I remember a time when I felt such horrific heart-breaking grief mixed with raging anger and deep despair with heavy hopelessness.
I remember just shaking my fists and screaming at the sky.
I was spitting mad at God. I wanted nothing to do with Him anymore. He failed me…He failed my brother… and now how dare He be quiet and aloof to answer me and my questions of why???
I cried … I cried out … I yelled …
I tried to control every aspect of my life by white-knuckling everything to feel sane and keep from falling completely apart.
It was in deep despair that I realized I actually had no control over anything … that I may never know the answer to “why”… but I had to surrender to something bigger than me…or die myself.
So, I made a plea—a bargain of sorts with God.
I told Him I don’t understand a bit of anything, but I was tired of the anger and the sadness and the grief.
I was tired of numbing my life and being an angry wife and a selfish checked out mom.
I didn’t like life as it had unfolded before me and I had no way or idea how to move forward.
God heard my cries.
He stepped in
when I chose to step aside.
I still don’t understand many things. But I finally understand the love and grace of God that swept in and radically changed my life.
The same God that never left me when I was spitting mad at Him.
The same God that restored my life.
The same God that took my shattered and breaking heart and bound up those deep gaping wounds.
The same God that took my ashes and exchanged them for beauty. The same God that took my most horrific regret and turned it into an avenue to bring many others healing and wholeness.
It’s been 15 years now and I don’t really have anything figured out about why tragedy and death happen to us.
I just know I love and trust the Lover of my soul more deeply than ever.
I still have my questions when the world seems unfair or friends lose a child or a battle with a horrible disease or a tragic senseless tragedy rocks me.
I don’t seek so much to figure out or demand to know the why’s…
I simply trust God to do what He did for me all those years ago.
So, I step aside and let God step in.
I invite Him into my pain, ask Him to intervene in others’ pain. I ask God to heal my heart and heal others’ hearts, to bind up wounds, and bring beauty out of these ashes.
When I don’t know what to do, I simply keep my eyes fixed on Him.
He has done it … He can do it… He will do it… and keep doing it again and again…and again.
We simply step aside,
surrender, and ask.
Our God! … we don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on You.”
—2 Chronicles 20:12
Written by: Michelle Cosby Bollom
Featured image by Semina Psichogiopoulou