(NOTE: This is for the sake of a humorous soul. Not to be taken literally – NOT BASED UPON ANY REAL CURRENT EVENT)
(GPNews – Jerusalem) Having established a recent discovery based upon rather sketchy and unprecedented events, one of our key analysts and top column reporters was able to garner an interview with one of the so-called Ezekiel Zombies. Presented here in its entirety is the word-for-word interview that Uri Freidhof conducted with Manny Zussman, the only member of the massive group of walking dead that has accepted an invitation to interview.
(Uri Friedhof – 6/10/18(BC)) I was recently afforded the opportunity to experience what most would call a fabricated vision at best. Truth be told, I personally would have never believed it to be true. But I stand nearly convinced by the individual I came to know as Manny Zussman. As many others, I had heard the stories surrounding the Prophet Ezekiel’s visions and objectives. After much researching, hunting for facts, and sorting the various bits of information from the ridiculous urban legends and stories, I was able to meet with the sole volunteer that has come forward to tell his story. One that might seem beyond reality. Here is how our conversation went:
Freidhof: Where are you from?
Zussman: Israel. A small village outside of Jerusalem.
Freidhof: What did you do for a living?
Zussman: I was an Israeli soldier. A patriot. Actually, I’m still a soldier since I died as one. I love my country! GO IDF!
Freidhof: You died as a soldier?
Zussman: Yeah. Weird, huh?
Freidhof: But you are standing here before me. (Snicker)
Zussman: Yeah, I can’t really explain it. It just happened. I thought I was done.
Freidhof: There is a rumor going around that you and all those who are part of this are actually just zombies. Any truth to that?
Zussman: What’s a zombie?
Freidhof: Umm. The undead?
Zussman: Okay. Then yes. But then, you’re undead as well. I mean, wouldn’t that mean…
Freidhof: Moving on. Can you explain what happened?
Zussman: You mean in the valley of dry bones?
Freidhof: Well, it is the purpose of this interview.
Zussman: Right. Okay. Well, you see, we were dead.
Zussman: Well, yeah. I wasn’t alone. There were hundreds of us. Maybe even thousands. We were dead.
Freidhof: What was that like?
Zussman: Being dead? Well, kind of… You know, I can’t really remember. Since I was dead. Your senses kind of stop working. I know it started out as quite painful.
Freidhof: Really? What was painful about it?
Zussman: Well, the sword.
Freidhof: The sword? What sword?
Zussman: THE sword.
Freidhof: Okay. Can you elaborate on THE sword and why it was painful?
Zussman: Well, yeah. It was inside me. That’s how I died. Wow, it hurt. A lot.
Freidhof: I see. Well, can we focus on the part that you were dead?
Zussman: Yeah, sure. So I was dead. I really don’t remember much about it. But it happened some time back. I mean, I’ve heard stories. And the guy that is king wasn’t king last I remember.
Freidhof: Can you explain more about the “stories”?
Zussman: Yeah, they called that place the “Valley of the Dry Bones.” I’m guessing because it was full of the dry bones. And a valley.
Freidhof: What dry bones?
Zussman: OUR dry bones. My bones. My fellow soldier’s bones. We were dead. Remember?
Freidhof: Right. And what came next?
Zussman: Well, a couple of hundred years of being dead. I mean, I’m guessing the whole buzzards picking us clean thing and all that.
Freidhof: Do you feel you have been mistreated by the vulture community?
Zussman: Did you just say that?
Freidhof: Never mind. Let’s move on. So you have been dead for many years. Maybe even a hundred or more. Yet you are standing here talking to me. How should I react to that?
Zussman: Hey, you were the one that wanted to talk about this, not I.
Zussman: What about you?
Freidhof: The proper term would be “me.” “You were the one that wanted to talk about this, not me.”
Freidhof: Okay, never mind.
Zussman: Sorry, not picking up on you there. Been dead for a while and still trying to get my senses back.
Freidhof: Right. Okay, you’re telling your story. Can you elaborate on how this all came about? How did it start?
