I Don’t Fully Understand: Reflections on the Murder of George Floyd

He walked out a convicted felon, a slap on the wrist, and was able to resign and keep his $60K a year pension.

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I don’t fully understand this kind of racism, but I DO get being rejected because of who you are and some of your actions. I also know what it is like to be arrested. A lot.

I’ve been pondering what is going on with law enforcement, and if anyone has a reason to dislike such, I suppose that could be me. 18+ years ago, I was raped multiple times by an officer, while he was on duty, fully dressed in uniform, and driving his patrol car EVERY time.

He took innocence from me that I will never get back. Just because I was an adult and no longer a virgin doesn’t change that.

Painfully, I was literally laughed out of the courtroom and called a liar because I was an active crack addict and prostitute at the time of the rapes. That, too, did not justify this man to take my body just to please his own. He abused his power. He did not protect me, as he was hired to do.

Streetlife went on, but I did eventually forgive him. I did this long before he became the felon he is today. I did it the day I became a Christian.

Forgiveness, to me, meant God’s power was far greater than his abusive power. I purposed in my heart the truth of God’s word that HE IS my vindicator.

Years later, the officer got arrested. I was flown in from Kentucky and was to be the state’s now key witness instead of laughing stock. Yes, I still participated in his prosecution. He was absolutely guilty and had no remorse for his actions.

I will never forget the FLOOD of memories rushing around in my mind, but the best memory was Christ gently reminding me that I had already forgiven him. I am not allowed to un-forgive.

He walked out a convicted felon, a slap on the wrist, and was able to resign and keep his $60K a year pension.

Years after THIS, I was speaking at a conference. It was full of politicians, judges, pastors, and police officers. I was sitting at the keynote table with the State Attorney, Assistant State Attorney, the State Senator, and more, when the Assistant S.A. leans over to me and says, “B… B… is here. He just walked in the door.” It was him.

This police officer just would not leave me ALONE. After the conference, he came up to me and said, “I’m in a sexaholic 12 Step program…” Here was the moment I’ve been waiting on, a long-overdue APOLOGY. He goes on to say, “And I just need to tell you that I FORGIVE YOU.” Then he hugged me and walked away.

Umm (clears throat, picking my mouth off the ground). My pastor was standing there, and all I could do is just turn to him in disbelief and disgust. It was like being defiled all over again.

This took me to a whole new level of forgiveness I didn’t know existed. In retrospect, I’m so so so glad. I would not be able to survive this cruel world without that very level of absolution.

In that, please don’t give up on law enforcement. Pray for our good ones. There are such fantastic ones out there. They are overwhelmed. God showed me how I can’t put a whole force under the same conviction as the one who repeatedly violated me.

It’s been 20 years, and I have yet to get an apology or ANY form of retribution. That’s ok. There is peace that he will stand before our All-Knowing God who is Judge and King. My justice on earth is void… but eternity is coming. His knee will bow.

Pray also for our African American community. They are hurting a deep pain that I truly believe we can never fully understand, even if we can relate. It really really is quite staggering at such inhumane deaths.

God is NOT ignorant of what goes on, and He WILL have justice in His courts… I guarantee it. Oh precious flock, please understand and trust your GOD. He KNOWS the truth. He grieves over sin.

Vindication belongs to the Lord.
He is faithful.


Written by Jennifer Beagle


Featured Image by Matt Popovich

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