Confessions are hard, yet I find myself needing to confess. Yes, it’s confession time again. Surprisingly, I’ve decided to rewrite this open letter to my readers. This one is a revamp of a post from last year. Why? Because more than anything, I want to be truly understood by you, and this post still rings true. Perhaps, even louder than before. It matters to me; it’s my nature to want to please. While God is refining the need for approval in me, I’m still a work in progress. Aren’t we all? Meanwhile, here I am asking you a very important question.
Would you be my secret keeper?
Would you sit with me for a spell and hear my heart? I mean really hear my heart. Would you wait on the other side of the screen and let me let it all out? If you will, read on, sweet friend.
Confessions of a Self-Promoting Girl
Notably, I didn’t grow up going to confession. But, today, I’m feeling the need to cleanse my soul. Honestly, I feel a little cheap and kind of dirty too. I’ve felt like this before, but for so many other (unholy) reasons. What exactly is this overwhelming feeling? I think it has a name. Most certainly, this burden, the one I’ve carried throughout this past year, is shame.
Interestingly, it’s the end of my first year of Real Victory Radio, and it’s that time again. Whew! It’s been quite a year. Still, I find myself writing to purge. It’s been downright rough at times… putting myself out there time and again. Truly, it’s been a stellar, off-the-chart year on many levels. I am honored and excited to steward this amazing gift God has so sweetly entrusted to me. However, there’s a little part of me that’s more scared than excited. Real Victory Radio is a dream. One I didn’t even realize I wanted.
I know, I should be thrilled at the prospect of another year behind the mic. But, in a way, I’m kind of not. Don’t get me wrong; I love doing this. But, it’s really hard to ask people to buy into your dream. Harder still to fundraise for your own ministry. Being both the Founder and the CFO, Chief Fundraising Officer could be likened to wearing one of those drama masks. You know, the black and white ones where your profile from either side looks completely different. Surprisingly, it’s not quite so black and white. Believe it or not, it’s not easy to keep tooting your own horn.
To be honest, I’m exhausted. Really, I’m not complaining; I’m probably just confessing what you may have already guessed. In fact, I feel like it’s a glaring truth. Most days, I just do the next thing on my long to-do list. As a writer who longs to be traditionally published, this platform building…horn-tooting…shouting out is required. Yes, it is to get noticed. Usually, I’m embarrassed. Most often, I’m feeling awkwardly out of place.
Confession: This is an introvert’s worst nightmare!
Honestly, I’m afraid you won’t like me anymore. That you’ll unfriend me, unlike my ministry page, or be bothered by my every word. I’m afraid if you know the truth, if you know the real me, it won’t be enough. You might not even care, or worse, you might leave without saying a word. I know I’m not alone in this because each and every one of my writer friends could have written this blog post tonight and probably with much more grace. But, it’s a chance I have to take because, in the end, I’m not in it for me.
Confession: I’m tired of tooting my own horn.
There it is, my biggest confession. What a beautiful gift it is to tell on yourself. What a blessing to spill the beans and tell the truth. I’m hoping by the end of this blog I’ll feel refreshed and cleaned up a little too. Mostly, I hope to be better understood by you, sweet friend. More than anything, I want you to know why I’m doing all this in the first place. It looks a lot like self-promotion, doesn’t it? But, there’s more to the story. There’s something much bigger going on behind the scenes. I wanted to let you in…to let you have a glimpse of the real story.
Deep down, we all want to be seen, heard, and known. It’s innate. God placed those desires within to draw us closer to Him. What we’re really looking for is intimacy. What we want is to be understood by those around us.
Confession: I want you to know me. But what I want even more is for you to know what Jesus has done in my life and will do in yours.
Your heart matters to me. Your life matters to me. I want you to know you’re not alone. I want you to know I’ve been there. Maybe not the exact places you’ve been, but I’ve faced some hard things where God showed up and made a way. I want you to know God will make a way for you too. Whatever you’re facing, you are victorious because of the Cross. Nothing is too big or too messy for God to handle, not even what you’ve done or what’s been done to you. With God on our side, and He is on our side, we can rise up and fight our way through bigger battles than we dare to believe possible.
