I was one day away from finding out the gender of my 10-week old baby!
We were going to celebrate BIG this time and have a gender reveal party with a few local friends and family Zoomed in. I ordered the cupcakes, bought some decorations and our kids were over the moon excited! I had only told a small handful of people I was pregnant.
The day before the big reveal, something went terribly wrong. We did all we could in faith and believed for a miracle. I gathered prayer warriors but the bleeding progressed. I found myself driving to the ER, spending hours and hours running tests, getting sonograms, and waiting on results.
That night, things continued to progress at home and I ended up losing my baby.
This miscarriage was more traumatic than the others because this baby was more developed than the last ones. This time I had to “deliver” my baby myself, in my bathroom, at home.
I’m leaving out graphic parts of the last few days but let me tell you it was traumatic.
I felt angry. I felt scared. I felt alone. I felt shame. I felt so much disappointment. I was frustrated that my body had failed me once again.
How was I going to respond? The emotions and devastation felt debilitating.
I sensed the Lord say to me……
“LEAN INTO your pain & LEAN INTO ME.”
So I did.
I told God exactly how I felt- that’s right…the good, bad, and the ugly. The raw emotions of what I was feeling. I didn’t try and stuff it- or avoid it- I let myself grieve..but not as one that has no hope.
Because you know what? God loves it when we get so brutally honest and raw with Him! He can take it! He doesn’t require us to be polite or politically correct. He wants an authentic, real, raw relationship with us.
There’s a lie sometimes that we have to be tough, we aren’t supposed to feel things, or that we have to have our CRAP all together in our relationship with God.
But, the truth is- when we are raw with God and our emotions- it helps us heal quicker and deeper, it keeps bitterness from taking root and builds emotional maturity.
I share this very personal post to say- whether you’ve experienced the loss of a baby, the loss of a loved one this year, or have experienced any type of disappointment, I’m so sorry! My heart is with you! God’s heart is with you! He is so close!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
LEAN INTO your pain.
LEAN INTO GOD & LET HIM LOVE ON YOU!
He gives the greatest & most lasting comfort you could possibly receive. He is close to the brokenhearted!!
There is great hope even after great disappointment! God is good and He is not done with what He has spoken over you!
Written by Kelly Melissa Whalen