanic Ritual Abuse or some other intentional programming of the mind occurs, like in cases of people being sex trafficked, ritual abused, or say “creating spies”, the DID tends to go much deeper, with many parts and jobs being created. Sometimes, there can be thousands of parts, which can make the journey to healing very long and difficult. There will also almost always be what is called “protector” parts that have the important job of making sure the system is intact and/or everything stays hidden.
Initially, when I began counseling myself, I had this moment of immense relief and terror because for the first time in my life I knew someone else knew how my mind worked, but that was also terrifying because someone else knew how my mind worked.
In the early years, it was like having to deal with a thousand little children in my head all at once, but as Jesus has touched and healed so many inside of me, now it is more like a situation will trigger something inside that still hasn’t been dealt with, and I’ll simply ask myself, “Who inside is still dealing with this (whatever it is)?” If it is a “little”, I will hear an answer inside of me, and I know how to ask the true Lord Jesus to come and heal that part and bring them to a safe place inside of me. I usually will feel a sense of peace come inside of me as that occurs.
There are also people who have been so abused that they have “split personalities” as an adult. For me, I’ve not experienced it on that level, but I have friends who have.
Many times, the church has mistaken “littles” for demons because that part that is in front may have believed themselves to be evil. There also may be a demonic presence, which can be dealt with in the Spirit. Yet, you can’t cast out a part. You can make them feel bad and go back into hiding only making the problem worse, but they are a part of that person and should be dealt with like a little child that is broken and needs the Lord to come and rescue her, just like any child in a traumatic situation would.
Even in this past season, I’ve learned even far more how much the Lord Jesus truly loves and values every part of us, and just wants to help them know who He is, His great love for them, and to experience His healing.
He can and will bring all those parts back together when the time is right.
Many ministries really focus on that part, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but “littles” can just get the feeling you are trying to get them out of the way, which actually slows down the process of healing.
My experience now is I can trust the Lord to take care of that when they have had time to heal with Him. And for some people, for whatever reason, they feel completely comfortable having “littles” inside of them that are completely healed but still hold separate identities. And that’s ok with me.
Again, it reminds me of “The Littles” living in the house with “The Bigs”. They were just as real and valuable as “The Bigs” and actually helped them out a good bit, while “The Bigs” never even knew it.
Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted, to set at liberty those captive. Luke 4:18
Broken hearts are just that. Hearts that have been broken, sometimes into a thousand little pieces. Jesus is the one who can put all those pieces back together and make someone beautiful, whole.
There is a movie that I love called “Joshua”. It’s a modern parable of the life of Jesus. In one scene a woman, whose life has been crushed when her husband was killed in a car accident while she was driving, throws a glass in her hand to the floor, shattering it at Joshua’s feet. “That’s who I am. I’m a shattered mess.” (paraphrased)
As she storms out, Joshua scoops the pieces in His hands and begins to mold them back together. He leaves what’s He’s made as a gift for her with a mutual friend. As she receives it from him, she weeps for there in her hands is the most delicately carved glass ballerina. In that moment, she realizes that God makes beautiful things out of our brokenness.
He certainly does take our brokenness when we let Him and mold an exquisite masterpiece out of it. He loves every part of us and cares about every part of our story because He cares for us. Shouldn’t we also love ourselves in that way, valuing every piece and allowing Him to heal every part of us? I hope you will. I hope you will join me in giving all our broken parts to Him.