Sexless Marriage – Why You Shouldn’t Settle For One

If you are not emotionally, spiritually, and mentally connected as a couple, odds are that you won’t be doing much physical connecting either. 

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Are you in a sexless marriage? Ooh, we’ve got some talking to do!

First of all, let’s define a sexless marriage, shall we? A sexless marriage is one where you are having sex less than once a month or less than 10 times a year. Keep in mind that there are circumstances where this might be necessary or temporarily normal. Newborn babies, medical issues, mental health struggles, medications, just to name a few, are all reasons why your sex life might be down in the dumps for the time being. And while this information may be helpful, those are issues that usually need to be addressed first… But for the rest of you who are just lacking the desire for sex, wanting more but are married to someone who doesn’t, or you’re just living as two disconnected ships passing in the night, keep reading.

Common reasons for a lack of sex and what to do about them

If you are not emotionally, spiritually, and mentally connected as a couple, odds are that you won’t be doing much physical connecting either.  This is especially true for women. If you as a woman don’t feel love, you likely won’t be interested in making it. The catch 22 is that women want to feel emotionally connected in order to have sex, where men often feel the most emotionally connected
when they have sex.

How do you fix this disconnection? You start talking! Make space for daily connection. You talk about your interests and goals, you plan date nights where you don’t talk about the kids, and you learn how to share your feelings and your life with one another.

Another great way to connect is by taking 2 minutes out of your day to do something that we call the 60 Second Blessing. It takes one minute from each of you, and it will surely start those sparks of emotional connection once again!

We can all collectively say that life has been hard as of late. Perhaps your marriage is experiencing a season of change or has some added stressors, or perhaps you’re in crisis and haven’t been connected on any level, much less the physical kind, in a long time. 

What’s the solution for that? Address the problem! No more sweeping it under the rug, no more waiting for it to fix itself. It’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. This might mean professional counseling, some heart-to-heart chats, a marriage workshop, or just forcing yourself to get out of denial. 

Another more lighthearted, yet powerful tip, is to start having fun. Play some games together, watch a comedy, start a new hobby or sport together. Friendship is the gas on the fire of sex. Think back to your dating days, what did you do for fun? Do those things! Make fun a priority once again.

The final disruptor of sex is pornography.
Pornography is no longer a subject we can stick our heads in the sand over. It’s here and it’s rampant. A big issue with porn and marriage is that you connect to whatever brings you pleasure, and for many men, some women too, what brings them pleasure is on a screen. The screen becomes what they crave and desire, and while you should be connecting and bonding to one another, instead of bonding to the screen is taking place. 

If this is you or your marriage, you are not alone, 47% of families say that pornography is a problem and it currently produces more income than the NFL, NBA, and MLB… combined. The solution? Kick porn to the curb. It will never be something that enhances your marriage and left unchecked it can easily destroy not only your sex life but also your marriage.

The truth here is this; sex is a part of the plan for a healthy, Godly marriage. God designed it for reproduction, pleasure, comfort, and connection. It is the physical manifestation of two becoming one. It should be both physically and emotionally fulfilling, beautiful, and connecting for BOTH of you. So, whatever it is that’s interrupting your sex life, it’s worth it to fix it. You deserve great sex in your marriage!


If you want more on this hot topic, check out episode 17 of the Expedition Marriage podcast,
Let’s Talk about Sex.



This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Expedition Marriage 

Featured Image by Bingo Naranjo from Pixabay

The views and opinions expressed by Kingdom Winds Collective Members, authors, and contributors are their own and do not represent the views of Kingdom Winds LLC.

About the Author

Chris and Jamie Bailey are professional Christian counselors and marriage coaches. They run their private practice as well as online ministry, Expedition Marriage, from their home in Fort Mill, SC. They are the parents of three adult daughters and two adorable grandchildren. Together they run weekend marriage retreats, offer guest speaking, one day seminars, as well as run workshops in person and online. Together they hope to encourage Christian marriages and help them thrive abundantly.