This is Part 8 of the Biblical Leadership Series. Click here to go to Part 1.
So far we have discussed the, calling, and capability qualifications for Christian leadership, which all deal with the person’s outward life. However, in this post, and the next two, we will turn our attention inward, at the personal life and character of the leader.
Today, as we focus on the family life of the leader, we will touch on some issues that are controversial to modern thought. As people have gone through the “sexual liberation” of the 1960s, and global media pushes the boundaries of what is acceptable further and further from biblical standards, it becomes difficult to speak truth in the darkness. However, as Christian leaders, we must understand and believe that culture-driven and/or self-determined morality do not take precedent over biblical commands. God’s Word is the standard for life and godliness, and as we will see, there are reasons behind every command God has given to our sexuality and family life.
Every person has a right to their own opinion, and every person has autonomy over what they do with their bodies. They can believe and practice whatever they want. However, if you desire to be a mature Christian and serve as a leader in the body of Christ, you must submit yourself to the Word of God, and live by its standards. Though you might see it as hate speech or “intolerant,” the Bible is clear about these things. Any compromise in the areas we discuss in this post is disqualifying for ministry.
Family Qualification 1: Must Have a Biblical Marriage (1 Timothy 3:2, 12; Titus 1:6)
Near the beginning of Paul’s list of qualifications for church oversight to Timothy, he makes a statement that has been controversial to almost every culture that has read his words:
Therefore an overseer must be… the husband of one wife.” 1 Timothy 3:2
The number of questions this one statement brings up in every leadership training I hold is incredible. It is also justifiable. In one statement, Paul seems to cut out many people from leadership, including women, unmarried men, homosexuals, divorcees, and those in polygamist cultures.
The truth is, however, that there is some nuance in who can lead in the Body of Christ which must take Paul’s words into consideration through the light of other scriptural commands. We will deal with each of these five groups shortly, but first, let’s look at the heart of what Paul commanded here.
“A One Woman Man”
The phrase “husband of one wife” literally means “a man of one woman.” This means that before a man can be the caretaker of the Bride of Christ (the church), he must first be fully committed to his own wife. How he loves and serves his own bride will demonstrate his care for the church.
Not only does a husband’s care for his wife give credibility to his capability to lead the church, but how he loves his bride is also a picture of how Christ loves the church, as a living testimony to those around them. We should see this leadership qualification as a need to be exemplary in how we fulfill Paul’s call on all husbands:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33
The Christian leader must be fully committed to his marriage and love for his wife. He should want to be with her even more than he wants to be ministering or enjoying other hobbies. This will protect his testimony in front of others, and ensure he is mentally committed to her alone.
When this level of commitment is kept, there will be no wandering eyes. There will be no temptation to lust for others or desire slipping into his heart to walk away. This ability to withstand temptation will not just deter you from other women but will give a built-in desire to guard your eyes against temptation-inducing materials in the culture. This includes an aversion to pornography and even a careful attitude for what movies you watch or music you listen to.
This is the essence of biblical marriage. You must be fully committed to your spouse with the same love and care Christ has for the church, or else you will not demonstrate Him to His bride in your ministry.
What About Singles?
If the call and the qualification must include a biblical marriage, then what happens to singles? Well, again, we must take other passages of scripture into account if we are going to get a clear answer. Fortunately, Paul has a lot to say about singleness, and much of it is very favorable toward singles in ministry. After all, Paul himself was a single man in the ministry.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9
In this verse, he expresses that singleness is more desirable than marriage for Christian service, so long as you can keep your physical passions in check. He goes on a few verses later to explain that this is because singles are able to give their full attention to the things of God, while married people’s cares are split between the things of God and their family affairs.
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35
With this in mind, I do not find any place in scripture that disqualifies an unmarried person from serving in Christian leadership. However, they must remain pure in their sexuality in order to be qualified. Lust, fornication, pornography addictions, and the like are disqualifying factors. If they cannot control themselves, they should seek a spouse and be settled into marriage before pursuing any leadership role in the ministry.
What About Women?
Another question that arises is that if an overseer must “be husband of one wife,” then what about women in leadership, whether single or married?
