A lot of trauma is done to children by ex-partners belittling and getting back at the mother or father of their children. It’s often thought to be warranted in the he-said-she-said battle of life, but young lives are damaged when even one adult refuses to put the children first.
Though it’s sad that one parent will choose to be horrible about the other parent, all it takes is one adult to put the children first. It takes one adult to be the adult. The children soon learn that that’s the example to follow.
What could be worse than two adults—both parents—throwing barbs at one another? And how much worse when the children are forced to take sides?
Think of the scenario where one parent is criticizing the other parent and the child is in the position of being pressured to agree. Like, where they are not allowed to disagree.
In many cases, for the child to disagree would be considered sedition by the parent when it’s selfishly all about them. This is particularly concerning when the parent being criticized is the one who hardly ever or never resorts to speaking negatively about the one who is characteristically verbally violent BUT blessed is the child because of them.
Think back to when you were a child. Your parents were your whole world. If you weren’t safe with your parents or caregivers, you weren’t safe, period. If as adults we think we have very little control over life, think about how much less control we had as kids. Many people make pacts when they’re kids to do parenting differently (and better) when they get the chance as adults.
Children rely on us adults to show them the way. If we’re cruel and heartless about how woeful the other parent is, what will the children learn, and to be honest, being cruel and heartless, no matter how justified it seems to be, is in itself abusive and neglectful.
If we’re separated or divorced parents, I know it’s tough, and I know we don’t always like how the other parent parents or chooses to live their life, but we need to ALWAYS frame our responses to all situations through the lens of our children. Being kind to the other parent, even when it seems overly generous, is a gift only we, as parents, can give to our kids.
Even if the other parent of our children has done unspeakable crimes, it’s not our place to be unkind because even though the reality of that parent is devastating to the child, the ideal of the parent is the child always wanted better. As a parent, that’s something to honor, because it’s not about the other parent, it’s about our child who misses out.
There is always a reason and rationale for why an abusive or narcissistic parent is the way they are, and as parents, there’s the opportunity to help our children understand why, how to empathize with the broken human condition, and how to reconcile their own sense of betrayal and abandonment for the loss experienced in having a horrendous parent—without EVER saying or insinuating they’re horrendous. Some things don’t need to be said.
It’s up to us to be the adult parent that is always as kind about others as is possible. Even when people are cruel to us, we can be kind. We may not like it, and we’ll probably hate being treated harshly, and it’s often scary or causes anger to well up inside us, but the only power we have access to is that which gives us grace in our response.
Remember, when we react with negativity and criticism, we have lost the battle to dignify ourselves and our kids. The parent who keeps calm and stays respectful—even though they’re aggressed—is the real winner, and mostly so because they show their child how to be an adult. If the other parent doesn’t care about being kind and respectful, it’s even more important that our kids learn it from us.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Tribework
Featured Image by Bessi from Pixabay
