Seeing in the Land of the Living: My Comforter (Part 8)

In early April 2019, I went to my neurologist and heard the words “recurrence.”

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In mid-March 2019, I got a headache. I know that doesn’t sound notable, but the headache felt similar to headaches caused by a rare condition I was diagnosed within 2018. I spent a few weeks ignoring the nagging headache that followed me every day. I woke up with a headache and went to bed with a headache. Finally, I couldn’t ignore the headache and increasing symptoms anymore. In early April 2019, I went to my neurologist and heard the words “recurrence”.

Disappointment doesn’t even begin to define the feelings I felt when I left the doctor’s office. I thought we had closed the door on Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH) in 2018.  As I have described before, IIH is a rare condition where a person’s body creates too much spinal cerebral fluid which creates pressure. Increased pressure can cause optic nerves to swell and when the swelling is left untreated it can cause blindness. The condition almost always leaves behind scar tissue and some kind of vision damage. In November 2018, a specialist confirmed my body had no evidence of the rare disease. In fact, I didn’t have any scar tissue or vision damage that the condition often leaves behind. I was so confused about how I could go from having “no evidence of disease” to hearing the word “recurrence” in such a short time.

There were a lot of tears after that appointment. Going back on medications to fight the headaches and protect my vision made me feel like I had done something wrong. Please hear me, I have no problem with medical science. I believe doctors and medicine are in our lives for a reason, and I am so thankful for the advances that have been made to help give us long and healthy lives. However, when I knew that I was healed – the doctors confirmed there was no evidence of disease – taking that medication again felt like we had lost a battle.

In May 2019, we traveled three hours away to the specialist that confirmed there was no evidence of disease just a few months prior. This appointment has been scheduled months before. When we left the doctor’s office in November 2018, he said that he wanted to see me one more time to confirm I was going to be okay. This appointment was supposed to be the appointment that we celebrated the fact that the enemy tried to attack my eyes with a rare condition, but God was bigger. I had dreams of big parties. Big ideas about how to celebrate God’s goodness.

Instead, after several tests and several hours of waiting, the specialist confirmed there is evidence of IIH behind both my eyes. Hearing the condition is now affecting both of my eyes was very surprising. Last year, only one eye was affected, and based on symptoms alone, I was shocked to learn the swelling was seen behind both my eyes. In the midst of all of this, the specialist delivered good news, I still have not lost any vision and still do not have any scar tissue from the swelling. The specialist recommended a few treatments, and sent us on our way, with a follow-up appointment in a few months.

Friends, it’s hard for me to completely describe my emotions. My heart is broken that we are fighting this battle again. I am still waking up every day with the same headache I woke up with in March. It hasn’t broken once. I am still working, and managing my house and living life. I’m exhausted and honestly, I am out of words.

In 2019, Amanda Lindsey Cook released a new album called The Awakening. Every song on this album is fire and has spoken to the deepest parts of my heart. On my worst days, Amanda’s song “Comforter” was on repeat. The lyrics are:

Where there are no words,
And even breathing hurts
You’re my comforter,
You’re my comforter

You won’t abandon me,
You’re with me in the deep
And You won’t let me sink,
And You won’t let me sink

This will be my great redemption
While I’ll weep, You’ll set my feet to dancing
Where there are no words,
And even breathing hurts
You’re my comforter,
You’re my comforter

You won’t abandon me,
You’re with me in the deep
And You won’t let me sink,
And You won’t let me sink

This will be my great redemption
While I’ll weep, You’ll set my feet to dancing
Till You and me are the last ones standing
I learn to lean more than understanding
Cause You are always good
You are always good

In the weeks following my appointment, I did a lot of soaking in His presence. I allowed Jesus to be my comforter and I felt Him in that season like I have never had before. I told Him I was disappointed, and He didn’t leave. I told Him that I’m angry, and He invited me in closer. I told Him that I’m tired, and He gave me peace. I told Him that I have no words, and He gave me a new song. In a season that felt physically impossible some days, I learned to lean more on Him. He took me to places I had never been to before. I met Him in new places because it was impossible to move forward without Him.

Psalm 42:11 sums up exactly how my heartfelt, it says this in the Passion Translation: 

So I say to my soul,
“Don’t be discouraged. Don’t be disturbed.
For I know my God will break through for me.”
Then I’ll have plenty of reasons to praise him all over again.
Yes, living before his face is my saving grace!

As much as it hurt, I had to make a decision to stop being disappointed in this diagnosis. I knew what the doctors have said, but they aren’t the final report. God is still a good God in the midst of this diagnosis. I am not sure if you caught this, but I have been diagnosed with a condition that almost always causes some blindness, and yet I have no vision loss. A condition that almost always leaves scars and damage behind, and yet I have no lasting marks. Here’s the thing, my healing hasn’t changed. God didn’t change His mind. My healing happened on the cross 2,000 years ago. I don’t have to beg – it’s already mine. I don’t know why my body isn’t in line with that healing, but I know this isn’t how the story ends. I know my God will breakthrough for me. I am still clinging to Psalm 27:13-14 and believing I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

So today and every day, until these headaches break, I will praise Him. I am not choosing to praise Him because of what He will give me, but because of who He is in the midst of it all. I am choosing to celebrate His goodness as He redeems this season.

Friend, I don’t know what your story looks like. I don’t know what hurt you are carrying around, but I do know this. Jesus doesn’t want to just comfort me. He wants to comfort you too. I encourage you to tell Him all the places you think you’re hiding, I promise He won’t leave. I encourage you to tell Him you are hurting, I promise He will give you peace too. I encourage you to tell Him you have no words, I promise He has a new song for you too. Healing wasn’t just paid for me on the cross 2,000 years ago. It was paid for you too. This isn’t a battle either of us has to fight, it was already won 2,000 years ago.

 

 

This is an updated edition of a post originally published on borderless.blog.

Featured Image by Foto Garage AG 

The views and opinions expressed by Kingdom Winds Collective Members, authors, and contributors are their own and do not represent the views of Kingdom Winds LLC.

About the Author

Melissa Forster lives in Missouri with her husband, Dan, and their adorable gray cat named Leo. She loves Jesus with her whole heart and loves following Him to a place where her faith is without borders. She collects llamas, t-rexs and grand adventures. Her favorite place to be is tucked in at home with copious amounts of coffee and a great book. Melissa and Dan have been struggling with delayed fertility for ten years and have two precious babies in heaven. Melissa writes from her heart about her (slightly dramatic) near death experiences, grief, joy and who Jesus is in the midst of all of it.