Zussman: Yeah. Started out when I was about 16. King David sent out men to recruit soldiers. I love King David. What a warrior. I was honored to serve. So I lied about my age and…
Freidhof: I meant how this whole thing with becoming a zombie and everything.
Zussman: Zombie. You use that word again. I don’t think it means what you think it means.
Freidhof: Really? You just quoted…
Zussman: I’m not a zombie.
Freidhof: But it means undead. I thought that was established.
Zussman: Right. Forgot that. I guess we’re all sort of zombies then.
Freidhof: Well, I don’t consider myself a zombie.
Zussman: Then you’re not undead. Which, I think, means you’re dead. You should have that looked at. Might be terminal. (Snicker)
Freidhof: Yes, well. Once again, moving on.
Freidhof: So, you were killed in battle?
Freidhof: Which one?
Zussman: The one I died in.
Freidhof: Yeah. Which one?
Zussman: The one I died in.
Freidhof: Which battle was it?
Zussman: The one I died in?
Zussman: Not sure. I imagine it took place in the Valley of Dry Bones. I can’t imagine them moving us all to that place to let us rot in the sun. Probably somewhere nearby.
Freidhof: Can you explain what happened the day you were… Resurrected?
Zussman: The details are foggy.
Zussman: Yeah. Not clear. Foggy.
Freidhof: Okay, just tell us what you know.
Zussman: I opened my eyes and could see. Which I knew right away something was different because I was a skeleton and had no eyes.
Freidhof: You had no eyes?
Zussman: Yeah, skeletons can’t see anything. They have no eyes. Surely you knew that, right?
Freidhof: Of course. I just never thought about it.
Zussman: Yeah, well, granted I had a few years to contemplate it.
Freidhof: So, you can suddenly see?
Zussman: Yeah. I felt whole. Above us was a bright light.
Zussman: Oh, yeah. Every single one in the valley stood upright.
Freidhof: The bones?
Zussman: All gone. Nothing but whole people. Flesh and muscles and all that stuff in place. Pretty crazy.
Zussman: Well, at first, it was amazing. Then I realized I was quite chilly.
Freidhof: It was cold?
Zussman: Not really. It’s just that when Ezekiel called us back to life, he gave us tendons, muscles, organs, EYEBALLS, flesh, and so on. But he forgot to call back our clothes. I was embarrassed. But only for a moment. Turned out none of us had a stitch on.
Freidhof: What did you do?
Zussman: Well, we emptied Wal-Mart in a matter of minutes.
Freidhof: So, you took all the clothes?
Zussman: No. I mean we emptied it. A thousand naked guys running into the store. Scares people. They all ran out. Emptied the place. Including the greeter. It was a sight to see. Now that we had eyes.
Freidhof: Can we get back to the experience of being re-born?
Zussman: Re-born? That’s a great way to put it. Yeah. Quite an experience.
I felt like something had changed, though. Not just re-born, but like there was something new inside of me. That the breath that was in my lungs was stronger than before. Greater. More powerful.
Freidhof: So, in a way, re-born better than before?
Zussman: Yes. With greater purpose. To do something I could never do before. Like the Great Power that had given us new life had a plan for us that was beyond what any mortal could do.
Freidhof: How do you feel now?
Zussman: Like I wish everyone could experience what I have experienced.
Freidhof: Well, that would require us all to die.
Zussman: I know. I mean, that is truly how it is. Call me a zombie, the undead, the living, the whatever! But in my life, before all of this, I have never felt so alive. So excited. So powerful. So blessed.
Freidhof: What do you attribute for that feeling.
Zussman: Haha. Not a “what,” but a “Who.”
Zussman: When Ezekiel pronounced breath in us, we came alive. It was God’s breath. I have God’s breath in me. Do you have any idea how that feels?
Freidhof: No. I can’t say I do.
Zussman: Well, then, I guess there’s something to be said about being a zombie after all!
At that point Mr. Zussman walked away, laughing and dancing. An odd encounter to be sure.
The thief has come to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10
*Based very roughly upon Ezekiel 37
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on authormrdavenport.wixsite.com/mrdavenport
Featured Image by Jovaughn Stephens