This has been a major point of disagreement among biblical scholars all throughout history. Certain scriptures seem to say that women cannot have any leadership in the church, while another seems to be saying the complete opposite.
Though this brief post is not the place to look at each of those scriptures in-depth, let me simply point out a few biblical truths which must guide us.
Man is Head of the Home
No matter where you land on women in public ministry, it cannot be denied that the man is the head of the household. Even if you allow for women in ministry, in the home, she must be submitted to her husband’s leadership in life and family affairs (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:23).
As a side note, I would argue that this does not give him the right to usurp her authority given by the body of Christ. If she meets the biblical qualifications to lead the church and he does not, then her leadership stands among the greater body of Christ, even as he must grow in maturity to be recognized.
God Has Raised Up Women Leadership in Every Other Area of Creation.
Moving beyond leadership in the home, God has appointed godly women in every other area of senior leadership, both inside the family of God and in the secular world. Just a brief overview of scripture will show:
- Female Judges — Deborah (Judges 4-5)
- Female Prophets — Miriam (Exodus 15:20), Deborah (Judges 4:4), Abigail (1 Samuel 25:3), Huldah (2 Kings 22:14), the unnamed wife of Isaiah (Isaiah 8:3), Anna (Luke 2:36), and Philip’s four daughters (Acts 21:9). (Based on Joel’s prophecy in Joel 2:28-29, we should expect more female prophets as Jesus’ return approaches.)
- Female Governmental Rulers — The Queen of Sheba (2 Chronicles 9:1-9), Queen Esther of Persia, who delivered the Jews because of her position (Book of Esther), Queen Candace of Ethiopia (Acts 8:27)
- Other Powerful Women Who Guided Governmental Leaders — Sarah, the mother of Israel (Genesis 17:15-16), Huldah (2 Kings 22:14).
- Jesus’ own companions in ministry — Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Susanna, and others (Luke 8:2-3) as well as others like Mary and Martha (John 11:5).
- Female Apostles, Evangelists, and other church leaders — Priscilla (Acts 18:2 and Romans 16:3), Phoebe (Romans 16:1), Mary (Romans 16:6), Junia (Romans 16:7), Euodia and Syntyche (Philippians 4:2)
Many more names could be added to this list of women in leadership positions throughout scripture, but again, that is a longer study for another time and place. Suffice it to say that Paul, the other Apostles, Jesus, and God Himself have all affirmed female leadership in the church. It is very difficult, then, to use their words in minor verses to disqualify women from service.
I do not believe the exclusion of women should even be attempted. After all, Peter quotes the prophecy from Joel on Pentecost that we are now in the epoch where God’s Spirit is being poured out on all flesh – men and women – for God’s service (Acts 2:16-18). Then Paul goes out of his way to show that within the church, men and women are of equal standing, just as jews and gentiles have been made equal in the eyes of God.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
What About Divorcees
This question may be the most difficult to answer, as believers in every generation have openly held differing opinions. For instance, among the early church fathers, Pope Innocent I and St. Augustine both taught that being divorced and remarried was 100% disqualifying for ordination. Jerome, translator of the Latin Vulgate, however, believed that if your divorce happened before you were saved, then the grace of God covered you, and you could still qualify for leadership.1
I, personally, agree with Jerome. I do not believe that any sin, including that of divorce, which was committed before your life is transformed through the grace of God in salvation, can be held against you after your salvation. If it could, then no one would qualify for leadership according to the biblical qualifications (Romans 3:23-24).
Cases of Adultery
The 100% disqualifying stance is also difficult to hold as the Bible gives two scenarios where divorce was tolerated among God’s people. The first was in the giving of the Law, where Moses allowed for divorce by those whose spouse had committed adultery (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). (I do understand that Jesus contradicted the heart behind this allowance, yet He echos this same legal command in Matthew 19:9.)
Please do not hear me saying I support divorce. For the Christian, we shouldn’t be quick to throw away our spouse when they sin. Even in the matter of adultery, according to Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:3-9, forgiveness and reconciliation are more desirable than divorce, as this shows the heart of God.
Unequally Yoked Divorces
For the believer, however, Paul makes one other allowance for divorce (though he specifically says it is a matter of practicality, and not a prophetic command). If an unbeliever divorces a believer due to their faith, then the believer should let them go.
To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him… But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 1 Corinthians 7:12-13, 15
This is the situation I have faced in our ministry, in the area of divorce, more than any other. My wife was married prior to us knowing one another. However, shortly after their daughter was born, God miraculously worked in my wife’s life and she was saved, sanctified, and changed. Within a week, her unbelieving husband chose to leave. After seeking reconciliation for some time, she finally had to let him go. When we met a couple of years later, it was clear that she had received a fresh start by the grace of God, and I do not believe we are living in sin in our marriage.
The same story is true of my spiritual father, who shortly into his ministry career had his wife reject the faith and him, and walked away. Thankfully, through the support of other ministers around him, he was encouraged to follow the Lord, and the fruit in his life has since touched millions around the world through salvation and a healing gift.
Just recently, I met with another female pastor in our ministry whose Muslim husband has decided he can no longer tolerate her Christian faith and has sent her away. Though I have encouraged her to take time away from ministry as she is still seeking reconciliation, and trying to put her home in order, I do not believe his choice to leave disqualifies her from serving in the church.
What About Homosexuals?
This, again, is another area where the cultural prerogative is being used to justify an overthrow of scriptural truth. However, as we survey the relevant passages of scripture, homosexuality is always called sin and is therefore disqualifying for church leadership. (See Leviticus 18:22, 1 Corinthians 6:9, 1 Timothy 1:8-11, Romans 1:26-28.)
Does this mean that homosexuals cannot be saved? Absolutely not. And I wholeheartedly support churches and leaders to be welcoming of those who struggle with homosexuality, gender dysphoria, and other abnormal sexual desires, and to press them toward Jesus Christ with love, compassion, and the power of the Holy Spirit. However, someone who sees their sin as an identity does not demonstrate the biblical lifestyle necessary to be a leader over God’s people (i.e. “I am a homosexual” versus “I struggle with same-sex desires.”)
What About Polygamist Cultures?
From God’s plan in the beginning we see that God designed marriage to be between one man and one woman. Even before humanity entered into sin, God declared:
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
Once again, throughout the ages, human culture has indulged personal passions and preferences, leading to polygamy and even a system of unmarried concubines to be acceptable in many times and places. This, however, is not the case in a biblical marriage, which is the qualifier for Christian leadership.
At the end of the discussion, we must remember that our marriages are to be examples to others and pointing to a bigger reality, which is Christ and His Bride, the church.
Family Qualification 2: No accusation of debauchery (Titus 1:6)
Coming back to the other family qualifications for leadership, the second qualification goes hand in hand with the first. If you are going to be committed to biblical marriage, there cannot be a public reputation of “debauchery.”
Historically, the word debauchery has meant “extreme indulgence in sensuality,”2 though in modern usages it means “excessive indulgence in sex, alcohol, or drugs.”3 Both of these definitions are appropriate here.
This goes back to living one way in church, but another way in your personal life. This disconnect cannot happen in the life of a leader. Not only are you to be committed to biblical marriage, but there cannot be a hint of sexual promiscuity or a “partying” lifestyle in your public reputation.
This issue also plays into many of the heretical cults that have arisen in many cultures throughout history, which, while claiming to be Christian, idolize their leaders and require participation in public orgies and other sexual perversities. In the end, this is a doorway for the demonic to enter into the group and actually lead them away from Christ.
As Christians, and especially as leaders, our lives should be marked by purity!
Family Qualification 3: Manages the Home Well and With Dignity (1 Timothy 3:4)
The word Paul uses for “manage” literally means “to exercise a position of leadership, rule, direct, be at the head (of), to have an interest in, show concern for, care for, give aid.”4
Although it does carry the general idea that you are an overseer of your family, I believe that more specifically it means you are mindful of the daily goings-on of your family.
All too often, I see ministers happily sacrificing their family on the altar of the ministry. They are willing to spend the majority of their daily activities caring for the needs of God’s flock, only to come home with nothing left to give of themselves to their spouse and children.
