It was my mom who had prophesied I was returning to Him 2 months prior, and I had laughed her off and took it as a sign that maybe the cancer had gone to her brain or that maybe she just was wishful thinking because she needed to believe it to die in peace.
I wish I could say I hit my knees right then and there and repented but that’s not what happened. It is, however, how God cracked open the door to my heart of stone. The devil knew he was on the verge of losing me and things got much worse before they got better.
But seven months later, for reasons I couldn’t even explain, I went to church for the first time in 15 years. And I randomly picked a Methodist church. I knew nothing about the Methodist denomination. But it was what I needed at the time. Once I went that first Sunday, I couldn’t stop going. The more I went, the more my heart softened. I went from “I don’t believe in God and want nothing to do with Him or Jesus or Christianity” to “I don’t believe in God, but boy–do I wish I did.” I saw how happy His people were. How their faith brought them strength and peace, and I wanted it.
I knew the Bible very well from my childhood which is why I could debate Christians so well. But this time I used it for good. I started by praying Romans 10:9: If you believe in your heart the Lord Jesus and confess with your mouth that God has raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved.
And I felt so foolish because I didn’t really believe in God which may have been the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever taken: praying to a God I didn’t believe in. I felt like I was talking to myself. But I said, “God if you’re there, your word says that if I believe in my heart the Lord Jesus and confess with my mouth that you raised Him from the dead, I’ll be saved. I’m confessing it with my mouth but I don’t believe it in my heart yet so I’m going to need your help to believe it. Please help me.”
I prayed something like that for a very long time. At least 6 months. And one day, I just felt Him say in my spirit, “You can stop praying for salvation. You’re saved. You do believe in Me.” I was like, “I do?! Oh my gosh! I do! I do believe! When did that happen??!! Why didn’t You tell me?” I was laughing and overjoyed! I do believe in God! I really do! God is real! I’m saved!
I can’t give you a day. I can’t tell you the hour. I just know it was a process over time. He saved me! And He used my mom’s passing to do it!
At first, I was toe-dipping, though. I came as I was with my junk and my hurt and my wounds, as I was. I had been a FIERCE advocate/ally for the LGBT community for my entire adult life and there was no way I could’ve given that up PRIOR to salvation. It would be like giving up the color of my skin. It was who I was—or who I thought I was. I have such compassion for them even though I’m not one of them because of traumatic childhood experiences and their mistreatment by the church is a big part of what drove me away. However, because of my fierce protection of the LGBT community, I also couldn’t accept the inerrancy and infallibility of the Word of God.
It’s not that I didn’t know what the Bible said about it. I did. I knew exactly what the Bible said. I spent my unsaved years debating, arguing, and fighting believers against those Scriptures with everything that was in me. After salvation, I wanted my Jesus and my worldly attachments. I had no plans of giving my position up. I continued being a proud, strong, vocal supporter and advocate of LGBT rights. I tip-toed around those scriptures, tried my best to explain them away, and even questioned if every word of the Bible was really true. I was picking and choosing the verses I agreed with. I was saved as I was, in my sin. He met me there and accepted me. He didn’t turn me away. That’s grace! Salvation is instant; sanctification is a process.
But once He truly got a hold of me, the day came when He, and He alone, showed me He was trustworthy and that if He says something is sinful, it is, and that if it is harmful, it is. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than our ways. His intentions for us are good and kind; so if He is telling us to refrain from something, it’s only because He loves us and knows that it will harm us in some way, even if we can’t understand how or why. His Word is pure and holy and without error. In one moment, the blinders fell from my eyes.
“Choose this day whom you will serve,” He seemed to be pleading. And that day in January 2017, two years after my mom died, in my bedroom alone with my Bible open and Holy Spirit counseling and convicting me in prayer, I surrendered everything. Absolutely everything. I believed Him. I trusted Him fully. I gave Him all I was, all I am, and all that I will be. I rested in His word and stopped struggling against it.
I lost friends over it, and that hurt, but I was okay because I HAD JESUS!!!!!! Nothing else mattered!!!
Once I did that, He took me deep—fast. I can’t explain how quickly and deeply He’s transformed me. It’s ALL Him when I fully trusted Him and believed His word.
Now I’m to a point that I am living amazed. He is so good! The Holy Spirit is constantly bringing that Word that I hid in my heart as a child and had long forgotten to my remembrance to teach, instruct, counsel, and reproach me. I don’t even know how I know some of these scriptures that come to me when I need them, but they’re there. They’re still there! Proverbs 22:6 is true! I’m living proof! Holy Spirit is my Counselor and Friend.
But it all starts with trust. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3: 5-6
Written by: Crystal Wormser