Fulfillment in the Midst of Desperation

As you know, if you have ridden the roller coaster of infertility, it can be heart-wrenching. One minute you are confident and the next minute you are questioning everything.

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Do you ever have memories that you just cling to in hopes you never forget them? You want to remember the smells, the sounds, and the surroundings that were so vivid in that moment. I know the obvious ones that came to my mind were the day I met my sweet man, the day he proposed, and the day we got married. And for two and a half years, we waited for the day a sweet baby would join in on that list of memory-marked days.

In January of 2016, one of those marking moments in my life was a little grimmer than the ones listed above but one I never want to forget because it has a purpose. I had had some tests run and blood work drawn to see what the issues were that I had been dealing with, and as I sat in that doctor’s office with my husband, I just clung to hope.

I hoped the doctor would tell me that everything looked great and there would be no talk of having a difficult time getting pregnant. But as that doctor came in with my test results from ultrasounds and blood work, she started the conversation off with “Now, I don’t want you to look up what I’m about to tell you on the internet because when you do, it’ll talk about infertility.”

As soon as I heard infertility, I could feel the room get darker. She went on to talk about my hormone levels and all of the cysts they saw on the ultrasound and she was pleased to inform me that they had an answer to my issues. I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).

She tried encouraging me by letting me know that, although it would be very difficult for us to get pregnant, she believed with medical intervention we would find success. I was completely devastated, but I tried to remain bubbly and content throughout the rest of the appointment.

My sweet husband could read the devastation all over my face, and he remained silent as she explained everything. When she offered for us to begin medical treatment, I simply just told her we weren’t ready to go down that road and that was it! We left the appointment and my hopes and dreams stayed in that patient room.

Now, if you know me… (which the doctor obviously didn’t, bless her heart) you would know that I am one of the nosiest people you will ever meet. So what did I do after leaving the doctor’s office? Of course, I looked that bad boy up! I mean, hellooo, I couldn’t help myself.

I wanted to be as informed as I could so that I could try my hardest on my own, without medical intervention, to get pregnant naturally. Although I was devastated, I had a fire inside of me to prove that doctor wrong. But that fire would eventually flicker and become pretty weak.

As marking as that moment was leaving that appointment with my head hung low and questions that kept swirling aroundDecember of 2017 was just as memorable.

As you know, if you have ridden the roller coaster of infertility, it can be heart-wrenching. One minute, you are confident, and the next minute, you are questioning everything. It was coming up on the two and a half year mark of trying to get pregnant without medical intervention (we had been trying previously for 6 months before being diagnosed) when I was not feeling confident at all.

In fact, I had been in such a state of desperation, my husband did not even know how to help me process my thoughts anymore. He told me to take time to read, listen to worship music, and be alone with God. Which looking backthat was the best thing for me to do at that moment.

I remember being in our bedroom, sitting on the edge of our bed with worship music playing, and me crying every tear that I had left. I was pouring out every emotion to Jesus (because side note, y’allJesus can handle all of our emotional baggage; we don’t have to come to Him perfect). I was singing songs of the power and faithfulness of God, hoping that my heart would catch up to the reality of what those songs were saying.

I was at a place of complete brokenness, desperation, and emptiness. I had nothing left, and Jesus knew that. Y’all, our God is SO GOOD. Anyone else would have looked at me at that moment and counted me hopeless and would not have even known where to begin to help me in healing. But y’all Jesus knew. He met me right there. Right there in my shattered, messy pieces, and He breathed hope back into my heart.

It was at that moment that the story of Hannah came to my mind. Yes, you know the story. Hannah had been desperately praying for a child, but she was barren. She became so desperate that she began to pour her heart out so much so that the priest thought she was drunk! But what struck me about Hannah was not only how much her story could relate to us today but rather what was found in 1 Samuel 1:18b (ESV): “So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.”

It hit me the moment I read that verse. How could she walk away after pouring her heart out and not knowing if her prayer was going to be answered or not to eating and no longer having sadness written all over her face? How could she pick herself back up and go on with confidence?

Because she had hope from God. Not the kind of hope that says, “I know God will give me my desires” but hope that says, “If my desire to be a mother never comes, that is the plan God has for me and His plans are better than mine.” I had been having conditional hope for the whole two and a half years of waiting.

Finally, in December of 2017, I surrendered my desires and my conditional hope and took up the hope that believed God’s plans are better than anything I could plan for myself. If we were never able to expand our family like I had planned and hoped for, I could say with confidence “it is well with my soul.”

Y’all, at that moment, I felt joy and peace. No, I didn’t have my prayer answered the way I thought I needed in my desperation, but my prayer was answered by Jesus giving me a hope renewed.

{As a side notea month later in January of 2018, we actually went to the doctor to start medical intervention because we both felt the Lord saying it was time. Little did we know we had a miracle growing already! On January 24th, we found out that we were expecting, on February 1st, we heard our baby’s heartbeat, and on September 19th, we welcomed our sweet miracle baby boy into our family! Now that was also a memory I will never ever forget!}

Bottom line, Jesus hears you, friend. He not only hears your cries of desperation, but He also wants to be the fulfillment (the complete joy) in the midst of it all. I know I don’t know your situation, your hurt, or your journey, but no matter whatGod wants you to draw near to Him. He will never leave you; all you have to do is come to a place where your only need is for Jesus to be the One to complete you.

 

 

Featured Image by Nynne Schrøder 

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About the Author

A daughter of the King, a wife to my sweet man who is better than my dreams & a mama to the most precious miracle baby boy. I love people, coffee, and all things sweet!