Truthfully, I’ve been in a battle with myself lately. How do I find the boundary line of self-promotion and making Jesus famous? Because that’s what this girl is all about and I need a boundary line so as not to cross it.
The story God’s written on my heart to share with you feels weighty and fragile. Like every little girl, I want so badly to make my Papa proud. Yes, I want that book deal; every writer does.
But, more importantly, I want to say the right words, write the powerful lessons, and draw your heart toward Jesus in such a way you never want anything less, only more of Him. Because only Jesus satisfies. Intimacy is what we’re longing for and being known and seen and heard can only be found in a deeper relationship with God.
God loves you.
He wanted a relationship with us so badly, He sent His only Son to die that we might live. Likewise, God set us free to stay free. So, today, I’m shaking my fist at the shame that threatens to take me down. I’m gonna get my praise on and start thanking God for giving me an assignment to accomplish. When shame calls, the best weapon we have is thanksgiving. So join me in putting on your boxing gloves. Let’s start throwing our punches of praise right back at regret.
That’s right, no more shame or regret. God gave me a voice. And for a time, I have a radio show to reach people who need to know they are free and can live a victorious life! Yes, I will use my voice to shout from the mountaintops of my Savior’s love and power to set us free. Through Jesus, we’ve been loosed from the chains of shame in our past. Finally, I can be set free from the embarrassment of self-promotion. And, yes, fully free from the lie of the enemy. Shame does not win the day. That’s just not true!
This is my confession…
“Let me be clear, the Anointed One has set us free—not partially, but completely and wonderfully free! We must always cherish this truth and stubbornly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past.” Galatians 5:1 TPT
If you’re a writer, I hope I’ve spoken well for you today. I know this struggle is real. My prayer is for all of us to keep shining a light on Jesus and making Him more famous. I hope you’ve found a little “how to” in the lines of this page. And, if you’re a reader, thank you for listening.
Thank you for hearing my confessions.
Most of all, thank you for being my secret-keeper. I need you to know the girl behind the self-promotion. She adores you. She loves Jesus. Her heart’s desire is to make Jesus famous.
Unbelievably, Jesus radically changed me from the inside out. I can’t help but tell someone, really anyone who will listen, about the wonder-working power of God. It is the transforming power of the Holy Spirit taking us broken girls and making us whole again.
Really, isn’t God so good?
A while ago, I wrote about the hard work of becoming. It’s a matter of the heart and God is serious about it. Thankfully, He loves us enough to see us through. When our hearts finally want His fame more than our own, we’re just scratching the surface of the depths of revelation He has for us. God looks at the heart. I hope you’ve seen part of mine today. Simply put, this statement pretty much sums up what God’s been up to in my life: Becoming is heart work.
Final Confession: It’s really all about making Jesus famous and not me at all.
Finally, making Jesus famous is the heart behind my ministry and calling. Unfortunately, there are many voices vying for your attention and if I don’t tell you about what’s going on here, no one else will. Consequently, the announcements for blogs and radio shows must continue. Here’s a very important announcement: we’ve just signed a contract for a SECOND YEAR of Real Victory Radio. There’s a lot of exciting changes ahead! I can’t wait to share them with you in the weeks to come. But for now, I’m content to sit still and stay quiet.
In fact, I’m taking a little time off to sit in my quiet, still, intimate space with God. Frankly, this shouting out has plumb worn me out. It seems like, there’s still so much to accomplish in the remainder of this year. At times, you’ll find me a little quieter on social media than before. Rather than tooting my horn, may the lights always shine on Jesus.
My prayer: Jesus, take the limelight in my life. Be centerstage.
In conclusion, I’m praying for God to meet you right where you need Him most. Also, I’m thanking God for each and every one of you. You make me smile on the days when the words won’t come. Even more, you make me press in a little harder to hear God’s voice. Honestly, it’s all about you and Jesus!
Written by Amy Elaine Martinez
Featured Image By Jonathan Farber