When there’s ‘no ideal’ option
Decision making is rarely easy when there are several options to weigh up. But what do you do when none of the different options or scenarios in front of you feels exactly ‘ideal’? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself quite a lot lately…
Like many parents, we have been wrestling with questions about the current schooling situation over recent weeks. Should we really be sending our kids back to school yet, or is it better to distance learn or home school for this season?
Part of the problem is that there’s really no ‘ideal option’ because in an ideal world everyone would be vaccinated long before returning to work or school. But since that reality is still some way off, parents are instead left weighing up their own unique set of circumstances and deciding which is the ‘least bad’ option. And this is uncomfortable ground because as parents we all just want ‘the very best’ for our kids.
I am also asking this question about our current fertility journey a lot at the moment too.
Living with low-level anxiety caused by constant uncertainty is a common experience amongst couples facing fertility complications. And of course, going into what will probably be our final shot at another pregnancy feels like an anxious time.
But the other day my husband Andy, who is generally much calmer and less highly strung about all of this than me, said something that stopped me in my tracks. He was feeling really anxious too. As we continued to unpack this in our conversation, I quickly realized the anxiety he was experiencing was specifically related to the fact that none of the options left on the table felt ‘ideal’ anymore.
I mean, our ‘ideal’ scenario would have been having another sibling for our son two summers ago, instead of experiencing three miscarriages and then facing long periods of waiting for tests and treatments. But instead, these are the only possible options we have ahead of us now:
Either our current fertility treatment doesn’t work – and then we have to definitively decide whether to give up for good. Not our ideal.
Or we get pregnant but we miscarry again, and then we have to face the trauma and heartache of yet another loss, along with the final certainty that medicine can’t fix things. Not our ideal.
Or we actually have another baby, but it’s harder than before because we are older parents now, it’s been a long time since we had a newborn, and there’s a six-year age gap to juggle with our son. This third option is a better one for sure, but it’s still not our ‘ideal’.
5 ways to find inner calm
So what do you do when none of the scenarios in front of you feel totally ‘ideal’? And when you have every reason to feel anxious about what’s ahead, how do you find any peace or hold onto any sense of inner calm? Well, here’s a few ideas…
1. Turn off the external noise
It’s not a bad thing to do some research on a subject that’s making you anxious, but I also find that it’s easy to become overloaded by lots of unhelpful and conflicting views and opinions – especially online.
Of course, it’s understandable to what to know all the statistical odds or various rare risks could be, and also to hear the experiences and opinions of other moms; but in my experience, too much time spent on google often only throws up more possibilities to worry about that I hadn’t even considered before! And it rarely offers me any peace or clarity of mind. Besides, in the end, all this reading and knowing about a subject doesn’t really change a thing! Your outcome will be your outcome.
So why not practice stepping away from your keyboard or buzzing phone for a while, and try stilling your mind instead? As the Psalmist wrote in Psalm 46:10, ‘Be still, and know that I am God’ – or to translate this sentiment into more modern language, stop fretting because you are not ultimately in control of every variable in your situation, and what will be – will be.
2. Pray, don’t worry
I think it can be easy to fool ourselves into thinking that if we have prayed about something, we have given all of our worries over to God. But in reality, too often we just keep picking them right back up again as soon as our prayers are finished. Or is that just me?
Sometimes we can even end up “prayer-worrying” which is the unhealthy habit of bringing the same anxious thoughts to God over and over again, and calling it ‘prayer’.
I’m not suggesting that there is no place for faith and perseverance in prayer, but when the Bible says ‘Cast all your anxiety onto him because he cares for you’ (1 Peter 5:7) I think that means giving our worries over to Him fully, and resisting the urge to pick them back up again. And I think it means completely letting go of the need to control things ourselves, as we choose to trust in His care for us.
3. Accept what is beyond your control
Most of us like to believe that we’re in control of every aspect of our lives, but as Proverbs 16:9 reminds us, we’re really not: ‘In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their step.’
Despite our very best attempts at organizing and planning for every possible eventuality, sometimes the unexpected can come along and completely disrupt all of our best-laid plans. (Hello 2020, I’m looking at you!)
At times, it feels like we need a periscope that allows us to see what’s around the next corner or a crystal ball to tell us our future and help us second-guess all of our decisions. But actually, what we have is far, far better! We have a God who is in control of all things, and who the Bible says we can trust without fail.
This year may have been a surprise to us, but nothing about 2020 is a surprise to our God. Isn’t that reassuring to know? So when we are faced with situations that we can’t control, let’s remember who IS in control, and let’s learn to trust Him through it.
4. Try not to get ahead of yourself
Some of my very favorite words of Jesus are recorded in Matthew 6:34, ‘Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’ Isn’t that advice to live by? Because don’t we do this to ourselves all the time?
If I’m honest, I think that most of my anxiety in life comes from worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet (and may well never do), which is such a waste of mental energy! What if my son goes back to school, but then there is a local coronavirus outbreak which disrupts us all again? Or what if we get pregnant again, but then we discover that something is wrong with that hypothetical unborn child?
Do you see how this works? Too often we let all of our inner peace be stolen by hypothetical possibilities! So try not to get too many mental steps ahead of yourself, and practice staying more fully present in the moment. Stick to working on what’s in front of you today!
5. Ask Him for his peace
Self-care has become such a buzz word lately, and it seems like there’s no end of massages, hot yoga classes, mindfulness practices, therapy sessions, relaxing spas, and more… all promising us some ‘me’ time to help us find that sense of inner peace and stillness.
And don’t get me wrong, I am ALL in for all of these things! But the peace that Jesus offers to us isn’t like the peace the world offers us—it isn’t just based on our temporary feelings or circumstances. The peace we can know from Him is unshakeable because it is based on who He is, and what he has already done for us – once and for all time.
Isn’t it interesting that of all the things that Jesus could have left the disciples with on this earth before he ascended to heaven was his peace? ‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid’ (John 14: 27).
He could have mentioned leaving them with his love, power, supernatural miracles, or any number of other things, but He knew that what they would need most of all was His peace – and isn’t this still the case for us today? So next time you feel anxious, why not try to just take a small moment to ask God to fill you with his unshakeable peace – even in the midst of hard things?
Philippians 4:7 says this: “The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and his peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
This is an updated edition of a post originally published on Annakettle.com
Featured Image by Sean O. on Unsplash
