It is both our pain and our desperation that drive us to God. Somehow deep in our souls, we get tired of the emptiness, tired of the monotony, tired of being tired. Many times, we do not even know what we’re looking for when we find God. It’s as if we’ve forgotten our need for Him. Then all of a sudden, we find ourselves at the end of our rope and we realize that what we’ve been looking for has been there all along.
My moment of finding God came within the first year of becoming a mother. Too many sleepless nights and working a full-time job outside the home will force you to the end of your rope rather quickly. By the time my son was four months old, I found myself unable to cope with anything life presented me. I felt helpless, hopeless, and all alone. I felt like the world was caving in on me, and I was screaming for help, but no one could hear me.
For the next few months, I was on autopilot: I did what had to be done and put one foot in front of the other, but I wasn’t living. I felt so overwhelmed and I just wanted someone to rescue me from my torment. It wasn’t until I finally opened my heart to God during a Sunday morning church service that God made it clear: “Quit your job.” Immediately, I knew God was requiring a sacrifice from me. From my perspective, sacrificing my job felt huge. I had worked hard for my achievements, and I was finally satisfied with my position. Although I was terrified to quit, I left church that day confident I had heard God clearly.
Looking back, I can identify the ways that I hadn’t been relying on God throughout this tumultuous season of life. And it dawned on me—I had never learned how to rely on God, despite growing up in church and being surrounded by God’s Truth. Never before had I been made so painfully aware of my true need for Him.
I didn’t know God; I knew of Him. (Col. 1:10, Titus 1:16)
I didn’t fear God; I feared man. (Luke 12:5, 2 Cor. 7:1)
I didn’t see my need for God; I was self-sufficient. (Rom. 3:23, 1 Tim. 6:17)
Although I had confessed that Jesus was my Savior, the storms of life proved that I wasn’t living relying on him, as such. God was waiting patiently for me to depend on Him. I’m thankful that the circumstances of my life forced me to change my heart. Slowly, I reprioritized my life by putting Him first, in both my thoughts and actions. As I made changes, I found that He was lifting me out of my deep, dark pit of depression, and it wasn’t long before I started to see the light again.
Featured Image by Aaron Burden