Losing Your Identity When Marriage Gets Messy

Without a clear sense and integration of your identity in Christ, you will CONSTANTLY struggle to manage the messes of life and marriage.

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When messes and troubles continue unabated in marriage for any length of time, it’s easy to not just lose your way, but also lose your identity. If and when this occurs, you will invariably experience more marriage messes and disorientation.

One main reason you’ve lost your sense of identity is that you’ve constantly poured yourself constantly into your ailing marriage. We surely should pour ourselves into our marriages, but losing your identity occurs when this is done to your detriment.

It occurs when you put far too much focus and effort on your spouse (or kids) to either guide you out of your problems, and/or provide what you feel like is missing. These are dead-end pursuits and routes.


How to Find and Establish Your Identity

Before I dive in, I want to be clear at the outset. I am talking about the only identity that really matters in life—your identity in Christ.

If you want to discover who you are apart from Christ, making that your focus and aim, you won’t gain the footing and strength for the struggles you’re currently facing. You might feel better about yourself (probably temporarily). But you won’t feel better about your marriage—dissatisfaction guaranteed!

In fact, the more you focus on self-care, the more you might just care less about your mate. I’m not saying self-care is wrong or bad. It’s just not the cure-all for a messy, mired marriage.


How to Find Your Identity in Christ

1. Receive Salvation and Commit to Step #2

If you are not a Christ-follower—have not received Christ’s free gift of salvation—then don’t hesitate another second! Click my Know God page to read more about how to make this all-important decision. I promise you will be so glad you did!

2. Remember and Get to Know Your Savior

If you ARE a Christ-follower who feels like you have lost your identity, then you need to remember who you are by knowing the identity God and His word say you already possess.

Without a clear sense and integration of your identity in Christ, you will CONSTANTLY struggle to manage the messes of life and marriage. Take it from a wife who operated for many years without this clear integration!


How to Understand  and Know Your Identity

There are many Scriptures that clarify who and whose you are in Christ. I will be referencing many of them today, though not exhaustively. These positions and reflections of our identity in Christ must be understood and lived out every day if we ever hope to find Hope in life and marriage!

Child of God

John 1:12, 1 John 3:1-2

Bride and Spouse of Christ

Rev. 19:7-9 (Bridegroom)

Isaiah 54:5 (Husband)

Heir of the Father and Co-heir with Christ

Rom. 8:17

Sibling of Christ

Hebrews 2:11

Chosen One

Jer. 1:5, I Peter 2:9

Royal Priest

1 Peter 2:9

Holy, Sanctified

1 Peter 2:9Heb. 10:10

God’s Special Possession

1 Peter 2:9

Soldier of God

Eph. 6:10-18II Tim. 2:3

Temple of Holy Spirit

1 Cor. 6:19

Member of the Body of Christ

1 Cor. 12:27

Image-bearer (of God)

Gen. 1:27

Slave of Christ

Eph. 6:6, I Peter 2:16

Accepted by Christ

Rom. 15:7

Loved by God

Rom. 5:8, I John 3:1

New Creation

2 Cor. 5:17


1 John 1:9, Col. 3:13


Col. 2:10

Reflect on these verses to remind yourself of your identity in Christ, especially whenever you feel lost, disoriented, and discouraged.



This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Messy Marriage

Featured Image by Bessi from Pixabay 

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