“I am so sorry, Maddox, but mommy has to go and cry up in her room for a little bit,” I said to my 3-year-old, trying to explain why we had to leave the park unexpectedly. He really wanted to stay, but I just wanted some privacy to shed my tears because they were coming whether I wanted them to or not.
It’s been one month, one month to the day actually since we’ve left our home and moved 1/2 way across the world from South Carolina to Kona. It was also the second day in a row I had broken down crying. Yesterday, I barely held it together in the cafeteria. Some days I feel like I “have it together,” whatever that’s supposed to mean, but most days I don’t. Most days it’s just really hard.
It’s been a whole month. I feel like I should be adjusted already. I’m a pretty adaptable person. I mean, I’ve lived sleeping my nights on a futon in a tiny room in Mexico for two months with Calvin. We even had the tiniest lumpy pillows that ever existed. We still laugh to this day about why in the world we didn’t just buy new pillows!
This is new. New feelings, new levels of discomfort. If I based my decisions on feelings versus trying to follow the Lord in obedience, I would already be back home in my house that has AC and my kids have their own rooms and I’m baking pumpkin pie and eating apple crisp and wearing jeans. Yeah because I haven’t worn jeans since our plane ride here. Jeans would be nice.
I find myself with unanswered questions. Is it my hormones that are causing these ups and downs? Is it the transition? Is it spiritual warfare? A mixture of the above? I am not really sure. All I know is that I am uncomfortable. And I’m crying. Thank you, Lord, for sunglasses.
And it doesn’t make sense because we live in one of those most beautiful places in the world. Hawaii really is gorgeous with the pinky creamsicle colored sunsets and the endless blue-green sea. We have an amazing Christian community around us too.
Like seriously some incredible people living right next door. Not like across the street next door but step outside our door and there is their door —because we live on a Ywam base in what used to be an old hotel. So…I should probably be okay, right? Like why don’t I have it together? That’s what I tell myself. What is going on?
In my heart of hearts I know it’s not about where I am or what’s going on around me but it’s about WHO HE IS and what He wants to do in me. And that’s where the challenge is. Sometimes I just find myself wanting to stay in my self-pity just a few moments longer, stay sad and feel sorry for myself. So strange, I know. Or maybe you’ve been there? Please, tell me I’m not the only one.
I know even in the midst of unanswered questions that choosing to trust Jesus is the best choice. Really it’s the only choice. The only one that will lead me to the place of peace that my heart longs for. The place of rest that my soul is crying out for.
As much as I just want to quit, I know that really isn’t an option if I want to experience the fullness of what He wants to bring. I know there has to be more. I’m holding on to Truth. I love this from the Psalms 27:13-14 MSG:
“I’m sure now I’ll see God’s goodness in the exuberant earth. Stay with God! Take heart. Don’t quit. I’ll say it again- stay with God.”
I so wish I could end this blog happily like I am handing you a gift wrapped with a gold bow on top, and then you open it, and there is an adorable puppy inside. And then you’re like, “Aww, you shouldn’t have!” But I’m not there yet. So for now, this is what’s here. Me, still in the middle…probably one of the hardest places to be. But I’m not quitting yet…I’m going to stay with God.
How about you? Have you been through something similar? I would love to hear from you!
Written by Camille Hanson
This is an updated edition of a post originally published October 2017 on theholisticpursuit.com.
Featured Image by Franz Harvin Aceituna