This past April, Evie said to me out of the blue, “Mommy, I don’t have a BFF.” All the tears – my tears. It was at that moment I knew we couldn’t home school forever, even though that was always mine and Dan’s desire. We were both home-schooled, so it was natural for us to continue that with our children, but it was also the plan to have more than one child. Infertility changes so much more than simply your number of children. All of life’s plans are affected.
We knew we wanted her to attend a small, private Christian school. Besides the desire for her to have a Christian education, we knew a public school would overwhelm her little spirit. Also, if I was to ever see her, I wouldn’t be able to continue my 2 pm – 12 am schedule at the psychiatric hospital. Therefore, I started my hunt for a new job, and within three weeks I had an interview and offer.
Problem #1: I would take a significant pay cut.
Problem #2: We needed to pay for said private school.
Problem #3: Dan still didn’t have a job.
To say my anxiety was high throughout the summer would be an understatement. I stepped out in faith by giving my notice, accepting the new job, and taking the pay cut. We stepped out in faith by enrolling Evie at a school we couldn’t afford yet, even though she did receive a partial scholarship. Praise the Lord. We prayed and pleaded and begged. Dan applied for jobs, went to promising interviews, and didn’t receive job offers. All the while, we attempted not to fear the future. All. Summer. Long.
Three weeks before Evie would start school, a friend of a friend offered Dan a position at his landscape architecture company. Dan accepted, and my blood pressure evened out a little.
Since last summer, my little family and I have gone through so much change with even more to follow. I have a love-hate relationship with change, similar to that of Costco, Target, and Amazon. Okay, who am I kidding? I only have love for Amazon, but my husband has some hate for my relationship with them. At least, the part of our relationship, where I don’t tell him when I order something and it shows up. I love change for the positive outcome it brings (like packages from Amazon), but I hate it for the process we have to go through to get there. Similarly to exercise and diet, not many enjoy running, lifting weights, or eliminating donuts, but we love the feeling and results from our dedication and hard work.
Without change, we’d only have stagnation in life. And, that is my biggest fear. At the end of my days, sitting in a rocking chair sipping an Arnold Palmer, remembering everything I wanted to do and never did—that is the fear that haunts me at night. I don’t like changing jobs or schools or schedules like the next gal, but if it is required to fulfill the Lord’s calling for our lives, we must face it head-on without fear of the future.
We might not know how it will all work out. Honestly, most of the time we have no clue. We can try to plan our lives to a T, but we’re only kidding ourselves. Life never happens exactly how we plan. That’s the beautiful thing about life though. We aren’t the author of our lives, and praise the Lord for that. We do have an Author and Creator though, and He always has us right where we need to be.
Soon after Moses lead the Israelites out of slavery from the Egyptians, God told him to take the people, leave Mt. Sinai, and go find the promised land. Moses replied, “If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here” (Exodus 33:15 ESV). Moses did not know what was going to come next. He did not just have a family to care for but a whole nation, and he was to lead the nation (literally) where God only knew.
It’s difficult to determine the path that’s right and safe for our families as well as what the Lord is calling us to do, because they might be completely opposite paths. Usually, they are. God’s will for our lives is rarely safe and, in our carnal eyes, right for our family, but when we disrupt our rightness for God’s holiness, we open up a whole new adventure to serve His Kingdom on earth. Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death” (ESV). Although we may perceive our plan as safe and right for our families, if it’s not from the Lord it will not be best us or His Kingdom. In Matt. 7:13-14, Christ talks about the narrow and the wide gate. He describes the wide gate as easy and many use it. Christ continues in verse 14, “For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” Let’s be the few. Let’s find life in Him. The change and disruption to our lives can be a catalyst for a whole new adventure we never would have chosen for ourselves. It may be risky and dangerous, but blessings will flow when we follow His path nonetheless.
The hardest part about making life decisions is it’s not just us anymore. We have a whole family we’re taking along for this ride. But then, I think about Moses following God while leading all of Israel. Probably sometimes kicking and screaming. The Israelites did too I imagine.
How often do we kick and scream when we don’t want to do what Daddy says? I imagine I’m a glorious two-year-old in Heaven’s eyes. Oh, my tantrums must win matches in Heaven! Although, I’d assume gambling is frowned upon there. Just like children don’t want to put away their toys, go to bed, or eat their broccoli, we like to tell the God of the universe why we don’t think leaving a secure job, moving across country, or pulling our kids out of school is a very good idea at the moment. Or really ever.
As long as God’s presence went with them, Moses said he would step into the unknown. He did not know if it would be safe, but he did know God would be with him and would direct his path. Whatever challenge or change we may be facing, let us put these words of Moses at the forefront of our decisions. I pray we will never move forward if the Lord is not in it, but if He is, let us run full charge into the unknown. More importantly, I pray we will know the difference.
Even when you take a pay cut, or when your husband has no job lined up. You don’t know how you’ll afford the private school, and you don’t know how your family will ever grow. You choose faith. You take the offer. You take the pay cut. You give your notice. You sign her up for that private school. And, biggest of all, you trust the Father knows what He’s doing with your life and all the uncertainties ahead. After all, He is the Creator of the universe. If we don’t trust the Father, all we have left to do is fear.
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on lovethecrazylife.com.
Featured Image by Pablo García Saldaña