It seems that if your calling is apostolic or evangelistic in nature, the expectation is that you should sacrifice weeks or even months at a time, traveling to various cities and nations, equipping the people of God, while abandoning your spouse to lead your family all alone.
Do not be deceived. This is sin!
Before God will allow you to lead His family, He first requires you to give the best of yourself to your own family. This is a holy calling. In fact, when Paul uses the word, “dignity,” it is synonymous with the word “holiness.”
If you do not set yourself apart (holy) for the work of managing your home, you will never prove holy enough to be an overseer to God’s people.
The word “dignity” is also synonymous with the word “majestic.” It implies that when you step up to the task of loving and leading your family well, it gives you an air of majesty in how you are recognized as a leader in the church.
Family Qualification 4: Disciplined Children (1 Timothy 3:4, 12)
Paul says that one requirement for Christian leadership is that a person must “keep his children submissive” and “manage their children.” Once again, the personal life qualifications mirror your public duties as a minister. As we have already discussed, one of the capability qualifications of the leader is the ability to rebuke and correct wayward believers. However, the Bible says that before you can help bring discipline to God’s family, you must demonstrate competency and ability to discipline your own family, first.
The root word for “discipline” is “disciple.” This qualification, therefore, does not mean that a leader learns to beat their children into submission, just as you do not beat the church into submission. Rather, this means that a leader must patiently raise their children according to the gospel and the Word of God. This takes grace and a whole lot of humility. Yet, again, this is training for dealing with the people of God, who also, often, act like irresponsible children in their obedience to Christ.
This qualification goes hand-in-hand with the next.
Family Qualification 5: Children are Believers (Titus 1:6)
It seems like a difficult qualification to put the salvation of another person onto the leader, in order for them to lead the church. However, I am not exactly sure it is that simple. Obviously, once your children reach maturity and begin taking responsibility for their own lives, they will come to the place of choosing to follow Christ or walk away from Him. At that point, I don’t think their personal decision affects your calling and qualification for service.
However, when your children are young and living in your care, they should demonstrate in their own lives the fact that you are discipling them into Christ behind the scenes. The way they act in public will directly correlate to how they are raised in the home.
By way of example, if your children are allowed to run around undisciplined, using foul language, watching inappropriate movies on TV, and spend their time with openly sinful friends, this is a direct reflection on your ability to raise them as believers. On the other hand, if your children are respectful to people, kind and loving in their words, and happy to pray for people, sing worship songs, or talk about Jesus, it is a sign that you are a good spiritual father or mother, as well as just being a good parent.
The Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
The question of whether or not your children are (and will remain) believers, is dependent, in many ways, on how you raise them.
In Summary
The Bible talks about the Christian community as a family. We are the Bride of Christ and the Children of God. The reason the Lord requires so much of us in our roles as spouse and parent is because how we do in our own home, will reflect on how much we are truly bearing the image of God as Father and Bridegroom. Not only will this demonstrate our capability of being spiritual guardians within the church, but it will also be a living testimony (or obvious challenge) to the truth of the Word we preach.
1 “Oceanus, a Roman nobleman zealous for the faith, had asked Jerome to back him in a protest against Carterius a Spanish bishop who contrary to the apostolic rule that a bishop is to be “the husband of one wife” had married a second time. Jerome refuses to take the line suggested on the ground that Carterius’s first marriage having preceded his baptism cannot be taken into account. He therefore advises Oceanus to let the matter drop. The date of the letter is 397 A.D.” (Quoted from Jerome, “The Letters of St. Jerome,” in *St. Jerome: Letters and Select Works*, ed. Philip Schaff and Henry Wace, trans. W. H. Fremantle, G. Lewis, and W. G. Martley, vol. 6, A Select Library of the Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers of the Christian Church, Second Series (New York: Christian Literature Company, 1893), 141.)
2 Inc Merriam-Webster, Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary. (Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster, Inc., 2003).
3 Catherine Soanes and Angus Stevenson, eds., Concise Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2004).
4 William Arndt et al., A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2000), 870.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Anthony Scott Ingram
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