Snow falls like a million tiny answers to all the wishes cast on shooting stars. I made a wish while the moon shined white last night. I whispered it in the quiet part of my heart where child-like hopes mingle with prayers. On the surface, it seemed to be a wish for everything to turn out okay. But on a deeper level, it was a prayer about giving control to God.
It was a prayer for my oldest son.
Long story short, I feel like I failed the sweet seven-year-old. A paper came home from school the other day, and it wasn’t the kind of paper parents hope to receive. It doesn’t matter so much what it said. Most parents have this moment. The paper comes home (or you walk out of the meeting), and you immediately wonder if you’re failing your child. You look back on the past months and decide you should have tried harder, made more sticker charts, yelled less, made more rules about screens, and on and on it goes.
You know you shouldn’t be putting your worth in your child’s performance, but your child’s struggle makes you feel like you’ve been punched in the ribs.
The Things You’ve Heard About Your Identity and Giving God Control:
You’ve heard all the truisms about moments like this:
My identity is not found in my child’s performance.
Being first or best doesn’t matter.
I’m not in control of the outcomes in my child’s life.
This isn’t about me.
I know all these things in my head.
It’s my heart.
My heart doesn’t want to hear it.
My heart says, “I’m failing in the one place that matters most. I should really give up on my writing career so I can be a better mom. How selfish of me to invest in anything other than my kids. I shouldn’t be surprised this is happening.”
The Truth About Giving Control to God When You Feel Like You’re Failing
What about you, friend?
Do you feel like you’re failing in places that matter deeply to you?
Are you crushed when your kids fall short?
Do you take it upon yourself when the project falls apart, the teenager gets drunk, the friend hurts herself, or the husband falls off the wagon?
Were you trying to carry the weight of these outcomes on your shoulders – taking on the responsibility and vowing to fix what felt broken?
What are you taking on that’s not yours to fix?
Creating Space to Feel Your Feelings
The tiny white flakes dance in silver circles, and I open my clenched fists. I breathe deeply and feel the weight of disappointment in the bottom of my belly. I sit with the discomfort and don’t judge myself for it.
I’m disappointed.
I sit with this without being afraid of it. I don’t try to fix the way I feel. But I do invite God to help me become more aware of his presence as we sit together with my disappointment.
“Lead me to what is true,” I pray.
It falls gently with the swirling song of the snowflakes:
God is working in my son’s heart to shape him into the man he needs him to be. He will need to walk through the refining fire of failure to step into his calling when the time is right.
God is working in my heart too. He is teaching me to release my children to him. He’s teaching me to release my expectations for how my children will make an impact on the world. He invites me to release my expectations for where my son’s giftings will lie.
Giving Control to God While Stewarding the Gifts
My children are gifts from God. All too often, I take God’s gifts and hold onto them with clenched fists in an attempt to remain in control. I want every outcome to fall in pleasant places, and I don’t want to endure hard circumstances.
Meanwhile, God reminds me: These gifts are mine to steward, but they are not mine to control.
Every aspect of my calling is a gift from God: My kids, my writing career, caring for our home, my marriage, my friendships, and the many ministries where God calls me to serve.
As much as I’d like to keep a controlling grip on these different aspects of my calling, God isn’t asking me to control outcomes. Instead, he invites me to steward the gifts. He asks me to steward with excellence, to pour my life into these parts of my calling, and then he asks me to leave the outcomes in his hands.
The Difference Between Stewardship and Control
Control tells me to force outcomes.
Stewardship invites me to serve well and let God handle the outcomes.
This looks like doing the best I can to raise our children and leaving the outcomes to God – knowing he is using their failures and struggles, and their failures and struggles aren’t attached to my identity.
Stewardship looks like keeping the house relatively clean but not yelling at the people who live in it and sometimes make messes. My role is to steward the house, not keep it perfect.
Stewardship looks like doing my best in my writing career and not striving to chase goals God never asked me to set.
It looks like being the best wife, friend, and mother I can be and forgiving myself for the places I fall short.
Stewardship looks like cheering for my kids. It looks like building them up and not letting my inner critic tell me I’m a failure when my kids fail.
What about you?
Are you wrestling with a failure in your life today?
What would it look like for you to release your desire for control and simply steward the assignment in front of you?
Your Invitation for Giving Control to God
Spend a few minutes resting in the Lord’s presence. When your mind has settled, ask him to show you an area of your life where you’re grasping for control. You might be trying to control a person, an outcome in a situation that’s important to you, or some other specific part of your calling.
What would it look like for you to stop trying to force outcomes and adopt a stewardship mentality? Write down what this shift would look like. God is working. He is opening those clenched fists and inviting you into a better way of being.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Stacey Pardoe
Featured Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay
